I am Body-Wise?

How do I listen to my body when it needs rest? Do I listen? What clues does it give me?

Recently, I have been dealing with debilitating back pain and sciatica with shooting, burning pain and numbness down my leg and into my foot. It took this as a serious message from my body for me to stop, take a rest, slow down, and take care of myself.

So many of us ignore our bodies. The physical therapist that I have been seeing put it so aptly. "The louder and angrier the nerve is -- the greater and further the pain is felt." The nerve that was compressed in my back was doing a fantastic job of communicating! I was angry and tired of taking care of other people and putting myself last. I was sad about my rabbit dying and still trying to put my grief aside to coach my clients and take care of their needs.

So much a part of my coaching is coaching myself through the same issues that I will be tackling with my clients. I know this makes me sympathetic and a better coach. Plus it also gives me another tool to practice on myself first and then help others with. So, I have the capacity to be body-wise and need to tune-in to myself to listen.

During this holiday season I will practice this tuning-in as much as I can. I will meditate with a great CD by Belleruth Naparstek called "Relaxation and Wellness" which uses both creative visualization and positive statements that allow me to reinforce this goodwill and "feed my mind" with positive messages. I will continue to feed myself well. Not denying myself tastes of cookies or sweets but also making sure I take my vitamins and supplements and drink my protein shakes, and eat beautiful, colorful, tasty well balanced meals. As my pain subsides and my back improves, I will resist the urge to push and do more than feels good. I will allow my body to continue to heal and rest and enjoy the respite from taking care of others.

I will listen to the anger, feel it, express it, and honor the message. I will not ignore the pain of the loss of my furry friend. I will ask for help when I need it and not expect others to read my mind. I will be grateful that my back improves and that I can continue my friendship with my body, my trusted friend and ally.

I think being Body-wise is being body aware. Not having all the answers but allowing the conversation to continue and keeping the communication open like in any ongoing relationship. Ignoring pain makes it fester.

Rest for the Angry Pirate

I will share my story more as a cautionary tale so we can all remember to give ourselves a break. Plus you may also get a laugh over it.

The week of thanksgiving I had to put my sweet little 14 year old bunny rabbit to sleep and then I had my long-time therapist call me to cancel our very last appt together (our final - say goodbye and finish therapy appt) and then I had to cook a turkey for my parents (adult children of alcoholics) who both "white knuckle it" through the holidays with "company grins".

Amongst all this I have been coaching my certification client who I dread and every time I talk to I get a stomach ache. She is like visiting a black hole for a little over an hour every week. I spend my days smiling (just got the reference point on that one), trying to ignore my right foot (which was numb), taking pain killers that make me fuzzy, and sitting on an ice pack so I could function, eat dinner, and work everyday.

That holiday weekend I was in the ER because the pain was so bad my whole leg was numb and I had searing hot pain down my leg and back. I was walking around like a pirate w/ a very bad attitude because I also was not sleeping at night from the pain. ARE THERE ENOUGH BODY COMPASS SIGNS TO TELL WHAT IS GOING ON YET?

I had a coaching session w/ my buddy Ginny last week whilst lying on the floor of my living room on my stomach (because I can't sit, stand or walk properly) and balled my eyes out like a baby. She said very simply, "Why don't you take a break?"

It was like the heavens opened up and I heard the harps. I emailed all my clients said I was unavail until January 7th and took an afternoon off from work and bought some books I have been meaning to read and finally felt relief.

I can honestly admit that I feel okay that I don't have a website, or a seminar, or a book, or lots of clients. I don't have a column or blog that anyone reads. But I do have 2 free clients who care about the work we do together. Now I have to stop trying to make the relationship with my certification client work, end it and allow coaching to happen and stop the trying.

I only hobble mildly now, my big toe is still numb but I feel much clearer and loose about the future of my coaching and all things seem easier.

I am the type of person that wants to push, push, push, must go and do and be doing all the time. If I can give myself a break then so can all of you.

I say we all deserve it! I wish you all naps, not thinking too much, not being hard on yourselves, and giving yourself a much needed break. Much love, and light and peace to you all!

