We live what we believe

At the end of my work week last week I began to vent to my work colleagues about how I believed that my spouse "works too much" and as I vented about it I realized I was getting angrier and angrier about it. I worked myself up into a lather about my perceived neglect or lack of attention. Somehow deriving from his absence that there was a lack of validation or attention or dare I say it....love. Looking back on it NOW I ask myself "how did I get myself so worked up?" I know that my reaction had to do with the story that I was telling myself.

The story I was telling myself is that ...."if he loved me he would pay more attention to me." "If he loved me I would see him more often and wouldn't feel so neglected. " If he paid more attention to me then I wouldn't be seeking attention so desperately." Seems reasonable?

We have been together for 15 years and he is definitely inconsistent with his attention but I know he loves me. There is no question of this. We are committed with or without the piece of paper that makes it official. I feel and I know it. He confirms this for me as well. So why, did I get myself worked up about how much attention I needed to feel loved and whether he is around to bestow this attention on me? What was I telling myself? I think I was telling myself I needed this validation. Now I am asking myself why did I need it? What else was going on? What part of me really needed this validation? Was it wrong or insecure of me to want it?

I am pretty independent and self sufficient. I don't generally feel needy or worry about how much attention I receive on any given day. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was more consistent with his treatment of me but in no way do I wish that he was attached at my hip or calling me numerous times a day.

I work with clients and advise friends and truly belief myself what I need on any given day is what I am able to give myself. So, why was I left last Friday believing I was lacking something?

To help me investigate what was going on I turned to my intuition cards. Dr. Christiane Northrup has this beautiful series of Intuition cards that I used to divine what else was going on within me. In a simplistic way they are like tarot but in a much deeper way they are used to tap into your own intuition. There are no wrong answers. Using these cards helped me to clear away the mental clutter. When I was using these cards what kept coming up for me is the issue of self-care and self-nuturance. These are old and very familiar issues that I continue to struggle with. Most days I am vigilant but others I get subtle messages from my body and my mind that I am in need of more attention. How and what messages I feed myself are as important as what I feed my body. The two things are very connected. I am getting better at listening.

Although I have been vigilant about my physical self-care I was beginning to be too attached to things outside myself and spending too much time in my own head thinking about my own value (as attached to the size of my jeans, the color of my hair, how old I look on any given day). Of course, this all started to make sense to me this week when I was reading Chapter 2 in Echkart Tolle's book the New Earth. He was writing bout how the ego attaches itself to outside objects which create pain and loss. There is no judgement in this. Not good or bad. It is what the ego does. It all clicked for me. Brick in the forehead yet again. So I will enjoy my new size 10 jeans and my new big green purse but not let them define me. Their value is external and does not and cannot reflect my own internal worth. Actually there is nothing outside myself that can reflect my own worth. It is infinite.

I started to ask myself what others stories am I telling myself. A lot of my stories have to do with attention these days. Am I worthy of the attention that I seek? Will it will come without me asking for it? Why am I worrying about these things? I realized I needed to step back into myself and figure this out a bit. Release the expectations and find my inner core of peace. That meant for me getting back to meditation and journaling and calling my coach for coaching (thanks Ginny for sorting out my head stuff with me).

Just like any good Monday morning quarterback I fully recognize that I am most attractive when I am fully present and myself. Not when I am trying to be someone.....not quite someone else but something other than truly me. Not defined by the jeans, or the hair or the outward stuff. That is just pretty window dressing. Sometimes after yoga class I can look at myself in the mirror and my hair is a mess and I have stinky grubby yoga clothes on...I can actually see myself. Those ruddy checks, clear eyes, and a slight smile on my face and think...."yeah, that's me." I look like me. I feel like me. That is me in the zone. If I close my eyes and see myself in my mind's eye is that what I really look like? Is that really who I am? Maybe who I am has nothing to do with what I look like?

So why did I feed myself this "I am neglected story?" I am not sure. Perhaps I wasn't asserting my needs clearly enough. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention to my inner self. What I realized this week is that I need to continually ask myself who the real me is and take my stand and step into the light and realize my power. Not judge but observe and reconnect to me without all the window dressing.

How old are you?

I have been thinking a lot about age lately. The lovely women I work with in my life coaching practice sometimes seem older than they are because of the pressure and burdens they place upon themselves. The guilt they carry is as deep and wide as the number of "should's" on their lists of things to do. I know that their exhaustion is much more than a physically demanding schedule.

On the other end of the spectrum I have beautiful, wise-beyond their years, nieces who seem much older than their tender ages. They are thoughtful and funny and very wise. They can be reflective and have insights that are so unexpected from someone so young. I marvel at them.I myself feel much younger than forty and know I look at least 30 on my good days. I bought my first real expensive pair of Lucky jeans this weekend and I know I felt maybe 20 if not a "totally psyched" 16 year old. As I started at my butt, in the 3 way mirror I was thinking -- how old am I really? Is it physical or just mental or a combination of both?

If age is in part a mental state what keeps you young? I think in part it is extreme self care. Not just vigilance but healthy eating, exercise, love, companionship, and mental exercise. Clearing out the clutter and doing a brain dump of all the crap we so easily carrying around and accumulate over the years. It is noise and confusion and worry. Yoga, meditation, and exercise are activities that lend themselves to moving mental clutter. Also talking to supportive and loving friends, spouses, and colleagues can help. Therapy and life coaching can also help. Sometimes we forget we also have ourselves to rely on. I frequently have conversations with myself to try to sort things out.

How do you measure your age? I am glad not to be 20 again in terms of experience and a much improved self image. I wish however, sometimes I could go backwards in time with the same knowledge and experience I have as a 40 year old. But, that would be cheating wouldn't it? The only yearning would be to have some of that perceived sense of freedom. Somehow the world was yet undiscovered. I suppose the only limitations are the ones inside my own 40 year old head but don't tell my 20+ body it can't surf just yet.

