Light and Dark

I am really interested in the stories we tell ourselves and each other about our lives. My stories are sharply contrasted with black and white, opposing forces, good and bad. In my logical head I believe in and can acknowledge my life, situations, people, and episodes are filled with shades of gray. Actually, those are the stories I am drawn to most.

As a self-professed "movie junkie" the stories I find most compelling are the ones where the characters are conflicted and the stories have more gray then well defined "good" guys or "bad" guys. I wonder why then I cling to this notion that somehow if I divide my world up into black and white that it makes me safer? Do I think I have more control over things if they fit into neat little cubes?

I always find it amazing when I have dreams in black and white. Has my mind lost the color? I wonder sometimes why this happens and what it means. I know I struggle with myself about my "black and white" thinking. When I am trying to exert control over my world I tend to want things, situations or people to fall into one category or another. Friend vs. Foe. Good vs. Bad. Fun vs. boring. I am especially vulnerable of labeling food in this way. If I eat 'bad" food does it make me bad? I find thinking this way is constraining me. It limits my world and my choices.

So I search furtively for the gray and invite the color into my choices and to illuminate my life. I am learning to live comfortably with unanswered questions and allow for more of a range of possibilities with myself, other people, money, circumstances, and food. I realize "control" is an illusion that doesn't allow for me to live fully but keeps me boxed up and separate from my life. I wonder now how I can consciously allow things into my life or is that me trying to control again?

Blame the messenger - ignore the message?

I am the messenger. The instigator and the bearer of unglad tidings. I say things that are hard and need to be said. I am standing up for myself and trying to change my situation. I try not to point fingers or blame others for my actions. I take responsibility for my words. I own my own feelings. I ask how I can change my own situation.

I feel burdened and tired and heavy. Like walking through sand. My brain is tired and I don't feel like I can explain myself yet once again to someone else. Do I really need to?

If someone else doesn't understand how I feel does it make what I say less valid? Isn't it valid if only one person feels it?