Changes

Last week I celebrated a milestone moment in my weight-loss life. To date I have lost 101 lbs and gone under 200 lbs. I felt really great about this and proud of the hardwork I put into this goal. I also thought wouldn't it be nice to feel this great about myself for having done absolutely nothing at all. Instead just wake up in the morning feeling this way and realize it was a beautiful day. Perhaps something to aspire to in the future.


This week I mourned the loss of my very special little furry friend. My sweet little Scooter Pie rabbit. At the ripe old age of 14 we finally had to put her down because her hips gave out on her. She was a beauty. Very fiesty and full of personality. She was a great communicator and would flip her food plate when she was hungry. When she was thirsty she would put a single poo in her water bowl to remind us to change it. She communicated so very clearly without saying a word.

I realize there is always a mixture of sadness and celebration. No matter where we are in our lives. The only choice we have is how to deal with it.

Light and Dark

I am really interested in the stories we tell ourselves and each other about our lives. My stories are sharply contrasted with black and white, opposing forces, good and bad. In my logical head I believe in and can acknowledge my life, situations, people, and episodes are filled with shades of gray. Actually, those are the stories I am drawn to most.

As a self-professed "movie junkie" the stories I find most compelling are the ones where the characters are conflicted and the stories have more gray then well defined "good" guys or "bad" guys. I wonder why then I cling to this notion that somehow if I divide my world up into black and white that it makes me safer? Do I think I have more control over things if they fit into neat little cubes?

I always find it amazing when I have dreams in black and white. Has my mind lost the color? I wonder sometimes why this happens and what it means. I know I struggle with myself about my "black and white" thinking. When I am trying to exert control over my world I tend to want things, situations or people to fall into one category or another. Friend vs. Foe. Good vs. Bad. Fun vs. boring. I am especially vulnerable of labeling food in this way. If I eat 'bad" food does it make me bad? I find thinking this way is constraining me. It limits my world and my choices.

So I search furtively for the gray and invite the color into my choices and to illuminate my life. I am learning to live comfortably with unanswered questions and allow for more of a range of possibilities with myself, other people, money, circumstances, and food. I realize "control" is an illusion that doesn't allow for me to live fully but keeps me boxed up and separate from my life. I wonder now how I can consciously allow things into my life or is that me trying to control again?

Blame the messenger - ignore the message?

I am the messenger. The instigator and the bearer of unglad tidings. I say things that are hard and need to be said. I am standing up for myself and trying to change my situation. I try not to point fingers or blame others for my actions. I take responsibility for my words. I own my own feelings. I ask how I can change my own situation.

I feel burdened and tired and heavy. Like walking through sand. My brain is tired and I don't feel like I can explain myself yet once again to someone else. Do I really need to?

If someone else doesn't understand how I feel does it make what I say less valid? Isn't it valid if only one person feels it?

Ride the wave!

Yuck! Argh! Woah! Cowabunga dude!

I am riding the wave that has anger, fear, uncertainty and frustration in it. With so many changes in my life in the last 6 months, let alone the last year my head is sometimes spinning from it. At times (most times) I am not even sure how I feel. I am in the wave, on top of the wave, being propelled forward by the wave. And sometimes under the wave waiting to break the surface and re-emerge. Thank god, Buddha and the goddess that I am a good swimmer! I can body surf but I always wanted to learn how to surf with a surf-board. This is emotional surfing.

In the past 6 months I left my long-term group therapy group, had gastric bypass surgery, left a job and a whole career field (marketing and fundraising) for a new one (life coaching). I started a new job (to pay the bills) and now at my 6 month post surgery mark I have hit a weight plateau. oh, yeah and I am also going through the termination process with my therapist/counselor of the past 3 years. I have been to 3 different states in the past 3 months. It is a lot of change. And I can tell myself that change is good. Now I am suppose to be responsible for coaching people through their changes? I feel ready and capable at once then in the next moment I feel totally unprepared and lost. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I ready for this?

My head is swimming from all these changes and sometimes I get frustrated, upset and angry. Sometimes this happens and I get frustrated, upset and angry with myself for getting frustrated, upset, and angry.