I am NOT my thoughts

I have been reading Tolle's book "A New Earth." I love the statement "I am not my thoughts". It helps me confirm that if I am having a "limited thinking" or "black and white" kind of a day I can step outside that negative thought, observe it and let it be just a thought and NOT what defines me. I feel free and liberated when I remember this even if it is only momentarily.

I went to a book signing and lecture by my mentor, Martha Beck the other night. She is just so good at what she does. She is a like a laser beam. She focuses so sharply and eloquently on negative thinking in her new book "Steering by Starlight." I love her to death and I am an admitted and unabashed Martha Beck groupie (kind of like a dead-head but no drugs -- we get blissed out on life man!) She was talking about how it is our thoughts about our story that cause us pain. As humans we are the only animals that can create and anticipate a fear response that is actually worse that the pain we might actually encounter. Meaning what we think about a future painful event is actually worse than the pain itself.

The Dalai Lama wrote about it in his book, "Healing Anger" that we actually spend more time and energy holding onto pain than dealing with it and actually feeling it. Like we can control our fear? Who are we kidding? More like our fears are controlling us.

I understand being consumed with protecting oneself from pain. In part, I believe the weight I dragged around for so many years was a way of being insulated from pain I expected to come my way as well as holding onto hurt from my past. I thought it was a way of "protecting" myself. My pain (past and future) seemed very real and very scary. When I started to confront it -- where it came from, why I was holding onto it -- it actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was very difficult but the process of dealing with the pain for me was like immersing myself in a very hot bath tub. Easily and slowly I slid my toe in and would see how long I could stand it. Then I would put a whole foot, then my legs, then my torso and then finally the rest of my upper body -- head obviously last (ironic, yes!). For me, feeling and processing the pain of past hurts had a lot to do with negative thoughts I inherited from my family like "bad things are going to happen" and "you can't trust anyone" as well as not ever seeing anger expressed in a healthy way. So wrapped up in my tight bundle of pain was my anger protecting my fear. I was like a huge psychic hairball. I had to cough it up and expel it from my system.

I have realized that MYSELF is always changing and evolving. I am not constant from one moment to the next. This is not to stay that I am unstable or inconsistent. But instead I am fluid and responsive to my environs both inside and out. At my core, I am peaceful and flexible. I am floating in a sea of dreamy, exquisite golden light. At my core, I am all light -- no holes, no gaps. At my core, I am part of everything as much as it is me.

I am able to find this core when I meditate and when I do karate. My mind is quiet and I can see, hear, and observe in a much larger scope of vision. I am connected to myself and everything around me. And the most unusual thing happens. My mind goes quiet. My mental ticker tape stops and I am completely unaware of rapid fire thoughts or feelings. It is like a lake without any ripples. Now don't I sound zen? It doesn't happen if I think about it or force it. If I relax into it is comes to me or I drift towards it. It is definitely and easing into it sensation.

Listening to and being in touch with what my body needs or what my heart truly desires is different from being consumed with what my thoughts are at the time. Sometimes my thoughts and what I actually need at the time are at odds. My body is tired and needs sleep but my thoughts tell me "I am hungry". When I am frustrated with myself and trying to learn a new move in karate class sometimes my monkey mind jumps up and tells me "you are so stupid and too old to be in a karate class" and then "skip class and go shopping instead." I have been artfully observing these negative thoughts. I hear them, notice them and acknowledge them with a "pat on the head" and say "that's nice. I consciously begin and end my karate class thanking myself for peacefully and blissfully not listening to these thoughts about how old I am or that I should be spending money instead of trying new things. Some of these thoughts are instinctively designed to protect me from my fear of failure. This thought is my Achilles heal. For me it always comes back to this - I am not good enough and will fail.

I can't tell you how liberating it is NOT to think for any period of time. When my mind stops I feel connected to my peaceful core and I feel like I can accomplish anything. It is like floating or flying for me.

Here are just some of my internal thoughts right this second (in no order of importance):

*my blog sucks and who would want to read my own internal dialogue

*I fear judgement that I am not creative or intellect or eloquent

*does my butt look big in these pants?

*I am awesome and I kick ass!

*I am so psyched to be the age I am now and not a smoker and can climb 3 flights of stairs without being out of breath.

*where did my butt go?

*how great is my job that while I am at work I can write in my blog?

*I will get fired for writing on my blog while at work.

*The guy who sits behind me has a good phone voice.

*Probably because he smokes too many cigarettes.

*I am so glad I am not 20-something years old again.

*I can be 40 and still be cool.

*why do I care about being cool?

Thankfully, I can laugh and observe these random thoughts. Notice anything? Any trends? I think a lot about what other people think of me. When I get to observe and step outside of my thoughts, I begin to question this. Do I really care what other people think? Should I really care what other people think? I care what I think. Then I think I am NOT my thoughts.

Not everyone gets a seat at the table

I have observed and want to comment on what seems like a lovely and altruistic idea that I have seen with both family and friends. They hold this notion out like a great candle and invite all to see. The idea is this "there is always room for one more at the table." I find this is greatly flawed because you do not actively and selectively screen who you allow at the table with you. If everyone holds equal weight in your life how do you determine who gets your time? If everyone holds equal weight then someone you just met (and may not have your best intentions at heart) can get as close to you as your best friend? Does that seem right to you? It definately doesn't work for me.

Friends and boyfriends cannot be created like sea-monkeys -- just add a little water and bingo insta-buddy. It takes time to know and grow any kind of relationship. I think some of these folks have broken filters. They let in too many and too much -- without discriminating.

People -- family, friends, especially boyfriends, -- either bring light,laughter, and love into your life or they DRAIN YOU OF YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY.

When you allow everyone to have equal weight in your life you give away a precious commodity (your time and energy and your specialness). That may sound cheesy but it is a lesson I have learned and know to be true.

It is not selfish to think of your time and your life as being precious and look only to associate, befriend or date people who lift you up and who work hard to love you the way you need it.

Anyone (even in jest) who would speak to in a degrading way is not someone worth your time. As my spouse says, "Dump their ass! Kick them to the curb!"

