Change can be scary to me. But I am proud of myself and have learned not to put wasted energy into the urge to dig my heels in and brace for the worst. I am learning to accept (and sometimes welcome) change as a part of life. I learn this lesson over and over. I get that feeling in my gut like am on a thrill ride but I ride it out. Part of my resistance is my perfectionism. I want to do everything right the first time. Impossible!
I have a new position at work (the job to pay my bills) and I am taking the time to appreciate what brought me to this place. The many friends I have made along the way so very different from me as well as the gracious amounts of support I have received. I look forward to learning new things and expanding my horizons and meeting even more friends in this new position.
I have a new relationship with a wonderful man who is kind and giving who really sees and values me (inside and out). As our relationship grows and develops I resist the urge to swallow my feelings for the sake of "keeping the peace" even when the conversation could be difficult or upsetting. I am inpatient but I am continually taught the value of patience since he moves differently (or perhaps very familiarly) through the world.
I am turning back as well as forging ahead while reconnecting with old friends and family. People from my past which I had lost touch with but have now re-emerged in my life. I am not the same person as I was many years ago. I am more settled and self-assured. I can appreciate and recognize where I am now, my gifts, my talents, and how I touch other people's lives. I feel a deeper and more satisfying connection in these new relationships with old friends.
Again, I reflect on my past long-term relationship and realize we were right for each other at another point in our lives but not anymore. I was reminded of this recently when he told me that he had married his current girlfriend. I felt strange and sad. I felt replaced. I questioned what was wrong with me. I was reminded by both my current partner and my ex that his current marriage was not related to me or what I lack. We were not replaceable in each other's lives. We fulfilled a special place and purpose. We meant something to each other. I was loved. We moved on.
All of these lessons are part of my journey of moving on. I am am thankful.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Highest Compliment
I am so grateful and humble to receive what I think of as the highest compliment I have received in a long time. I know people in my life appreciate my insight, my humor, my intelligence and my instincts with people. I am adept at human negotiations. I navigate relationships and people with thoughtful vision and honesty. I try to maintain, connect and understand the people I care most about. I am a supportive partner, friend, and ally. I can observe, listen and respond in careful loving ways with strangers and friends. I am gifted in this area and I value my skills.
I ended a long term relationship with one of the best men I have ever known (honest, true to his word, hard working, thoughtful). It was difficult to say the least and there were times I thought I was making a horrible mistake and ruining my life. As we worked through the process of "breaking up" we talked a lot about our feelings. We processed a lot of our relationship history and our mutual failings and successes (there had to be many of those since we were together 16 years).
Saying goodbye and coping with the loss of this person and the ending of our relationship was very difficult. There were/are many times I miss him. I miss his company. Sharing every day occurrences with him. But, I don't miss the relationship. Which to me is telling and informs and confirms for me that I made the right decision.
We both have new relationships now with good people. People who are likely more similar to ourselves then to our previous partners. We both carry through to our new relationships what we learned being with each other. Roger taught me how to be brave, to speak my mind, to not be afraid of conflict, and to show people that I am a leader. I am sure that my new partner Adam appreciates having this newer, braver, wiser Felicia (that is why I picked him). Roger told me today how his new "lady friend" was thanking him for being compassionate with her. She asked him simply, "why are you the way you are?" He reflected and said, "it was something that Felicia taught me."
The gift I was given by him today was hearing him tell me that I taught him to be kinder to people. He thought I made him a better person and more compassionate. It fills me with such love and joy to hear this. It makes my heart swell. I am proud and humbled to know that I affected him this way.
Neither one of us created things in each other that weren't already there. We just encouraged them to come up to the surface and manifest in a real way. Now our current partners get the benefit of our previously forged relationship wisdom. As it should be. We do better when we learn and grow and apply our experience to present circumstances. We give more when we don't fear. We receive more when we don't expect. Not that we shouldn't have clear goals and standards in mind. But we are allowing all of our good stuff to come through without complicated filters or defensive postures. We are moving forward with ourselves for ourselves in a new life not forgetting or ignoring the past but embracing it.
