How old are you?

I have been thinking a lot about age lately. The lovely women I work with in my life coaching practice sometimes seem older than they are because of the pressure and burdens they place upon themselves. The guilt they carry is as deep and wide as the number of "should's" on their lists of things to do. I know that their exhaustion is much more than a physically demanding schedule.

On the other end of the spectrum I have beautiful, wise-beyond their years, nieces who seem much older than their tender ages. They are thoughtful and funny and very wise. They can be reflective and have insights that are so unexpected from someone so young. I marvel at them.I myself feel much younger than forty and know I look at least 30 on my good days. I bought my first real expensive pair of Lucky jeans this weekend and I know I felt maybe 20 if not a "totally psyched" 16 year old. As I started at my butt, in the 3 way mirror I was thinking -- how old am I really? Is it physical or just mental or a combination of both?

If age is in part a mental state what keeps you young? I think in part it is extreme self care. Not just vigilance but healthy eating, exercise, love, companionship, and mental exercise. Clearing out the clutter and doing a brain dump of all the crap we so easily carrying around and accumulate over the years. It is noise and confusion and worry. Yoga, meditation, and exercise are activities that lend themselves to moving mental clutter. Also talking to supportive and loving friends, spouses, and colleagues can help. Therapy and life coaching can also help. Sometimes we forget we also have ourselves to rely on. I frequently have conversations with myself to try to sort things out.

How do you measure your age? I am glad not to be 20 again in terms of experience and a much improved self image. I wish however, sometimes I could go backwards in time with the same knowledge and experience I have as a 40 year old. But, that would be cheating wouldn't it? The only yearning would be to have some of that perceived sense of freedom. Somehow the world was yet undiscovered. I suppose the only limitations are the ones inside my own 40 year old head but don't tell my 20+ body it can't surf just yet.

I am NOT my thoughts

I have been reading Tolle's book "A New Earth." I love the statement "I am not my thoughts". It helps me confirm that if I am having a "limited thinking" or "black and white" kind of a day I can step outside that negative thought, observe it and let it be just a thought and NOT what defines me. I feel free and liberated when I remember this even if it is only momentarily.

I went to a book signing and lecture by my mentor, Martha Beck the other night. She is just so good at what she does. She is a like a laser beam. She focuses so sharply and eloquently on negative thinking in her new book "Steering by Starlight." I love her to death and I am an admitted and unabashed Martha Beck groupie (kind of like a dead-head but no drugs -- we get blissed out on life man!) She was talking about how it is our thoughts about our story that cause us pain. As humans we are the only animals that can create and anticipate a fear response that is actually worse that the pain we might actually encounter. Meaning what we think about a future painful event is actually worse than the pain itself.

The Dalai Lama wrote about it in his book, "Healing Anger" that we actually spend more time and energy holding onto pain than dealing with it and actually feeling it. Like we can control our fear? Who are we kidding? More like our fears are controlling us.

I understand being consumed with protecting oneself from pain. In part, I believe the weight I dragged around for so many years was a way of being insulated from pain I expected to come my way as well as holding onto hurt from my past. I thought it was a way of "protecting" myself. My pain (past and future) seemed very real and very scary. When I started to confront it -- where it came from, why I was holding onto it -- it actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was very difficult but the process of dealing with the pain for me was like immersing myself in a very hot bath tub. Easily and slowly I slid my toe in and would see how long I could stand it. Then I would put a whole foot, then my legs, then my torso and then finally the rest of my upper body -- head obviously last (ironic, yes!). For me, feeling and processing the pain of past hurts had a lot to do with negative thoughts I inherited from my family like "bad things are going to happen" and "you can't trust anyone" as well as not ever seeing anger expressed in a healthy way. So wrapped up in my tight bundle of pain was my anger protecting my fear. I was like a huge psychic hairball. I had to cough it up and expel it from my system.

I have realized that MYSELF is always changing and evolving. I am not constant from one moment to the next. This is not to stay that I am unstable or inconsistent. But instead I am fluid and responsive to my environs both inside and out. At my core, I am peaceful and flexible. I am floating in a sea of dreamy, exquisite golden light. At my core, I am all light -- no holes, no gaps. At my core, I am part of everything as much as it is me.

I am able to find this core when I meditate and when I do karate. My mind is quiet and I can see, hear, and observe in a much larger scope of vision. I am connected to myself and everything around me. And the most unusual thing happens. My mind goes quiet. My mental ticker tape stops and I am completely unaware of rapid fire thoughts or feelings. It is like a lake without any ripples. Now don't I sound zen? It doesn't happen if I think about it or force it. If I relax into it is comes to me or I drift towards it. It is definitely and easing into it sensation.

Listening to and being in touch with what my body needs or what my heart truly desires is different from being consumed with what my thoughts are at the time. Sometimes my thoughts and what I actually need at the time are at odds. My body is tired and needs sleep but my thoughts tell me "I am hungry". When I am frustrated with myself and trying to learn a new move in karate class sometimes my monkey mind jumps up and tells me "you are so stupid and too old to be in a karate class" and then "skip class and go shopping instead." I have been artfully observing these negative thoughts. I hear them, notice them and acknowledge them with a "pat on the head" and say "that's nice. I consciously begin and end my karate class thanking myself for peacefully and blissfully not listening to these thoughts about how old I am or that I should be spending money instead of trying new things. Some of these thoughts are instinctively designed to protect me from my fear of failure. This thought is my Achilles heal. For me it always comes back to this - I am not good enough and will fail.

I can't tell you how liberating it is NOT to think for any period of time. When my mind stops I feel connected to my peaceful core and I feel like I can accomplish anything. It is like floating or flying for me.

Here are just some of my internal thoughts right this second (in no order of importance):

*my blog sucks and who would want to read my own internal dialogue

*I fear judgement that I am not creative or intellect or eloquent

*does my butt look big in these pants?

*I am awesome and I kick ass!

*I am so psyched to be the age I am now and not a smoker and can climb 3 flights of stairs without being out of breath.

*where did my butt go?

*how great is my job that while I am at work I can write in my blog?

*I will get fired for writing on my blog while at work.

*The guy who sits behind me has a good phone voice.

*Probably because he smokes too many cigarettes.

*I am so glad I am not 20-something years old again.

*I can be 40 and still be cool.

*why do I care about being cool?

Thankfully, I can laugh and observe these random thoughts. Notice anything? Any trends? I think a lot about what other people think of me. When I get to observe and step outside of my thoughts, I begin to question this. Do I really care what other people think? Should I really care what other people think? I care what I think. Then I think I am NOT my thoughts.