I try really hard to find and allow people in my life who have qualities I admire or aspire to. My spouse is one of them. He is honest, forthright, and always the first one to apologize when he is wrong (even more so than me). He thinks of me first and I always like and admire the qualities he has. He has never told me to "shut up" or called me a 'bitch" or ever, ever spoke to me in any other way other than respectful. I can't always say that I have done the same. It doesn't mean he is perfect but instead we have a equal partnership.

I wish the same for you, my family, my friends, my lovely sweet intelligent nieces and nephews. If you were in front of me I would say this, "You are so smart and have so much to offer. I know you are young and on a journey and haven't quite worked everything out. That is to be expected. I just wanted to let you know that I am not judging you but trying to offer you advice. I want to see you have people in your life that offer you as much as you offer them."

Ultimately, it is about creating healthy boundaries in your life so can protect yourself and expend your energy on yourself first then selectively on others you care about and return the favor.

I see so many friends and family literally "spinning their wheels" drained of all their energies trying to get others to love them the way they need to be loved. It is pointless and fruitless and makes them so very unhappy. A good friend of my likes everyone equally. She will arrive present in hand at the birthday party of some acquaintance and wonder why she has no time for herself and is stressed out at her job. I once asked her why she assumes she likes everyone when she doesn't screen them. How can she have something in common with everyone she meets? That is just not possible.

I have 2 images that come to mind. One is so very simple from aviation. When you are flying and the cabin depressurises, you are instructed to fit your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else (including your own children). Why?Because if you are oxygen deprived you cannot ever help anyone -- including yourself! Secondly, if you strapped a bag of sand on your back and it slowly leaked out where would your trail lead? Would you be leaving great heapfuls of sand with people you barely know? Now imagine the sand is gold (or in this economy gasoline). Would you make different choices with your time?

In My Dreams

I am the Good horse -- This was a very happy and peaceful dream. I was cross-country skiing at night in Iceland with Viggio Mortensen. Sounds like one of those crazy improv skits? Also in between destinations we were looking at hand thrown ceramics and artwork in different galleries. Now why Viggio in Iceland? I connect him with Iceland because of his book "The Horse is Good" he has a photograph of an Icelandic horse (which are my favorite horses). Also Iceland was one of the considered locales for "Lord of the Rings". Having been there on vacation a couple of years ago it does remind me in terms of atmosphere of middle earth like in scenes from the "Rings" movies. Viggio is one of my favorite actors and I consider him my "secret boyfriend." I love this phrase -- it comes from a funny game my nieces used to play called "Who is your secret boyfriend?" I used to like to play it with them and have the boys be boyfriends with each other. They would laugh and thought this was a riot. But, I digress. Why Iceland? Why pottery? Why were we exercising and shopping? Weird huh? Back up a second, I know you may ask me (I asked myself this question) you were in Iceland with "The King", Mr. "I speak a zillion different languages and have eyes that would burn through your soul" and you were cross-country skiing and shopping for pottery? I know, it just wasn't that kind of dream.

In my real trip to Iceland it was Fall and there was not a lot of snow but a lot of rain. I did ride an Icelandic horse but did not buy any pottery. I did see the Northern lights and it was amazing. They were these electric greenish purple hues dancing in the dark liquid sky. It was very dream like.

My dreamland-Iceland was similar to Vermont in winter except darker and with beautiful dreamy green shimmering Northern Lights streaking across the sky. There were no roads and everything was covered in snow. So, peaceful and quiet.

At some point I was riding a beautiful red Icelandic horse with a blond mane and tail. The most exciting part of the dream was when I became the horse. I remember hearing my hooves patter in the snow and feeling comforted in the sound of the bells on my bridal. Icelandic horses have this wonderful special trot called a "troit". It is unique to the breed of horse and it makes them look like they are gliding. Exactly what I was doing in my dream. Gliding. Feeling that freedom of movement. Almost floating. I was strong and sure footed. I knew what my purpose was -- in the most basic sense -- was to move through the snow.

What do I learn from this? Why did I have this dream? What is it telling me?
One of the most interesting exercises in life coaching is using dream analysis to inform you of your own inner dialogue. I ask myself these questions in relationship to my horse dream and realize that I am sure-footed emotionally and now am beginning again to enjoy movement again after having lost 120 lbs. Since, I have literally dumped a lot of baggage I was dragging around I realized that I enjoy movement again. Since my weight-loss there is a freedom that I haven't had in a long time. I was curious as to what Viggio was up to these days and when I looked him up on the web I discovered he is having a photography exhibit at the Reykjavik Photography Museum. So very interesting...

The green Northern lights featured prominently in my dream and to me relates to the green chakra. When green is activated, the person has reached an emotionally deeper understanding of oneself and of others. The green chakra lets the person understand that there is a living, fragile person inside who needs and deserves love. Hello -- this is me! I need this reminder. Sometimes I feel like a tootsie pop -- tough outer shell covering a soft gooey inside.

I believe strongly in animals as signs and symbols in our lives. The Horse totem conveys freedom and the power that comes with being free. Those with this totem are teachers to their partners, friends and family showing them how to stand solid within themselves. Individuals who choose to be involved with a horse person do so because the need for self empowerment is strong. Because horse medicine people hold the energy of power their leadership and teaching skills are usually in demand. Intuitive and wise they make excellent therapists. They enjoy helping others but often feel as if there is no one to lead or teach them. Horses give their riders the safety of speed and the promise of adventure. If horse has come to you, you are being offered a gift of safe movement. Is there somewhere that you want or need to go? A Horse can help you get there, whether the place is physical or spiritual. Is their a new venture you want to undertake? Call on horse to help you create it. Are there challenges in front of you that you dot want to deal with? If so, the horse asks you to awaken your inner power and move forward with courage. During my new venture as a life coach I feel secure in my abilities to help others but sometimes doubt myself and stop from moving forward. I work on curing my doubt by believing in myself.