I ended a long term relationship with one of the best men I have ever known (honest, true to his word, hard working, thoughtful). It was difficult to say the least and there were times I thought I was making a horrible mistake and ruining my life. As we worked through the process of "breaking up" we talked a lot about our feelings. We processed a lot of our relationship history and our mutual failings and successes (there had to be many of those since we were together 16 years).
Saying goodbye and coping with the loss of this person and the ending of our relationship was very difficult. There were/are many times I miss him. I miss his company. Sharing every day occurrences with him. But, I don't miss the relationship. Which to me is telling and informs and confirms for me that I made the right decision.
We both have new relationships now with good people. People who are likely more similar to ourselves then to our previous partners. We both carry through to our new relationships what we learned being with each other. Roger taught me how to be brave, to speak my mind, to not be afraid of conflict, and to show people that I am a leader. I am sure that my new partner Adam appreciates having this newer, braver, wiser Felicia (that is why I picked him). Roger told me today how his new "lady friend" was thanking him for being compassionate with her. She asked him simply, "why are you the way you are?" He reflected and said, "it was something that Felicia taught me."
The gift I was given by him today was hearing him tell me that I taught him to be kinder to people. He thought I made him a better person and more compassionate. It fills me with such love and joy to hear this. It makes my heart swell. I am proud and humbled to know that I affected him this way.
Neither one of us created things in each other that weren't already there. We just encouraged them to come up to the surface and manifest in a real way. Now our current partners get the benefit of our previously forged relationship wisdom. As it should be. We do better when we learn and grow and apply our experience to present circumstances. We give more when we don't fear. We receive more when we don't expect. Not that we shouldn't have clear goals and standards in mind. But we are allowing all of our good stuff to come through without complicated filters or defensive postures. We are moving forward with ourselves for ourselves in a new life not forgetting or ignoring the past but embracing it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Fly away...be free
I am thinking about butterflies and transformation. I am in the beginnings of a new phase of my life. It is exciting and scary and sometimes I wonder if I deserve all this attention and happiness. Then I find the answer. It comes loud and strong from within like my own heartbeat. I hear and feel the words.
Now in my life, I feel re-awakened after my long-fat-sleep. I am in love with the "newness" of things. There is excitement and chemistry and comfort and pleasure.
I think about how the people in my life have changed. What I need and want in my relationships is always evolving. I think that now I can appreciate who i am and where i am going I hope that the I have drawn and welcomed people in my life who can the see the light that shines through as the essence of me.
I wonder why now, what purpose, what lesson is here for me...I am happy to discover these in the days to come...
To A Monarch Butterfly (Homero Aridjis)
You who go through the day
like a winged tiger
burning as you fly
tell me what supernatural life
is painted on your wings
so that after this life
I may see you in my night
Now in my life, I feel re-awakened after my long-fat-sleep. I am in love with the "newness" of things. There is excitement and chemistry and comfort and pleasure.
I think about how the people in my life have changed. What I need and want in my relationships is always evolving. I think that now I can appreciate who i am and where i am going I hope that the I have drawn and welcomed people in my life who can the see the light that shines through as the essence of me.
I wonder why now, what purpose, what lesson is here for me...I am happy to discover these in the days to come...
To A Monarch Butterfly (Homero Aridjis)
You who go through the day
like a winged tiger
burning as you fly
tell me what supernatural life
is painted on your wings
so that after this life
I may see you in my night
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Believing
Trust, faith, blindness, tunnel vision, love, acceptance, gut checks....
Believing in someone else is trusting your instincts. Trusting what you know to be true. Being on the same page. Feeling your feelings and doing the dance. Connecting the dots between your mind and your heart. Allowing things to happen rather than trying to make them happen. Being open to all possibilities and making decision based on information and not fear. Listening with all your senses and knowing that your mind can lie to you sometimes. Finding answers in your dreams. Seeing yourself in other people.
Being nothing more than a soft leaf floating along the river. There is no right or wrong.
Believing in someone else is trusting your instincts. Trusting what you know to be true. Being on the same page. Feeling your feelings and doing the dance. Connecting the dots between your mind and your heart. Allowing things to happen rather than trying to make them happen. Being open to all possibilities and making decision based on information and not fear. Listening with all your senses and knowing that your mind can lie to you sometimes. Finding answers in your dreams. Seeing yourself in other people.