When I am riding on top of the wave I have all the confidence in the world. I feel elated and soaring -- like I can do anything. I keep telling myself calmly from my centered "inner SELF" that I know I have developed the tools and skills I need to cope with the changes and I can "ride the wave." I think I am operating at the limits of my comfort zone and there is no safety net.

I went to my gastric bypass support group for support and a BIG reality check -- it was good. I felt much better about the weight plateau. I also calmed down my own internal expectations and realized that I still have a huge attachment to the weight loss, succeeding and being "ahead of the projected goals".....all along i have been putting up big weight loss #s. At my 6 month check in and weight in I was at 55% of goal. So of course, I gave myself a big pat on the back. Because I am ahead. So, even though every morning I repeat to myself a little mantra of "If I never loose anymore weight, I am fine as I am." There is a little rebel inside saying, "Fuck no, I want the weight loss. You can do better." I need to make friends with my little rebel and let her know there is a better way to define success than weight loss numbers.

There was a guy at the support group who gave me a good perspective. He said he lost like .6 lbs during the 6 month and then at the 7 month mark lost 11 lbs. He adjusted the intensity of his workout. There was a speaker at the group who was an Exercise expert who talked about changing your exercise. "Do more yoga" has been on my dream board and I checked out the yoga class schedule at work and found one that is going to work for my schedule so that is good. I know I can take steps to work through it physically. Now the hard work is psychically or meta-physically. The belief that keeps biting me on the ass is "I can always do better." I need to remember and re-believe that "There is no bettering me. I am as I am."

I started to get depressed when I think about all the stuff I need to do to get my coaching business up and running. What comes up for me is "there is always just one more thing that I haven't done." I worry that my "everyone" will judge me and I will come up short. I feel very overwhelmed by it. ARRRRGGGGGHH! I need to remember and re-believe that "there will always be one more thing to do, but I won't come undone if it doesn't get done."

I do have a business name that i like. I am not sure if it is my "tag line" or "catch phrase" or business name. . . "Body-wise" Coaching. I really like it. I want to remain friends or at least on "speaking terms" with my body since it is my longest trusted ally and friend. I want to help and support others to do the same. It is such an important thing and yet I don't think I am "done" with my journey yet either.

On my website (yet to be built) I see the Buddha and a swirling panel of chakra colored lights coming out of the Buddha on the flash intro to my website. Who doesn't like a flashing Buddha?

Okay, for now I am riding the wave. Sometimes I will be in the wave, sometimes under waiting to resurface. I just have to remember that I am a strong swimmer and I can deal with a little sand in my bathing suit.

Feast or Famine

Frequently I have see the world in "black and/or white" or as my Irish-Catholic upbringing reminds me so eloquently "feast or famine." When the potato famine happened in Ireland and all those ships brought the starving hordes to America Jonathan Swift wrote a famous article about how the Irish could solve this crisis by "eating their own children". Of course, ironic but not entirely wrong.

Martha Beck calls this "all or nothing" thinking the "Inner Lizard". We are all hard-wired with animal instincts that "there is not enough" which is driven by the "flight or fight" response. Like me, when you have struggled with eating issues it presents itself as the "feast or famine." I will eat everything in front of me for there will never be enough to fill the hole....or I will deny myself and eat nothing for the next 24 hours.

Of course, denial is also related to guilt and repentance (another lovely vestige left over when you are a retired Catholic such as myself). Denial increases the urge in me and turns up the fear so it washes up and envelopes me like a huge hungry tidal wave. In these moments, picture me in my kitchen literally shaking from hunger or fear or what have you and trying to eat un-thawed frozen food -- like I will never see another food morsel in my life.

I have been learning that so much of the "feast or famine" is in my head and my heart. Just like Swift was trying to remind his people (my people) there was NO famine in Ireland at this time only a failure of one particular crop -- the potato. Irish people came to America in droves with hungry eyes. It wasn't until they claimed their power in the American society did they squelch their own hunger.