The other elements were a sense of peace in my life and the ability to access art and creativity. I look forward to find more ways to invite art into my life.

Autistic Artist -- This dream was more anxiety producing and had to do with my struggle to express myself adequately. I was an autistic artist who speaks French, Spanish, Chinese and sign language. In English I struggle to get the words out and they choke in my throat. I was wearing a head set (like a telemarketer) and a bright yellow outfit that I looked smashing in and I was told to sing a song for the audience. I felt confident that I knew the words but the music started and I realized it was the wrong song playing. I realized I didn't know the words so I just tried to fake them. It didn't go over well. As I walked around the room I realized sprinkled throughout my audience was every evil, awful, boss I ever worked for. Sitting there, mumbling to themselves and just shaking their crazy heads and criticizing me for my "shortcomings". I was torn between feeling proud and and being embarrassed that I tried to fake my way through something and not asking for help. Wow, I just realized that last part as I was writing it. Trying to fake my way through and not asking for help has been a recurring theme in my life. I have worked very hard to realize it is NOT a shortcoming to recognize and ask for help. In fact, I have been quite proud that I learned this lesson this year and put it into action.

In my dream each language I spoke expressed a different mood or feelings. I think French was for passion and play, Chinese was something about connecting to the exotic or completely other than me. Spanish was second nature since I used to speak and write it fluently. Sign language was interesting because it was deeply personal and a way to connect on a different level with another person.

Signing or performing in front of an audience is something I haven't done in a very long time. But, always fully enjoyed and was good at. The color yellow was interesting, in terms of chakras it relates to Chakra Three: Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition. The yellow chakra is known as the power chakra, located in the solar plexus. It rules our personal power, will, and autonomy, as well as our metabolism. When healthy, this chakra brings us energy, effectiveness, spontaneity, and non-dominating power. So, in essence my dream was about my own personal power and how I let in the criticism of others to diminish my own strength. Again, reaffirming for me to listen to my own intuition and not take in others critique above and beyond my own. ~

Have you had any good dreams lately? Tell me about them and we can do a dream analysis!

Hello and Goodbye

These past few months, hell even this past year (2007) and into this new year (2008), I have had a lot of different beginnings and endings. Some exciting and some sad. Some puzzling and some frustrating. I feel like singing the jingle from the Target ads...."when I say goodbye you say hello ....hello, hello, I don't know why you say goodbye when I say hello..." Knowing me, I probably got those lyrics wrong. So, my apologies for any misquoted lyrics.

I think of things sometimes in categories and all the changes this past year makes me think in terms of a system that my 6th grade English teacher taught us as a way to categorize literature. She taught us to categorize stories in this way, "Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, and Man vs. Self." For my purposes, I am adjusting the "man" to "person" (yes, I know --- so gender neutral and PC of me -- just deal with it). I loved this system. At the same time it seems neat and tidy as well as being somewhat confining. It works for my purposes as I process my comings and goings.

Person vs. Nature
In November of 2007 my sweet little 14 year old bunny went to happy hunting ground (which is what my family growing up called pet heaven). For rabbits I imagine that as "electrical cord heaven". In "electrical cord heaven" they get to chew things they are not suppose to and every so often someone comes out to chase them away from chewing those cords with an added bonus nothing tries to eat them. I miss her but I relish the choice of how and where to put furniture and not having to "rabbit proof" things. I finally feel I have a fully adult apartment. Hello IKEA goodbye Scooter.

Person vs. Self
In December of 2007, I said "hello" again to an angry, ugly friend named "back pain". This was a friend I was not happy to see again. It tends to rear its ugly face when I am not paying close attention to my own needs. I said "see you later" to my physical mobility for a while with crippling sciatica and suspended feeling in my right big toe (my body's choice not mine.) Both mobility and feeling have slowly returned to me and I am glad that we are on speaking terms these days. I spend a good portion of each day catching up with my body and continuing the dialogue so that the feeling in my toe returns and my mobility continues to improve. My body is my emotional compass. I continue to learn that lesson and realize that this is the first thing that falls off my radar when I press on forward without thinking. Hello yoga and goodbye mindlessly eating cookies (a favoured past-time).

Person vs. Person
In January 2008 I had a long awaited and much anticipated final therapy session with a long-term therapist, whom I had been seeing for the past 4 years. I am very proud of the work I have done with her on my weight, body image, improving my self-esteem and learning to express my needs in an honest forthright manner. In my goodbye note to her, I thanked her for assisting me in "returning me to myself". She helped me tap into my own inner resources in a way that is sustainable. I am very proud of being able to feel good about saying goodbye to her. At the same time I feel sad about the loss of her as my confidante I feel confident that I have internalized the things she has taught me. I can be the advocate I need in my life and I am able to navigate the storm and steer my own ship with confidence. Goodbye Aliki -- hello Felicia.

Person vs. Self
Last year, I said goodbye to a career field (marketing and fundraising) in which I had many successes but I also really started to resent and felt burned out about. I know in my heart that my unhappiness in this career field contributed to my weight gain and allow me to ignore my physical needs and throw myself head long into a work environment that required long hours (more excuses to not exercise or eat right or take care of myself). I said hello with great anticipation as well as trepidation to my new career field as a life coach. I began my training last year and this month I officially became a certified life coach. I feel excited and a little nervous but also very confident that with my skills and training that I deserve to be paid for my services. I still struggle with feeling worthy of being paid but know that it was time to start charging for my services. I was beginning to feel a little resentful of my coaching time. So, I say hello to professional coaching and goodbye to self sacrifice and putting others first.

Person vs. Self
On February 13th 2008 I had my had the one year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. I said hello to my new body and goodbye to the old. It was also so much more than that. It was a transformation from old thinking to new. It was also releasing and letting go of pain and frustration that kept me in my "fat cocoon" for a long time. I said goodbye to a closet full of clothes and shoes and hello to a new wardrobe with lots of amazing different choices. Hello to more and different exercise. Hello to stairs goodbye to elevators. Hello to better eating habits and goodbye to waiting to eat until the end of the day and eating not stop for 4 hours at night. Hello to eating in the open in the daylight and goodbye to hungrily sneaking food. My struggle with good eating habits and daily exercise are ongoing. Emphasis is on DAILY. I would to maintain my investment in me and also to look at my mistakes in terms of relapse prevention. I am not perfect and I WILL make mistakes. However, I say goodbye to beating myself up about those mistakes and instead hello to learning from them.

