A tribute to my women's group

List of Tunes for the Group

All of these songs mean something to me, sometimes reminding me of myself or of someone in the group. They are sad, inspiration, hopeful, brave, personal, take risks, and express deep longing for something better. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. -Felicia

For Beth & Donna
“Me” – Paula Cole
The album that this song comes from is called “This Fire” which is all about that fire that burns deep within us and that keeps us driving forward for more. More fun, more love, more personal fulfillment, and even sometimes more work. Sometimes I think I was so anxious to move forward and “fix” a problem that I was unwilling to let myself just reflect or think. For us “high achievers” we cherish the thing that propels us forwards and keeps us productive. It is also sometimes the thing that breaks us down and doesn’t let us take care of ourselves. I am constantly reminded to cherish my “down time” and respect myself enough to allow myself a break or a much needed pat on the back. I wish for you the ability to fail and not feel like a failure. Thank you both for your strength and for the beautiful example you both show me of determination. I wish for you more self compassion and kindness so you can take your lives where you want them to be, claim your fear and expose the joy.

“Nothing is Good Enough” – Aimee Mann
Aimee Mann has one of those not so perfect voices that is both soulful and lovely. This song reminds me of my own inner “critic”. Sometimes she is a little too loud (usually because I am trying to ignore her). I think the song illustrates how we all suffer under the weight of our own criticism (which is usually worse than someone else’s). Ultimately the answer to this question is YES sometimes it is good enough.

“Al Otro Lado del Rio” – From the Motorcycle Diaries Soundtrack
So, this is a song from the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies. It is about Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (who was a central American revolutionary that believed that communism would save his country) and his journey from a medical student to ultimately the leader of a revolution. He takes a motorcycle trip with a friend to see the country (I think Argentina). He is relatively middle class and for the first time in his life experiences how other people live. He goes to work in a leper colony and is deeply moved by the people. One night on his birthday he swims across a river (even though he has asthma) because he wants to spend his time with the lepers. The song is called “The Other side of the River” and it is obviously a metaphor for how we close ourselves off to each other and ourselves. In the song he sings “I see a light on the other side of the river” and it is that epiphany we all have when it occurs to us to step outside our comfort areas. Each and every one of you does that to various degrees every time you come to group. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

For Alison
“All You Need is Love” – The Beatles
Okay, sounds corny I know but having lost a large source of the greatest love, warmth, compassion and your compass in the world (in your Mom) I feel like you need more love. You, my friend give it out to others (especially in the group) ten fold. You have such warmth and compassion for everyone including me in the group. You are the official cheerleader. You are the first one to step up and offer support or try to relate to someone else. I wish for you more self love. For me the answer was love – self love. Perhaps that will help you as well. I wish for you an ease in your burden of grief, that you share that pain and loss with the group and in the process receive what you so willingly give to others.

For Anne
“Pavement Cracks” – Annie Lennox
Annie Lennox created this fantastic album called “Bare”. On the cover she has little or no makeup and is naked. The songs on this album are personal and I think she bares her soul. I love how personal they are. It reminds me of how honest and true you are Anne. I looked to you in group a lot to lead me the way and take the chances with your emotions. I have learned so much from the chances you have taken in group. “Love don’t show up in the pavement cracks. All my watercolors fade to black. I am going nowhere and I’m ten steps back. All my dreams are falling fast.” Okay, that sounds depressing but believe me it is not.

For Kristina
“Blackbird” – The Beatles
Beautiful. Hopeful. Seize the moment and fly. I love this song. It is a little bitter sweet and that is how I will think of you. My wish for you is internal peace.

For Patty
“I will not be broken” – Bonnie Raitt
I play this song everyday. At least once a day. I think of it as my anthem. It gives me strength. Bonnie Raitt is so cool. I like to picture myself onstage with her signing this song. I don’t have a great signing voice but I love to sing this song. I don’t really care how bad I sound. Patty, sing it loud and proud – think of me. “Take me down, you can hold me but you can’t hold what’s within. Maybe I may bend. But, I know where I am not going. I will not be broken. I will not be someone other than who I am.” You said it Bonnie. Patty you one of the strongest people I know. You are flexible and strong and may bend but NOT break. I can’t wait to see you “kick asses and take names” and fully step into your own, famous artist and all.

“I am not my hair” – India.Arie
Okay, so it’s about black girl's hair but I relate to the idea that we are way more that our hair, our clothes, or what’s on the outside. “We are the soul that lives inside.” Who doesn’t have a picture of that doomed “Dorothy Hammill” gone wrong (oh, yeah I had that). Martha Beck believes that when you are going through some sort of life change you get your haircut. Change your hair – change your life. ‘Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?”

SONGS YOU SHOULD BUY JUST BECAUSE...

“Beautiful Flower” – India.Arie
Great song! “We are moving from the darkness into the light. This is the defining moment of our lives. Cuz you’re beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, powerful like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind, there is nothing in this world that you cannot do when you believe in you.” Go to ITUNES and buy it NOW. It costs .99 cents and the money goes to Oprah’s Leadership Academy for girls in South Africa. You are all beautiful flowers.