The famine for me was the loneliness and disconnection that I had within myself and thus with other people. The famine for me was both physical and mental. I never needed to look outside myself or to food for comfort. I already had it with in me. I have learned to see the famine as temporary and try to focus on the feast as the best my life has to offer....only sometimes does that include food.

Mostly, I have learned to feast on the love and connections I feel to life around me. I feast on my connections to nature through my garden or through my special little backyard friends. I am learning to find the richness that my own body can offer me. I revel in my ability to feel strong riding my bike or up high on horseback going down a dusty trail.

I am my own companion. My own well-spring of love and life. It was always there. It just took me to find it. Sláinte!

A tribute to my women's group

List of Tunes for the Group

All of these songs mean something to me, sometimes reminding me of myself or of someone in the group. They are sad, inspiration, hopeful, brave, personal, take risks, and express deep longing for something better. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. -Felicia

For Beth & Donna
“Me” – Paula Cole
The album that this song comes from is called “This Fire” which is all about that fire that burns deep within us and that keeps us driving forward for more. More fun, more love, more personal fulfillment, and even sometimes more work. Sometimes I think I was so anxious to move forward and “fix” a problem that I was unwilling to let myself just reflect or think. For us “high achievers” we cherish the thing that propels us forwards and keeps us productive. It is also sometimes the thing that breaks us down and doesn’t let us take care of ourselves. I am constantly reminded to cherish my “down time” and respect myself enough to allow myself a break or a much needed pat on the back. I wish for you the ability to fail and not feel like a failure. Thank you both for your strength and for the beautiful example you both show me of determination. I wish for you more self compassion and kindness so you can take your lives where you want them to be, claim your fear and expose the joy.

“Nothing is Good Enough” – Aimee Mann
Aimee Mann has one of those not so perfect voices that is both soulful and lovely. This song reminds me of my own inner “critic”. Sometimes she is a little too loud (usually because I am trying to ignore her). I think the song illustrates how we all suffer under the weight of our own criticism (which is usually worse than someone else’s). Ultimately the answer to this question is YES sometimes it is good enough.

“Al Otro Lado del Rio” – From the Motorcycle Diaries Soundtrack
So, this is a song from the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies. It is about Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (who was a central American revolutionary that believed that communism would save his country) and his journey from a medical student to ultimately the leader of a revolution. He takes a motorcycle trip with a friend to see the country (I think Argentina). He is relatively middle class and for the first time in his life experiences how other people live. He goes to work in a leper colony and is deeply moved by the people. One night on his birthday he swims across a river (even though he has asthma) because he wants to spend his time with the lepers. The song is called “The Other side of the River” and it is obviously a metaphor for how we close ourselves off to each other and ourselves. In the song he sings “I see a light on the other side of the river” and it is that epiphany we all have when it occurs to us to step outside our comfort areas. Each and every one of you does that to various degrees every time you come to group. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

For Alison
“All You Need is Love” – The Beatles
Okay, sounds corny I know but having lost a large source of the greatest love, warmth, compassion and your compass in the world (in your Mom) I feel like you need more love. You, my friend give it out to others (especially in the group) ten fold. You have such warmth and compassion for everyone including me in the group. You are the official cheerleader. You are the first one to step up and offer support or try to relate to someone else. I wish for you more self love. For me the answer was love – self love. Perhaps that will help you as well. I wish for you an ease in your burden of grief, that you share that pain and loss with the group and in the process receive what you so willingly give to others.

For Anne
“Pavement Cracks” – Annie Lennox
Annie Lennox created this fantastic album called “Bare”. On the cover she has little or no makeup and is naked. The songs on this album are personal and I think she bares her soul. I love how personal they are. It reminds me of how honest and true you are Anne. I looked to you in group a lot to lead me the way and take the chances with your emotions. I have learned so much from the chances you have taken in group. “Love don’t show up in the pavement cracks. All my watercolors fade to black. I am going nowhere and I’m ten steps back. All my dreams are falling fast.” Okay, that sounds depressing but believe me it is not.

For Kristina
“Blackbird” – The Beatles
Beautiful. Hopeful. Seize the moment and fly. I love this song. It is a little bitter sweet and that is how I will think of you. My wish for you is internal peace.