Person vs. Person
Another thing that I realized, is that even when you change sometimes the people around you don't. I have found some around me also try to resist me changing. I experienced this with different people in my life with their reactions to my weight loss (good, bad, and indifferent). I found some jealous, some trying to sabotage me, some curious, and some completely indifferent. I great many were very supportive. I also experienced this when recently I decided to take my life coaching practice to the next level. People see what they want. Clients take in what they want and tend to categorize information as it suits them. I am lucky that some close to me are unconditionally supportive of me. It is a mixed bag. I have conscientiously decided to conveniently pick and choose which attitudes suit me and write the rest off as "their business". I realize some attitudes I can't change and frankly are not worth trying to change. My energy can best be directed towards me. Goodbye attachments to outcome and hello to allowing change and listening to my needs.

I am Body-Wise?

How do I listen to my body when it needs rest? Do I listen? What clues does it give me?

Recently, I have been dealing with debilitating back pain and sciatica with shooting, burning pain and numbness down my leg and into my foot. It took this as a serious message from my body for me to stop, take a rest, slow down, and take care of myself.

So many of us ignore our bodies. The physical therapist that I have been seeing put it so aptly. "The louder and angrier the nerve is -- the greater and further the pain is felt." The nerve that was compressed in my back was doing a fantastic job of communicating! I was angry and tired of taking care of other people and putting myself last. I was sad about my rabbit dying and still trying to put my grief aside to coach my clients and take care of their needs.

So much a part of my coaching is coaching myself through the same issues that I will be tackling with my clients. I know this makes me sympathetic and a better coach. Plus it also gives me another tool to practice on myself first and then help others with. So, I have the capacity to be body-wise and need to tune-in to myself to listen.

During this holiday season I will practice this tuning-in as much as I can. I will meditate with a great CD by Belleruth Naparstek called "Relaxation and Wellness" which uses both creative visualization and positive statements that allow me to reinforce this goodwill and "feed my mind" with positive messages. I will continue to feed myself well. Not denying myself tastes of cookies or sweets but also making sure I take my vitamins and supplements and drink my protein shakes, and eat beautiful, colorful, tasty well balanced meals. As my pain subsides and my back improves, I will resist the urge to push and do more than feels good. I will allow my body to continue to heal and rest and enjoy the respite from taking care of others.

I will listen to the anger, feel it, express it, and honor the message. I will not ignore the pain of the loss of my furry friend. I will ask for help when I need it and not expect others to read my mind. I will be grateful that my back improves and that I can continue my friendship with my body, my trusted friend and ally.

I think being Body-wise is being body aware. Not having all the answers but allowing the conversation to continue and keeping the communication open like in any ongoing relationship. Ignoring pain makes it fester.

Rest for the Angry Pirate

I will share my story more as a cautionary tale so we can all remember to give ourselves a break. Plus you may also get a laugh over it.

The week of thanksgiving I had to put my sweet little 14 year old bunny rabbit to sleep and then I had my long-time therapist call me to cancel our very last appt together (our final - say goodbye and finish therapy appt) and then I had to cook a turkey for my parents (adult children of alcoholics) who both "white knuckle it" through the holidays with "company grins".

Amongst all this I have been coaching my certification client who I dread and every time I talk to I get a stomach ache. She is like visiting a black hole for a little over an hour every week. I spend my days smiling (just got the reference point on that one), trying to ignore my right foot (which was numb), taking pain killers that make me fuzzy, and sitting on an ice pack so I could function, eat dinner, and work everyday.

That holiday weekend I was in the ER because the pain was so bad my whole leg was numb and I had searing hot pain down my leg and back. I was walking around like a pirate w/ a very bad attitude because I also was not sleeping at night from the pain. ARE THERE ENOUGH BODY COMPASS SIGNS TO TELL WHAT IS GOING ON YET?

I had a coaching session w/ my buddy Ginny last week whilst lying on the floor of my living room on my stomach (because I can't sit, stand or walk properly) and balled my eyes out like a baby. She said very simply, "Why don't you take a break?"

It was like the heavens opened up and I heard the harps. I emailed all my clients said I was unavail until January 7th and took an afternoon off from work and bought some books I have been meaning to read and finally felt relief.

I can honestly admit that I feel okay that I don't have a website, or a seminar, or a book, or lots of clients. I don't have a column or blog that anyone reads. But I do have 2 free clients who care about the work we do together. Now I have to stop trying to make the relationship with my certification client work, end it and allow coaching to happen and stop the trying.

I only hobble mildly now, my big toe is still numb but I feel much clearer and loose about the future of my coaching and all things seem easier.

I am the type of person that wants to push, push, push, must go and do and be doing all the time. If I can give myself a break then so can all of you.

I say we all deserve it! I wish you all naps, not thinking too much, not being hard on yourselves, and giving yourself a much needed break. Much love, and light and peace to you all!

Changes

Last week I celebrated a milestone moment in my weight-loss life. To date I have lost 101 lbs and gone under 200 lbs. I felt really great about this and proud of the hardwork I put into this goal. I also thought wouldn't it be nice to feel this great about myself for having done absolutely nothing at all. Instead just wake up in the morning feeling this way and realize it was a beautiful day. Perhaps something to aspire to in the future.


This week I mourned the loss of my very special little furry friend. My sweet little Scooter Pie rabbit. At the ripe old age of 14 we finally had to put her down because her hips gave out on her. She was a beauty. Very fiesty and full of personality. She was a great communicator and would flip her food plate when she was hungry. When she was thirsty she would put a single poo in her water bowl to remind us to change it. She communicated so very clearly without saying a word.

