Ride the wave!

Yuck! Argh! Woah! Cowabunga dude!

I am riding the wave that has anger, fear, uncertainty and frustration in it. With so many changes in my life in the last 6 months, let alone the last year my head is sometimes spinning from it. At times (most times) I am not even sure how I feel. I am in the wave, on top of the wave, being propelled forward by the wave. And sometimes under the wave waiting to break the surface and re-emerge. Thank god, Buddha and the goddess that I am a good swimmer! I can body surf but I always wanted to learn how to surf with a surf-board. This is emotional surfing.

In the past 6 months I left my long-term group therapy group, had gastric bypass surgery, left a job and a whole career field (marketing and fundraising) for a new one (life coaching). I started a new job (to pay the bills) and now at my 6 month post surgery mark I have hit a weight plateau. oh, yeah and I am also going through the termination process with my therapist/counselor of the past 3 years. I have been to 3 different states in the past 3 months. It is a lot of change. And I can tell myself that change is good. Now I am suppose to be responsible for coaching people through their changes? I feel ready and capable at once then in the next moment I feel totally unprepared and lost. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I ready for this?

My head is swimming from all these changes and sometimes I get frustrated, upset and angry. Sometimes this happens and I get frustrated, upset and angry with myself for getting frustrated, upset, and angry.

When I am riding on top of the wave I have all the confidence in the world. I feel elated and soaring -- like I can do anything. I keep telling myself calmly from my centered "inner SELF" that I know I have developed the tools and skills I need to cope with the changes and I can "ride the wave." I think I am operating at the limits of my comfort zone and there is no safety net.

I went to my gastric bypass support group for support and a BIG reality check -- it was good. I felt much better about the weight plateau. I also calmed down my own internal expectations and realized that I still have a huge attachment to the weight loss, succeeding and being "ahead of the projected goals".....all along i have been putting up big weight loss #s. At my 6 month check in and weight in I was at 55% of goal. So of course, I gave myself a big pat on the back. Because I am ahead. So, even though every morning I repeat to myself a little mantra of "If I never loose anymore weight, I am fine as I am." There is a little rebel inside saying, "Fuck no, I want the weight loss. You can do better." I need to make friends with my little rebel and let her know there is a better way to define success than weight loss numbers.

There was a guy at the support group who gave me a good perspective. He said he lost like .6 lbs during the 6 month and then at the 7 month mark lost 11 lbs. He adjusted the intensity of his workout. There was a speaker at the group who was an Exercise expert who talked about changing your exercise. "Do more yoga" has been on my dream board and I checked out the yoga class schedule at work and found one that is going to work for my schedule so that is good. I know I can take steps to work through it physically. Now the hard work is psychically or meta-physically. The belief that keeps biting me on the ass is "I can always do better." I need to remember and re-believe that "There is no bettering me. I am as I am."

I started to get depressed when I think about all the stuff I need to do to get my coaching business up and running. What comes up for me is "there is always just one more thing that I haven't done." I worry that my "everyone" will judge me and I will come up short. I feel very overwhelmed by it. ARRRRGGGGGHH! I need to remember and re-believe that "there will always be one more thing to do, but I won't come undone if it doesn't get done."

I do have a business name that i like. I am not sure if it is my "tag line" or "catch phrase" or business name. . . "Body-wise" Coaching. I really like it. I want to remain friends or at least on "speaking terms" with my body since it is my longest trusted ally and friend. I want to help and support others to do the same. It is such an important thing and yet I don't think I am "done" with my journey yet either.

On my website (yet to be built) I see the Buddha and a swirling panel of chakra colored lights coming out of the Buddha on the flash intro to my website. Who doesn't like a flashing Buddha?

Okay, for now I am riding the wave. Sometimes I will be in the wave, sometimes under waiting to resurface. I just have to remember that I am a strong swimmer and I can deal with a little sand in my bathing suit.

Feast or Famine

Frequently I have see the world in "black and/or white" or as my Irish-Catholic upbringing reminds me so eloquently "feast or famine." When the potato famine happened in Ireland and all those ships brought the starving hordes to America Jonathan Swift wrote a famous article about how the Irish could solve this crisis by "eating their own children". Of course, ironic but not entirely wrong.

Martha Beck calls this "all or nothing" thinking the "Inner Lizard". We are all hard-wired with animal instincts that "there is not enough" which is driven by the "flight or fight" response. Like me, when you have struggled with eating issues it presents itself as the "feast or famine." I will eat everything in front of me for there will never be enough to fill the hole....or I will deny myself and eat nothing for the next 24 hours.

Of course, denial is also related to guilt and repentance (another lovely vestige left over when you are a retired Catholic such as myself). Denial increases the urge in me and turns up the fear so it washes up and envelopes me like a huge hungry tidal wave. In these moments, picture me in my kitchen literally shaking from hunger or fear or what have you and trying to eat un-thawed frozen food -- like I will never see another food morsel in my life.

I have been learning that so much of the "feast or famine" is in my head and my heart. Just like Swift was trying to remind his people (my people) there was NO famine in Ireland at this time only a failure of one particular crop -- the potato. Irish people came to America in droves with hungry eyes. It wasn't until they claimed their power in the American society did they squelch their own hunger.

The famine for me was the loneliness and disconnection that I had within myself and thus with other people. The famine for me was both physical and mental. I never needed to look outside myself or to food for comfort. I already had it with in me. I have learned to see the famine as temporary and try to focus on the feast as the best my life has to offer....only sometimes does that include food.

Mostly, I have learned to feast on the love and connections I feel to life around me. I feast on my connections to nature through my garden or through my special little backyard friends. I am learning to find the richness that my own body can offer me. I revel in my ability to feel strong riding my bike or up high on horseback going down a dusty trail.

I am my own companion. My own well-spring of love and life. It was always there. It just took me to find it. Sláinte!