For Aliki
“What do you hear in these sounds?” – Dar Williams
Have you ever heard a song dedicated to a therapist? This is the first one I ever heard. I love the lyrics if you can get past Dar William’s voice which borders on annoying. “I don’t go to therapy to find out if I’m a freak” Now, I know my relationship with Aliki isn’t that neurotic. “Oh, how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk about myself”. As I said the other night, I thank you for being a “talented gardener” that tends to each of us (being a flower in different stages of blossoming). I feel the surge of love when I feel your warm rays of praise focused in my direction. Here are the lyrics….

Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent.
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent.
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something, But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...And she saysOooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?

And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????
I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your pastIts all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?

"and.......Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............
And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworksAnd I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...andOooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these......that's what I hear in these SOUU OUUUN NNNDS!

I will miss Tuesday nights! Love to you all!

New Year, New Life, New You

I had Gastric Bypass Surgery on February 13th of this year. I told only a small group of family and friends. I did not tell my parents or my brother. I made this decision because I didn't feel I would get the support I needed or deserved from them. Sometimes I feel guilty about this but mostly I feel that it was the right decision.

It's a new year and I am starting to learn to eat all over again. Everything is baby steps and in the beginging it was sometimes baby food literally. I had to learn how to be kind and forgiving to myself. Hold my own hand.

The surgery was the "easy" part. All the stuff afterwards was the hard part (and still is). Some days I feel completely on top of things....others I feel completely plowed under by them. Food is omnipresent. Sometimes I feel afraid of it. Like introducing new people into my life. I am distrusting of it. Will it make me sick? Will my new stomach like it? It is a forced process of mindfulness. I appreciate all the things that surgery has taught me about myself.

I feel like I can do anything. Before I might have known I was capable but didn't necessarily believe it. Now I believe it and feel it. Right down to my toes.

My body has changed so drastically. I knew I was in there under all that flesh or fat or cushion or what-have-you. I look back at that other Felicia and I want to give her a hug. She doesn't repulse me or disappoint me. I feel nothing but love and sympathy for her. She worked soooo hard. She was sooo sad sometimes. She thought she had to do it all herself. She was afraid to ask for help. Afraid to be weak.

Circular Logic

Who is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. What is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. Don't talk myself out of doing it. Talk to myself and work it out. Outside of my own head -- inside it is too noisy. I need to please myself and fulfill my aspirations. What are my aspirations? I am not sure. If I am not sure how can I fulfill then? If I don't know what they are then how can I find them? How can I find me?

My Life Purpose?

I think about my life purpose often. Meditate on it. Practice mindful observation. I earnestly stretch my palms out to the world and ask the universe for guidance. The response I get back, over, and over -- continuously in every shape and form -- is that my life's purpose is not written out. It is mine to create. It is mine to own. It is uniquely mine. I sigh.

I would love it to be all mapped out like a nicely written wanted ad. "Your life purpose is as a highly sucessful blabba-blah. You will be paid handsomely. You will be rewarded for your hard work and interpersonal skills. People will adore you. You will love what you do."

I am not sure if my life's work and my next job are the same thing. I think that there are probably levels into between to get there. Another big sigh.

Why can't someone pay me just to be me? Insightful, seeing things other people don't, making connections between people and concepts. Those firecracker kind of insights that come to me in a blink of an eye. Usually with the kind of humor you can't manufacture but that just comes and is funny just because you are not trying to be funny. Okay, so I can't be the "white Oprah."

I have done the visualization of what my "future workplace" looks like. I have this great office with lots of windows. Mostly glass and transparent. Lots of natural wood, calming soothing colors and tones. There were multi-generational employees. Young kids and mature adults all in the same place. Lots of natural light and plants. A central courtyard with a pond of coi fish and a beautiful japanese garden with life-size zen sand and rake area. Lots of calm but good energy. I was in charge of this place. Is it a school? A multi-generational residence community? It seems like it is a modern building. Maybe somewhere like California?

So, I admire the universe's choice for me....but also feel the burden of having to come up with something unique, that reflects me, and is multi-generational. I resist my own gifts.

Why couldn't I just be a doctor or a lawyer or something already written down? I don't feel like being an explorer today. I need a nap or to kick my own butt.

Why do bullies get promoted?

I ponder this in the workplace world often. Why do bullies get promoted?

These are the people in the workplace usually no one likes and don't play well with the other kids. They are mean, loud, cruel, and generally ill-behaved. If they were kids they would be the ones on the playground with a humpy-little-beast of a side kick and some sort of hulking persona.

Other kids stay clear and fear but not exactly respect them.

In the work place they get promoted. The "higher ups" see them as "go getters" and employees who get the job done. But, at what cost?

Another example that proves to me that workplace is just an adult version (a sometimes only mildly adult) of the playground. There is a tattle tale, a geek, a jock, a gossip, a shy kid, the popular kid, and yes of course the Bully.