I realize there is always a mixture of sadness and celebration. No matter where we are in our lives. The only choice we have is how to deal with it.

Light and Dark

I am really interested in the stories we tell ourselves and each other about our lives. My stories are sharply contrasted with black and white, opposing forces, good and bad. In my logical head I believe in and can acknowledge my life, situations, people, and episodes are filled with shades of gray. Actually, those are the stories I am drawn to most.

As a self-professed "movie junkie" the stories I find most compelling are the ones where the characters are conflicted and the stories have more gray then well defined "good" guys or "bad" guys. I wonder why then I cling to this notion that somehow if I divide my world up into black and white that it makes me safer? Do I think I have more control over things if they fit into neat little cubes?

I always find it amazing when I have dreams in black and white. Has my mind lost the color? I wonder sometimes why this happens and what it means. I know I struggle with myself about my "black and white" thinking. When I am trying to exert control over my world I tend to want things, situations or people to fall into one category or another. Friend vs. Foe. Good vs. Bad. Fun vs. boring. I am especially vulnerable of labeling food in this way. If I eat 'bad" food does it make me bad? I find thinking this way is constraining me. It limits my world and my choices.

So I search furtively for the gray and invite the color into my choices and to illuminate my life. I am learning to live comfortably with unanswered questions and allow for more of a range of possibilities with myself, other people, money, circumstances, and food. I realize "control" is an illusion that doesn't allow for me to live fully but keeps me boxed up and separate from my life. I wonder now how I can consciously allow things into my life or is that me trying to control again?

Blame the messenger - ignore the message?

I am the messenger. The instigator and the bearer of unglad tidings. I say things that are hard and need to be said. I am standing up for myself and trying to change my situation. I try not to point fingers or blame others for my actions. I take responsibility for my words. I own my own feelings. I ask how I can change my own situation.

I feel burdened and tired and heavy. Like walking through sand. My brain is tired and I don't feel like I can explain myself yet once again to someone else. Do I really need to?

If someone else doesn't understand how I feel does it make what I say less valid? Isn't it valid if only one person feels it?

Ride the wave!

Yuck! Argh! Woah! Cowabunga dude!

I am riding the wave that has anger, fear, uncertainty and frustration in it. With so many changes in my life in the last 6 months, let alone the last year my head is sometimes spinning from it. At times (most times) I am not even sure how I feel. I am in the wave, on top of the wave, being propelled forward by the wave. And sometimes under the wave waiting to break the surface and re-emerge. Thank god, Buddha and the goddess that I am a good swimmer! I can body surf but I always wanted to learn how to surf with a surf-board. This is emotional surfing.

In the past 6 months I left my long-term group therapy group, had gastric bypass surgery, left a job and a whole career field (marketing and fundraising) for a new one (life coaching). I started a new job (to pay the bills) and now at my 6 month post surgery mark I have hit a weight plateau. oh, yeah and I am also going through the termination process with my therapist/counselor of the past 3 years. I have been to 3 different states in the past 3 months. It is a lot of change. And I can tell myself that change is good. Now I am suppose to be responsible for coaching people through their changes? I feel ready and capable at once then in the next moment I feel totally unprepared and lost. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I ready for this?

My head is swimming from all these changes and sometimes I get frustrated, upset and angry. Sometimes this happens and I get frustrated, upset and angry with myself for getting frustrated, upset, and angry.

When I am riding on top of the wave I have all the confidence in the world. I feel elated and soaring -- like I can do anything. I keep telling myself calmly from my centered "inner SELF" that I know I have developed the tools and skills I need to cope with the changes and I can "ride the wave." I think I am operating at the limits of my comfort zone and there is no safety net.

I went to my gastric bypass support group for support and a BIG reality check -- it was good. I felt much better about the weight plateau. I also calmed down my own internal expectations and realized that I still have a huge attachment to the weight loss, succeeding and being "ahead of the projected goals".....all along i have been putting up big weight loss #s. At my 6 month check in and weight in I was at 55% of goal. So of course, I gave myself a big pat on the back. Because I am ahead. So, even though every morning I repeat to myself a little mantra of "If I never loose anymore weight, I am fine as I am." There is a little rebel inside saying, "Fuck no, I want the weight loss. You can do better." I need to make friends with my little rebel and let her know there is a better way to define success than weight loss numbers.

There was a guy at the support group who gave me a good perspective. He said he lost like .6 lbs during the 6 month and then at the 7 month mark lost 11 lbs. He adjusted the intensity of his workout. There was a speaker at the group who was an Exercise expert who talked about changing your exercise. "Do more yoga" has been on my dream board and I checked out the yoga class schedule at work and found one that is going to work for my schedule so that is good. I know I can take steps to work through it physically. Now the hard work is psychically or meta-physically. The belief that keeps biting me on the ass is "I can always do better." I need to remember and re-believe that "There is no bettering me. I am as I am."

I started to get depressed when I think about all the stuff I need to do to get my coaching business up and running. What comes up for me is "there is always just one more thing that I haven't done." I worry that my "everyone" will judge me and I will come up short. I feel very overwhelmed by it. ARRRRGGGGGHH! I need to remember and re-believe that "there will always be one more thing to do, but I won't come undone if it doesn't get done."

I do have a business name that i like. I am not sure if it is my "tag line" or "catch phrase" or business name. . . "Body-wise" Coaching. I really like it. I want to remain friends or at least on "speaking terms" with my body since it is my longest trusted ally and friend. I want to help and support others to do the same. It is such an important thing and yet I don't think I am "done" with my journey yet either.

On my website (yet to be built) I see the Buddha and a swirling panel of chakra colored lights coming out of the Buddha on the flash intro to my website. Who doesn't like a flashing Buddha?

Okay, for now I am riding the wave. Sometimes I will be in the wave, sometimes under waiting to resurface. I just have to remember that I am a strong swimmer and I can deal with a little sand in my bathing suit.