Being nothing more than a soft leaf floating along the river. There is no right or wrong.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Open Doors, Closed Doors
When one door opens another one closes. I am reminded of this as I reflect on my history, my present and my future these days.
I have gone through tremendous physical and emotional changes over the past 6 years. Every experience I have had in my life (good and bad) has made me who I am today. I am grateful for all of those lessons and people who have helped me and cared for me along the way.
With all my heart, I am grateful and proud to have been in a loving and caring relationship (although not perfect but none is) for the past 16 years with one of the most decent men I have ever met. We came together under different circumstances (he was my roommate), we stayed together under difficult circumstances (my severe weight gain and his 9 years of struggling through college) and tried to forge our own path. We are very different people but I think I learned a lot about myself from him and when I needed it I used his strength and rational insight to cope with difficult situations around me. I think he learned from me perhaps how to be kinder to people and not be so hard on himself. Even though our paths are no longer pointing in the same direction I will always love and appreciate the time we spent together.
He helped me along my journey to get where I am today. Sometimes it was not the support I expected or wanted but I understand now how hard he tried. We both made mistakes and sometimes our communication styles worked against us. Even in the dissolution of our relationship I can still appreciate his support and love and admire his strength. I see his efforts to love me when I felt unlovable as pure. I can understand why we stayed together as long as we did because we needed to. We both derived comfort and found a home in the stability of our union or at least the need to keep that connection. At times we were both unhappy but tried to connect to the foundation of what kept us together. Our humor, common interests, ability to admire and sometimes even appreciate our differences, and our genuine care and concern for each other.
In our separation I can see him struggle now through his pain, anger, and hurt to try to be supportive of me and my new path. It is difficult as I struggle to balance my sense of freedom and find my own happiness. I realize how much I value and love all the positive contributions (even if I didn't see them or appreciate them at the time because they didn't look or feel like I needed them to) he gave to me and the relationship. We may never be a couple again but I feel so very lucky to have shared my life with him for so many years. I struggle now to envision a new life that he may or may not be a part of. Our relationship and connection brought me to this place and I am a different, changed, and humbled person because of it. For this I will always be grateful.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Who am I?
I am a survivor. Not merely a survivor but also I have a will to thrive and succeed. I am so much stronger in the broken places. I finally understand this about myself.
I survived a difficult childhood with parents who were ill-equipped but did the best they knew how. I was 2 and knew that my parents needed someone to take care of them and I took on that role. I worried for them and tried my best to be the best child they could ever have. Smart, good in school, athletic, pretty, well spoken, and never step out of line. I worked so hard to not make any mistakes and be perfect all the time. I did everything they ever asked of me and more just to make them happy and ease their pain. It was never enough. I protected my brother from their screaming matches by getting him out of bed and shoving him under my bed and holding him until he stopped crying. But who took care of me? I did. I didn't cry or whine. I stepped up. Some iron clad thing inside me stepped up. Some warrior spirit. I was a child. How did I already have this mettle?
I survived molestation by a trusted friend and neighbor when I was very young, before I even went to school. I went home each and every time afterwards with a brave face on and pretended I was okay until the next day went I was sent back to his house to be his "little helper". Until one day it stopped when I was in second grade. It stopped because he put his hunting rifle into his mouth and blew his own head off.
As an adult, I survived bad relationships with men who used and abused my trust, my body, my spirit, and my wallet. Who slept with my friends and destroyed my ego (because I didn't know how to protect myself). Men who didn't deserve to have me in their lives. Who didn't value me as a person but only perhaps what I looked like standing next to them. But that is how I always valued myself as well. Was I pretty enough to be with them?
I survived rape. I was raped by someone I trusted and who was my mentor. I escaped the experience not by leaving the room but left my body and passed up and outside myself during the rape to separate from the violence to survive until it was over. I remember looking at the light on the ceiling and looking down at myself and I realized I have this tremendous power to separate because I wanted to survive. When it was over the man who raped me thought we would continue our "relationship" because it was such a "good time". Now I can think back and admire the courage it took to be myself in that moment.
Throughout all these events in my life -- I never felt sorry for myself as much as I blamed myself for the things that were happening to me. At the time I thought that I must have caused them in someway. I must be inherently bad or damaged to bring these things on myself. If I just tried harder, succeeded more, did better in school, proved to those around me I have things to offer then I would have value.
