As a coach and as a human being I am so imperfect. I know my teachers would say "you are always a student" and I am uniquely perfect in my imperfection. Somehow right now in this moment it only mildly comforts me. I struggle with my rush to have everything all figured out and at the same time I know that it is the process and the ruminating and the questions that make life worth the living.
As a student and a woman I am struggling with feeling "good enough." I worry sometimes that I am not good enough coach to coach my clients because I am still working on my food and image issues. As a student I know this is the nature of learning. I am also working and in my process of "becoming." But, I think "when do I get to be the fully developed butterfly?"
Over the past year and a half, I have changed a tremendous amount physically and mentally. I know intellectually that I look and feel fantastic. In the best shape of my life. Strong and centered. I feel on solid ground within myself. I live more in the center of my being than I have at any other time in my life. I have a sense of peace but still a sense of longing.
I continue to struggle with issues of image. I know I look and feel amazing. Some how I keep wanting and looking for outside validation of my current condition. I feel vulnerable even admitting that I want to be complimented, ogled, gossiped about, pursued, wooed, etc. For men to fall at my feet in adoration. (I know keep dreaming). That over the top sort of thing that happens in movies when the beautiful woman walks down the street. There is a conscious part of my mind that is looking at this immature 13 yr old inside saying "What the hell are you thinking? That is so superficial and not necessary." At the same time I wonder why I judge these feelings? All these questions swirl around my head. Why now? Where do these feelings come from? I have constant conversations with myself and sometimes arguments.
Everyone wants to feel loved and adored. Why as women do we place such a high value on what others can give us. Do they validate our sense of importance? Somehow a slight look or glance from our spouse or a stranger can depress us or elate us. Why do I place more value on how others see me than what I think of myself? I know this is a trap and a hole that never gets filled from the outside. So I dig even deeper within myself and look for that validation.
My friend/life coach always reminds me that people come into our lives to teach us lessons about ourselves. My clients teach me those lessons. They remind me to take time to honor where I am right now in this moment (even if it is unsure and in need of validation). My clients are my teachers. They teach me we are always in process. My teachers remind me that to be the butterfly is not the end/goal. After the butterfly emerges from the pod it only lives a short lifetime before dying. So, I must concentrate on the process of becoming. Transformation is long and hard and painful. Beauty is fleeting. Validation can only come from within.