Feast or Famine

Frequently I have see the world in "black and/or white" or as my Irish-Catholic upbringing reminds me so eloquently "feast or famine." When the potato famine happened in Ireland and all those ships brought the starving hordes to America Jonathan Swift wrote a famous article about how the Irish could solve this crisis by "eating their own children". Of course, ironic but not entirely wrong.

Martha Beck calls this "all or nothing" thinking the "Inner Lizard". We are all hard-wired with animal instincts that "there is not enough" which is driven by the "flight or fight" response. Like me, when you have struggled with eating issues it presents itself as the "feast or famine." I will eat everything in front of me for there will never be enough to fill the hole....or I will deny myself and eat nothing for the next 24 hours.

Of course, denial is also related to guilt and repentance (another lovely vestige left over when you are a retired Catholic such as myself). Denial increases the urge in me and turns up the fear so it washes up and envelopes me like a huge hungry tidal wave. In these moments, picture me in my kitchen literally shaking from hunger or fear or what have you and trying to eat un-thawed frozen food -- like I will never see another food morsel in my life.

I have been learning that so much of the "feast or famine" is in my head and my heart. Just like Swift was trying to remind his people (my people) there was NO famine in Ireland at this time only a failure of one particular crop -- the potato. Irish people came to America in droves with hungry eyes. It wasn't until they claimed their power in the American society did they squelch their own hunger.

The famine for me was the loneliness and disconnection that I had within myself and thus with other people. The famine for me was both physical and mental. I never needed to look outside myself or to food for comfort. I already had it with in me. I have learned to see the famine as temporary and try to focus on the feast as the best my life has to offer....only sometimes does that include food.

Mostly, I have learned to feast on the love and connections I feel to life around me. I feast on my connections to nature through my garden or through my special little backyard friends. I am learning to find the richness that my own body can offer me. I revel in my ability to feel strong riding my bike or up high on horseback going down a dusty trail.

I am my own companion. My own well-spring of love and life. It was always there. It just took me to find it. Sláinte!

A tribute to my women's group

List of Tunes for the Group

All of these songs mean something to me, sometimes reminding me of myself or of someone in the group. They are sad, inspiration, hopeful, brave, personal, take risks, and express deep longing for something better. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. -Felicia

For Beth & Donna
“Me” – Paula Cole
The album that this song comes from is called “This Fire” which is all about that fire that burns deep within us and that keeps us driving forward for more. More fun, more love, more personal fulfillment, and even sometimes more work. Sometimes I think I was so anxious to move forward and “fix” a problem that I was unwilling to let myself just reflect or think. For us “high achievers” we cherish the thing that propels us forwards and keeps us productive. It is also sometimes the thing that breaks us down and doesn’t let us take care of ourselves. I am constantly reminded to cherish my “down time” and respect myself enough to allow myself a break or a much needed pat on the back. I wish for you the ability to fail and not feel like a failure. Thank you both for your strength and for the beautiful example you both show me of determination. I wish for you more self compassion and kindness so you can take your lives where you want them to be, claim your fear and expose the joy.

“Nothing is Good Enough” – Aimee Mann
Aimee Mann has one of those not so perfect voices that is both soulful and lovely. This song reminds me of my own inner “critic”. Sometimes she is a little too loud (usually because I am trying to ignore her). I think the song illustrates how we all suffer under the weight of our own criticism (which is usually worse than someone else’s). Ultimately the answer to this question is YES sometimes it is good enough.

“Al Otro Lado del Rio” – From the Motorcycle Diaries Soundtrack
So, this is a song from the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies. It is about Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (who was a central American revolutionary that believed that communism would save his country) and his journey from a medical student to ultimately the leader of a revolution. He takes a motorcycle trip with a friend to see the country (I think Argentina). He is relatively middle class and for the first time in his life experiences how other people live. He goes to work in a leper colony and is deeply moved by the people. One night on his birthday he swims across a river (even though he has asthma) because he wants to spend his time with the lepers. The song is called “The Other side of the River” and it is obviously a metaphor for how we close ourselves off to each other and ourselves. In the song he sings “I see a light on the other side of the river” and it is that epiphany we all have when it occurs to us to step outside our comfort areas. Each and every one of you does that to various degrees every time you come to group. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

For Alison
“All You Need is Love” – The Beatles
Okay, sounds corny I know but having lost a large source of the greatest love, warmth, compassion and your compass in the world (in your Mom) I feel like you need more love. You, my friend give it out to others (especially in the group) ten fold. You have such warmth and compassion for everyone including me in the group. You are the official cheerleader. You are the first one to step up and offer support or try to relate to someone else. I wish for you more self love. For me the answer was love – self love. Perhaps that will help you as well. I wish for you an ease in your burden of grief, that you share that pain and loss with the group and in the process receive what you so willingly give to others.

For Anne
“Pavement Cracks” – Annie Lennox
Annie Lennox created this fantastic album called “Bare”. On the cover she has little or no makeup and is naked. The songs on this album are personal and I think she bares her soul. I love how personal they are. It reminds me of how honest and true you are Anne. I looked to you in group a lot to lead me the way and take the chances with your emotions. I have learned so much from the chances you have taken in group. “Love don’t show up in the pavement cracks. All my watercolors fade to black. I am going nowhere and I’m ten steps back. All my dreams are falling fast.” Okay, that sounds depressing but believe me it is not.

For Kristina
“Blackbird” – The Beatles
Beautiful. Hopeful. Seize the moment and fly. I love this song. It is a little bitter sweet and that is how I will think of you. My wish for you is internal peace.

For Patty
“I will not be broken” – Bonnie Raitt
I play this song everyday. At least once a day. I think of it as my anthem. It gives me strength. Bonnie Raitt is so cool. I like to picture myself onstage with her signing this song. I don’t have a great signing voice but I love to sing this song. I don’t really care how bad I sound. Patty, sing it loud and proud – think of me. “Take me down, you can hold me but you can’t hold what’s within. Maybe I may bend. But, I know where I am not going. I will not be broken. I will not be someone other than who I am.” You said it Bonnie. Patty you one of the strongest people I know. You are flexible and strong and may bend but NOT break. I can’t wait to see you “kick asses and take names” and fully step into your own, famous artist and all.