So how did I cope? I learned very early on I liked food, maybe even loved it. Loved the anticipation of it, the feeling of it, the smell of it. I did what any good addict does with pain, I found my drug of choice and used it to be as disconnected as possible. I am addicted to food. I used it to insulate myself from hurt and rejection, from bad memories, anger, and very ugly feelings about myself and the people who hurt me. I could have chosen drugs or alcohol but instead I chose food. Or maybe food chose me. It was always there. Always a siren song. Forbidden food. Dangerous food. Secret food. I am so thankful now it was food and not alcohol or drugs.
I always liked my food in secret. Stashing away more than I could possibly eat. Eating in secret until I was sick. Hiding the evidence and the shame. Getting fatter and fatter until no one could possibly harm me or want anything from me. I spent most of my life worrying about how I looked and there was a lot of relief as much as guilt and shame when I went from size 12, 155lbs to size 22, 300lbs in less than 10 yrs. I felt relief from the pressure of men looking at me and wanting me (including my own significant other) to a real place of isolation. The fat and food were really good friends, lovers, and companions. The fat was a physical barrier and buffer from the outside world but also very isolating. I was lonely. I was drowning. I was suffering. I was still in pain. Plus if I was striving to be perfect then being fat didn't accomplish that.
When I stepped into therapy for the first time, I was so deeply in pain and drowning in my own body that I could only make a gesture to describe my situation when the therapist asked me "what brought you here today?" I used my hands and put them up to below my eyes and gestured "i am drowning" and just sobbed for an hour. All my fancy education and words and I had been reduced to gestures and sobbing. Who would take care of me if I broke down? If I fell apart who would put me back together? I had people who depended on me I couldn't ask or need any help?
But, what I finally realized after many years of therapy and group therapy and nutritionists and physical therapists and doctors and finally gastric bypass surgery is that I am so much more than my physical body or my collection of experiences. I am stronger in those broken places. I am me. Beautiful inside and out. Valued intrinsically just for being in this moment in time. Not for doing or what I look like. Just still and real. My mind and my heart -- what I carry on the inside that is where my value lies. I am a strong force to be reckon with. I have a hurricane inside me of potential. My energy is strong. People are drawn to me. I have choices. My history, my future, my outlook...I own them now. My possibilities are endless. I am the torch and the promise. I am the butterfly. I have my wings. I am ready to fly. Which direction will it be today. There is no right answer.
I survived a difficult childhood with parents who were ill-equipped but did the best they knew how. I was 2 and knew that my parents needed someone to take care of them and I took on that role. I worried for them and tried my best to be the best child they could ever have. Smart, good in school, athletic, pretty, well spoken, and never step out of line. I worked so hard to not make any mistakes and be perfect all the time. I did everything they ever asked of me and more just to make them happy and ease their pain. It was never enough. I protected my brother from their screaming matches by getting him out of bed and shoving him under my bed and holding him until he stopped crying. But who took care of me? I did. I didn't cry or whine. I stepped up. Some iron clad thing inside me stepped up. Some warrior spirit. I was a child. How did I already have this mettle?
I survived molestation by a trusted friend and neighbor when I was very young, before I even went to school. I went home each and every time afterwards with a brave face on and pretended I was okay until the next day went I was sent back to his house to be his "little helper". Until one day it stopped when I was in second grade. It stopped because he put his hunting rifle into his mouth and blew his own head off.
As an adult, I survived bad relationships with men who used and abused my trust, my body, my spirit, and my wallet. Who slept with my friends and destroyed my ego (because I didn't know how to protect myself). Men who didn't deserve to have me in their lives. Who didn't value me as a person but only perhaps what I looked like standing next to them. But that is how I always valued myself as well. Was I pretty enough to be with them?
I survived rape. I was raped by someone I trusted and who was my mentor. I escaped the experience not by leaving the room but left my body and passed up and outside myself during the rape to separate from the violence to survive until it was over. I remember looking at the light on the ceiling and looking down at myself and I realized I have this tremendous power to separate because I wanted to survive. When it was over the man who raped me thought we would continue our "relationship" because it was such a "good time". Now I can think back and admire the courage it took to be myself in that moment.
