What now?

Getting back on track after loss or having life throw you curve balls is hard. I have been reminded of this recently. I lost a mother figure in my life. I have a brand new niece. I stood up with my brother as his "best man" at his wedding - grateful witness as he starts a new life with his wife and partner of the last 8 years. I experienced all of this as if standing still in the midst of swirling storm. I was quiet. My heart breaks. Sadness wells inside of me. Pride and happiness crash at my feet. I feel myself twisting and bending but never breaking.

Sad and happy go hand and hand. Life and death are as one. Beginnings and ending are never far apart. Life is such a strange mixture of all these things at once. I suffer. I struggle to care for myself. I resist the urge to crawl into a deep, dark hole and hide.

I take my own inventory. You are too thin. I've lost too much weight. I need to stop smoking. My hair is crazy and I need a haircut. I make lists. I return to my goals. I talk to friends. I even console myself. Eat more. Get back to exercise. Find a way to return to the things that make me happy. Clean out my closet. Organize my bills. Sleep in. Cry while watching Casablanca.

So I get up in the morning and start a new day. Some will be happy. Some will be sad. In the end the thing that matters is that I am still standing. Making it better for myself. No one is coming to rescue me. I am the captain of my own ship and I am not afraid to weather the storms ahead.