“I am not my hair” – India.Arie
Okay, so it’s about black girl's hair but I relate to the idea that we are way more that our hair, our clothes, or what’s on the outside. “We are the soul that lives inside.” Who doesn’t have a picture of that doomed “Dorothy Hammill” gone wrong (oh, yeah I had that). Martha Beck believes that when you are going through some sort of life change you get your haircut. Change your hair – change your life. ‘Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?”

SONGS YOU SHOULD BUY JUST BECAUSE...

“Beautiful Flower” – India.Arie
Great song! “We are moving from the darkness into the light. This is the defining moment of our lives. Cuz you’re beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, powerful like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind, there is nothing in this world that you cannot do when you believe in you.” Go to ITUNES and buy it NOW. It costs .99 cents and the money goes to Oprah’s Leadership Academy for girls in South Africa. You are all beautiful flowers.

For Aliki
“What do you hear in these sounds?” – Dar Williams
Have you ever heard a song dedicated to a therapist? This is the first one I ever heard. I love the lyrics if you can get past Dar William’s voice which borders on annoying. “I don’t go to therapy to find out if I’m a freak” Now, I know my relationship with Aliki isn’t that neurotic. “Oh, how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk about myself”. As I said the other night, I thank you for being a “talented gardener” that tends to each of us (being a flower in different stages of blossoming). I feel the surge of love when I feel your warm rays of praise focused in my direction. Here are the lyrics….

Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent.
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent.
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something, But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...And she saysOooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?

And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????
I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your pastIts all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?

"and.......Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............
And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworksAnd I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...andOooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these......that's what I hear in these SOUU OUUUN NNNDS!

I will miss Tuesday nights! Love to you all!

New Year, New Life, New You

I had Gastric Bypass Surgery on February 13th of this year. I told only a small group of family and friends. I did not tell my parents or my brother. I made this decision because I didn't feel I would get the support I needed or deserved from them. Sometimes I feel guilty about this but mostly I feel that it was the right decision.

It's a new year and I am starting to learn to eat all over again. Everything is baby steps and in the beginging it was sometimes baby food literally. I had to learn how to be kind and forgiving to myself. Hold my own hand.

The surgery was the "easy" part. All the stuff afterwards was the hard part (and still is). Some days I feel completely on top of things....others I feel completely plowed under by them. Food is omnipresent. Sometimes I feel afraid of it. Like introducing new people into my life. I am distrusting of it. Will it make me sick? Will my new stomach like it? It is a forced process of mindfulness. I appreciate all the things that surgery has taught me about myself.

I feel like I can do anything. Before I might have known I was capable but didn't necessarily believe it. Now I believe it and feel it. Right down to my toes.

My body has changed so drastically. I knew I was in there under all that flesh or fat or cushion or what-have-you. I look back at that other Felicia and I want to give her a hug. She doesn't repulse me or disappoint me. I feel nothing but love and sympathy for her. She worked soooo hard. She was sooo sad sometimes. She thought she had to do it all herself. She was afraid to ask for help. Afraid to be weak.

Circular Logic

Who is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. What is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. Don't talk myself out of doing it. Talk to myself and work it out. Outside of my own head -- inside it is too noisy. I need to please myself and fulfill my aspirations. What are my aspirations? I am not sure. If I am not sure how can I fulfill then? If I don't know what they are then how can I find them? How can I find me?

My Life Purpose?

I think about my life purpose often. Meditate on it. Practice mindful observation. I earnestly stretch my palms out to the world and ask the universe for guidance. The response I get back, over, and over -- continuously in every shape and form -- is that my life's purpose is not written out. It is mine to create. It is mine to own. It is uniquely mine. I sigh.

I would love it to be all mapped out like a nicely written wanted ad. "Your life purpose is as a highly sucessful blabba-blah. You will be paid handsomely. You will be rewarded for your hard work and interpersonal skills. People will adore you. You will love what you do."

I am not sure if my life's work and my next job are the same thing. I think that there are probably levels into between to get there. Another big sigh.

Why can't someone pay me just to be me? Insightful, seeing things other people don't, making connections between people and concepts. Those firecracker kind of insights that come to me in a blink of an eye. Usually with the kind of humor you can't manufacture but that just comes and is funny just because you are not trying to be funny. Okay, so I can't be the "white Oprah."

I have done the visualization of what my "future workplace" looks like. I have this great office with lots of windows. Mostly glass and transparent. Lots of natural wood, calming soothing colors and tones. There were multi-generational employees. Young kids and mature adults all in the same place. Lots of natural light and plants. A central courtyard with a pond of coi fish and a beautiful japanese garden with life-size zen sand and rake area. Lots of calm but good energy. I was in charge of this place. Is it a school? A multi-generational residence community? It seems like it is a modern building. Maybe somewhere like California?

So, I admire the universe's choice for me....but also feel the burden of having to come up with something unique, that reflects me, and is multi-generational. I resist my own gifts.

Why couldn't I just be a doctor or a lawyer or something already written down? I don't feel like being an explorer today. I need a nap or to kick my own butt.

Why do bullies get promoted?

I ponder this in the workplace world often. Why do bullies get promoted?

These are the people in the workplace usually no one likes and don't play well with the other kids. They are mean, loud, cruel, and generally ill-behaved. If they were kids they would be the ones on the playground with a humpy-little-beast of a side kick and some sort of hulking persona.

Other kids stay clear and fear but not exactly respect them.

In the work place they get promoted. The "higher ups" see them as "go getters" and employees who get the job done. But, at what cost?

Another example that proves to me that workplace is just an adult version (a sometimes only mildly adult) of the playground. There is a tattle tale, a geek, a jock, a gossip, a shy kid, the popular kid, and yes of course the Bully.