Throughout all these events in my life -- I never felt sorry for myself as much as I blamed myself for the things that were happening to me. At the time I thought that I must have caused them in someway. I must be inherently bad or damaged to bring these things on myself. If I just tried harder, succeeded more, did better in school, proved to those around me I have things to offer then I would have value.
So how did I cope? I learned very early on I liked food, maybe even loved it. Loved the anticipation of it, the feeling of it, the smell of it. I did what any good addict does with pain, I found my drug of choice and used it to be as disconnected as possible. I am addicted to food. I used it to insulate myself from hurt and rejection, from bad memories, anger, and very ugly feelings about myself and the people who hurt me. I could have chosen drugs or alcohol but instead I chose food. Or maybe food chose me. It was always there. Always a siren song. Forbidden food. Dangerous food. Secret food. I am so thankful now it was food and not alcohol or drugs.
I always liked my food in secret. Stashing away more than I could possibly eat. Eating in secret until I was sick. Hiding the evidence and the shame. Getting fatter and fatter until no one could possibly harm me or want anything from me. I spent most of my life worrying about how I looked and there was a lot of relief as much as guilt and shame when I went from size 12, 155lbs to size 22, 300lbs in less than 10 yrs. I felt relief from the pressure of men looking at me and wanting me (including my own significant other) to a real place of isolation. The fat and food were really good friends, lovers, and companions. The fat was a physical barrier and buffer from the outside world but also very isolating. I was lonely. I was drowning. I was suffering. I was still in pain. Plus if I was striving to be perfect then being fat didn't accomplish that.
When I stepped into therapy for the first time, I was so deeply in pain and drowning in my own body that I could only make a gesture to describe my situation when the therapist asked me "what brought you here today?" I used my hands and put them up to below my eyes and gestured "i am drowning" and just sobbed for an hour. All my fancy education and words and I had been reduced to gestures and sobbing. Who would take care of me if I broke down? If I fell apart who would put me back together? I had people who depended on me I couldn't ask or need any help?
But, what I finally realized after many years of therapy and group therapy and nutritionists and physical therapists and doctors and finally gastric bypass surgery is that I am so much more than my physical body or my collection of experiences. I am stronger in those broken places. I am me. Beautiful inside and out. Valued intrinsically just for being in this moment in time. Not for doing or what I look like. Just still and real. My mind and my heart -- what I carry on the inside that is where my value lies. I am a strong force to be reckon with. I have a hurricane inside me of potential. My energy is strong. People are drawn to me. I have choices. My history, my future, my outlook...I own them now. My possibilities are endless. I am the torch and the promise. I am the butterfly. I have my wings. I am ready to fly. Which direction will it be today. There is no right answer.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Dreams Bouliabasse
Whenever, I am struggling with things I look to my dreams to inform me. I have had some really vivid ones recently. Here is my Hodge-podge of some of my dreams.
UBER-SPORTS
I was staying at this crowed resort type place. There were hills and mountains all around. It was very green and verdant. There was mountain biking and the housing was pretty split level dark wooden condos. I was in the midst of a crowd of people filled with some familiar faces and some unfamiliar. My group was waiting to join one of the color-clad, fully decked out super jacked sports teams playing on the field. One team in particular was wearing this deep blue color. Like the color of water. There was a human pyramid and one team of 10 or more was pelting a single player with a water cannon.
There were large screens that projected the activity for people to watch on the outskirts of the game.
I remember thinking that this was a much younger crowd than I am used to and that all this "sports stuff" seemed overly steroidal and sort of militant. I was not looking forward to joining the super-soaker team.
Green Cigarettes and the White Haired-Lady
I while ago, I had a dream I was wandering through a friend's apartment and this little white haired lady was following me and putting out these little green cigarettes I was leaving behind. She didn't say anything to me. Just would pick up my cigarettes and unwrap them. I felt like she was looking for something inside the green sticks.
As I explored the apartment I went out a back door and down a staircase that lead to a really elaborate water park with slides and overhangs and lots of families and people. I was standing on this bridge in the water up to my ankles talking to my friend. There was a huge crowd of people behind him that were his family.