For Patty
“I will not be broken” – Bonnie Raitt
I play this song everyday. At least once a day. I think of it as my anthem. It gives me strength. Bonnie Raitt is so cool. I like to picture myself onstage with her signing this song. I don’t have a great signing voice but I love to sing this song. I don’t really care how bad I sound. Patty, sing it loud and proud – think of me. “Take me down, you can hold me but you can’t hold what’s within. Maybe I may bend. But, I know where I am not going. I will not be broken. I will not be someone other than who I am.” You said it Bonnie. Patty you one of the strongest people I know. You are flexible and strong and may bend but NOT break. I can’t wait to see you “kick asses and take names” and fully step into your own, famous artist and all.

“I am not my hair” – India.Arie
Okay, so it’s about black girl's hair but I relate to the idea that we are way more that our hair, our clothes, or what’s on the outside. “We are the soul that lives inside.” Who doesn’t have a picture of that doomed “Dorothy Hammill” gone wrong (oh, yeah I had that). Martha Beck believes that when you are going through some sort of life change you get your haircut. Change your hair – change your life. ‘Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?”

SONGS YOU SHOULD BUY JUST BECAUSE...

“Beautiful Flower” – India.Arie
Great song! “We are moving from the darkness into the light. This is the defining moment of our lives. Cuz you’re beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, powerful like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind, there is nothing in this world that you cannot do when you believe in you.” Go to ITUNES and buy it NOW. It costs .99 cents and the money goes to Oprah’s Leadership Academy for girls in South Africa. You are all beautiful flowers.

For Aliki
“What do you hear in these sounds?” – Dar Williams
Have you ever heard a song dedicated to a therapist? This is the first one I ever heard. I love the lyrics if you can get past Dar William’s voice which borders on annoying. “I don’t go to therapy to find out if I’m a freak” Now, I know my relationship with Aliki isn’t that neurotic. “Oh, how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk about myself”. As I said the other night, I thank you for being a “talented gardener” that tends to each of us (being a flower in different stages of blossoming). I feel the surge of love when I feel your warm rays of praise focused in my direction. Here are the lyrics….

Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent.
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent.
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something, But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...And she saysOooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?

And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????
I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your pastIts all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?

"and.......Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............
And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworksAnd I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...andOooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these......that's what I hear in these SOUU OUUUN NNNDS!

I will miss Tuesday nights! Love to you all!

New Year, New Life, New You

I had Gastric Bypass Surgery on February 13th of this year. I told only a small group of family and friends. I did not tell my parents or my brother. I made this decision because I didn't feel I would get the support I needed or deserved from them. Sometimes I feel guilty about this but mostly I feel that it was the right decision.

It's a new year and I am starting to learn to eat all over again. Everything is baby steps and in the beginging it was sometimes baby food literally. I had to learn how to be kind and forgiving to myself. Hold my own hand.

The surgery was the "easy" part. All the stuff afterwards was the hard part (and still is). Some days I feel completely on top of things....others I feel completely plowed under by them. Food is omnipresent. Sometimes I feel afraid of it. Like introducing new people into my life. I am distrusting of it. Will it make me sick? Will my new stomach like it? It is a forced process of mindfulness. I appreciate all the things that surgery has taught me about myself.

I feel like I can do anything. Before I might have known I was capable but didn't necessarily believe it. Now I believe it and feel it. Right down to my toes.

My body has changed so drastically. I knew I was in there under all that flesh or fat or cushion or what-have-you. I look back at that other Felicia and I want to give her a hug. She doesn't repulse me or disappoint me. I feel nothing but love and sympathy for her. She worked soooo hard. She was sooo sad sometimes. She thought she had to do it all herself. She was afraid to ask for help. Afraid to be weak.

Circular Logic

Who is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. What is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. Don't talk myself out of doing it. Talk to myself and work it out. Outside of my own head -- inside it is too noisy. I need to please myself and fulfill my aspirations. What are my aspirations? I am not sure. If I am not sure how can I fulfill then? If I don't know what they are then how can I find them? How can I find me?