At the end of my work week last week I began to vent to my work colleagues about how I believed that my spouse "works too much" and as I vented about it I realized I was getting angrier and angrier about it. I worked myself up into a lather about my perceived neglect or lack of attention. Somehow deriving from his absence that there was a lack of validation or attention or dare I say it....love. Looking back on it NOW I ask myself "how did I get myself so worked up?" I know that my reaction had to do with the story that I was telling myself. The story I was telling myself is that ...."if he loved me he would pay more attention to me." "If he loved me I would see him more often and wouldn't feel so neglected. " If he paid more attention to me then I wouldn't be seeking attention so desperately." Seems reasonable?
We have been together for 15 years and he is definitely inconsistent with his attention but I know he loves me. There is no question of this. We are committed with or without the piece of paper that makes it official. I feel and I know it. He confirms this for me as well. So why, did I get myself worked up about how much attention I needed to feel loved and whether he is around to bestow this attention on me? What was I telling myself? I think I was telling myself I needed this validation. Now I am asking myself why did I need it? What else was going on? What part of me really needed this validation? Was it wrong or insecure of me to want it?
I am pretty independent and self sufficient. I don't generally feel needy or worry about how much attention I receive on any given day. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was more consistent with his treatment of me but in no way do I wish that he was attached at my hip or calling me numerous times a day.
I work with clients and advise friends and truly belief myself what I need on any given day is what I am able to give myself. So, why was I left last Friday believing I was lacking something?
To help me investigate what was going on I turned to my intuition cards. Dr. Christiane Northrup has this beautiful series of Intuition cards that I used to divine what else was going on within me. In a simplistic way they are like tarot but in a much deeper way they are used to tap into your own intuition. There are no wrong answers. Using these cards helped me to clear away the mental clutter. When I was using these cards what kept coming up for me is the issue of self-care and self-nuturance. These are old and very familiar issues that I continue to struggle with. Most days I am vigilant but others I get subtle messages from my body and my mind that I am in need of more attention. How and what messages I feed myself are as important as what I feed my body. The two things are very connected. I am getting better at listening.
Although I have been vigilant about my physical self-care I was beginning to be too attached to things outside myself and spending too much time in my own head thinking about my own value (as attached to the size of my jeans, the color of my hair, how old I look on any given day). Of course, this all started to make sense to me this week when I was reading Chapter 2 in Echkart Tolle's book the New Earth. He was writing bout how the ego attaches itself to outside objects which create pain and loss. There is no judgement in this. Not good or bad. It is what the ego does. It all clicked for me. Brick in the forehead yet again. So I will enjoy my new size 10 jeans and my new big green purse but not let them define me. Their value is external and does not and cannot reflect my own internal worth. Actually there is nothing outside myself that can reflect my own worth. It is infinite.
I started to ask myself what others stories am I telling myself. A lot of my stories have to do with attention these days. Am I worthy of the attention that I seek? Will it will come without me asking for it? Why am I worrying about these things? I realized I needed to step back into myself and figure this out a bit. Release the expectations and find my inner core of peace. That meant for me getting back to meditation and journaling and calling my coach for coaching (thanks Ginny for sorting out my head stuff with me).
Just like any good Monday morning quarterback I fully recognize that I am most attractive when I am fully present and myself. Not when I am trying to be someone.....not quite someone else but something other than truly me. Not defined by the jeans, or the hair or the outward stuff. That is just pretty window dressing. Sometimes after yoga class I can look at myself in the mirror and my hair is a mess and I have stinky grubby yoga clothes on...I can actually see myself. Those ruddy checks, clear eyes, and a slight smile on my face and think...."yeah, that's me." I look like me. I feel like me. That is me in the zone. If I close my eyes and see myself in my mind's eye is that what I really look like? Is that really who I am? Maybe who I am has nothing to do with what I look like?
So why did I feed myself this "I am neglected story?" I am not sure. Perhaps I wasn't asserting my needs clearly enough. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention to my inner self. What I realized this week is that I need to continually ask myself who the real me is and take my stand and step into the light and realize my power. Not judge but observe and reconnect to me without all the window dressing.