Tigers
I had a dream about a post-apocalyptic world. I was driving around in the mess and there were wild animals loose all over the place. Trash everywhere and hundreds of dirty people wandering. I ended up in a school/shelter with other people and there were a pair of tigers that had escaped from the zoo. People were standing around dumb staring at them. I told them to back up and give the animals room.
I ripped open a box of meat and starting hurling it down the hall at the tigers. One male and one female. They took the meat and dragged it to the corner and began eating. Then the room cleared and it was just me and the tigers. There was no fear. Just me feeding them. I was calm. They were calm. They just watched me and I watched them. The world got quiet. It was shared control and calm. I was at peace.
A Car Ride
The last dream I had before I awoke was a really vivid one. It was so disturbing and visceral that my stomach and heart still ache thinking about it.
In my dream I was riding in the back seat of the car and beside me was my friend Karen. Her door opened as the car was moving and she fell out backwards and smacked her head on the pavement and ended up on the curb. I remember the look of pain and surprise that was on her face as her head hit the road. I watched the back of her head come off in one bloody piece.
I jumped out of the car and instructed whoever I was with to call 911 and ran towards her. As I was running towards her I kept saying to myself, "I can't handle this. I am going to be sick. This is too much. I don't want to see it."
But, I didn't turn away. I reacted and didn't hesitate and went to her even though I wanted to be sick. I dragged her from the pavement to the grass on the side of the road. As I cradled her body and her half bloody head I kept telling her she would be alright. I looked down at her and realized I was holding myself.
UBER-SPORTS
I was staying at this crowed resort type place. There were hills and mountains all around. It was very green and verdant. There was mountain biking and the housing was pretty split level dark wooden condos. I was in the midst of a crowd of people filled with some familiar faces and some unfamiliar. My group was waiting to join one of the color-clad, fully decked out super jacked sports teams playing on the field. One team in particular was wearing this deep blue color. Like the color of water. There was a human pyramid and one team of 10 or more was pelting a single player with a water cannon.
There were large screens that projected the activity for people to watch on the outskirts of the game.
I remember thinking that this was a much younger crowd than I am used to and that all this "sports stuff" seemed overly steroidal and sort of militant. I was not looking forward to joining the super-soaker team.
Green Cigarettes and the White Haired-Lady
I while ago, I had a dream I was wandering through a friend's apartment and this little white haired lady was following me and putting out these little green cigarettes I was leaving behind. She didn't say anything to me. Just would pick up my cigarettes and unwrap them. I felt like she was looking for something inside the green sticks.
As I explored the apartment I went out a back door and down a staircase that lead to a really elaborate water park with slides and overhangs and lots of families and people. I was standing on this bridge in the water up to my ankles talking to my friend. There was a huge crowd of people behind him that were his family.
Tigers
I had a dream about a post-apocalyptic world. I was driving around in the mess and there were wild animals loose all over the place. Trash everywhere and hundreds of dirty people wandering. I ended up in a school/shelter with other people and there were a pair of tigers that had escaped from the zoo. People were standing around dumb staring at them. I told them to back up and give the animals room.
I ripped open a box of meat and starting hurling it down the hall at the tigers. One male and one female. They took the meat and dragged it to the corner and began eating. Then the room cleared and it was just me and the tigers. There was no fear. Just me feeding them. I was calm. They were calm. They just watched me and I watched them. The world got quiet. It was shared control and calm. I was at peace.
A Car Ride
The last dream I had before I awoke was a really vivid one. It was so disturbing and visceral that my stomach and heart still ache thinking about it.
In my dream I was riding in the back seat of the car and beside me was my friend Karen. Her door opened as the car was moving and she fell out backwards and smacked her head on the pavement and ended up on the curb. I remember the look of pain and surprise that was on her face as her head hit the road. I watched the back of her head come off in one bloody piece.
I jumped out of the car and instructed whoever I was with to call 911 and ran towards her. As I was running towards her I kept saying to myself, "I can't handle this. I am going to be sick. This is too much. I don't want to see it."
But, I didn't turn away. I reacted and didn't hesitate and went to her even though I wanted to be sick. I dragged her from the pavement to the grass on the side of the road. As I cradled her body and her half bloody head I kept telling her she would be alright. I looked down at her and realized I was holding myself.
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