What now?

Getting back on track after loss or having life throw you curve balls is hard. I have been reminded of this recently. I lost a mother figure in my life. I have a brand new niece. I stood up with my brother as his "best man" at his wedding - grateful witness as he starts a new life with his wife and partner of the last 8 years. I experienced all of this as if standing still in the midst of swirling storm. I was quiet. My heart breaks. Sadness wells inside of me. Pride and happiness crash at my feet. I feel myself twisting and bending but never breaking.

Sad and happy go hand and hand. Life and death are as one. Beginnings and ending are never far apart. Life is such a strange mixture of all these things at once. I suffer. I struggle to care for myself. I resist the urge to crawl into a deep, dark hole and hide.

I take my own inventory. You are too thin. I've lost too much weight. I need to stop smoking. My hair is crazy and I need a haircut. I make lists. I return to my goals. I talk to friends. I even console myself. Eat more. Get back to exercise. Find a way to return to the things that make me happy. Clean out my closet. Organize my bills. Sleep in. Cry while watching Casablanca.

So I get up in the morning and start a new day. Some will be happy. Some will be sad. In the end the thing that matters is that I am still standing. Making it better for myself. No one is coming to rescue me. I am the captain of my own ship and I am not afraid to weather the storms ahead.

What I am Wrestling with Right Now

As a coach and as a human being I am so imperfect. I know my teachers would say "you are always a student" and I am uniquely perfect in my imperfection. Somehow right now in this moment it only mildly comforts me. I struggle with my rush to have everything all figured out and at the same time I know that it is the process and the ruminating and the questions that make life worth the living.

As a student and a woman I am struggling with feeling "good enough." I worry sometimes that I am not good enough coach to coach my clients because I am still working on my food and image issues. As a student I know this is the nature of learning. I am also working and in my process of "becoming." But, I think "when do I get to be the fully developed butterfly?"

Over the past year and a half, I have changed a tremendous amount physically and mentally. I know intellectually that I look and feel fantastic. In the best shape of my life. Strong and centered. I feel on solid ground within myself. I live more in the center of my being than I have at any other time in my life. I have a sense of peace but still a sense of longing.

I continue to struggle with issues of image. I know I look and feel amazing. Some how I keep wanting and looking for outside validation of my current condition. I feel vulnerable even admitting that I want to be complimented, ogled, gossiped about, pursued, wooed, etc. For men to fall at my feet in adoration. (I know keep dreaming). That over the top sort of thing that happens in movies when the beautiful woman walks down the street. There is a conscious part of my mind that is looking at this immature 13 yr old inside saying "What the hell are you thinking? That is so superficial and not necessary." At the same time I wonder why I judge these feelings? All these questions swirl around my head. Why now? Where do these feelings come from? I have constant conversations with myself and sometimes arguments.

Everyone wants to feel loved and adored. Why as women do we place such a high value on what others can give us. Do they validate our sense of importance? Somehow a slight look or glance from our spouse or a stranger can depress us or elate us. Why do I place more value on how others see me than what I think of myself? I know this is a trap and a hole that never gets filled from the outside. So I dig even deeper within myself and look for that validation.

My friend/life coach always reminds me that people come into our lives to teach us lessons about ourselves. My clients teach me those lessons. They remind me to take time to honor where I am right now in this moment (even if it is unsure and in need of validation). My clients are my teachers. They teach me we are always in process. My teachers remind me that to be the butterfly is not the end/goal. After the butterfly emerges from the pod it only lives a short lifetime before dying. So, I must concentrate on the process of becoming. Transformation is long and hard and painful. Beauty is fleeting. Validation can only come from within.

What I Believe In

6/22/08
I reread my last blog entry about gratitude and it reminded me how much I enjoy lists. So much of what motivates me throughout the day is what I believe about the world, myself, and my life. We hold so much power over our lives. My beliefs are strong but flexible. I am not easily swayed but easily rationed with. I like to think that I update myself with new knowledge and take in what works for me and discard the rest.

I want to do a short list of things I believe in:
*very simply I believe in myself
*that my intuition never steers me wrong
*my body knows half of the equation and my mind the rest
*my thoughts lie to me sometimes
*crossing stuff off a "to do list" is most satisfying
*I am young at heart and an old soul
*I connect with people for a reason so I can work stuff out
*everyone I meet throughout the day and in my life right now has a lesson to teach me
*every negative experience is a gift (maybe unwanted but a gift the same)
*every religion has it completely wrong and completely right and cancels each other out
*anyone who tells me what I should think or feel is WRONG
*coaches, teachers, leaders and friends help me open doors and discover things about myself
*eyes are the windows to the soul (i see this in animals as well)
*love doesn't fix a relationship but helps to give you a foundation on which to build
*self-respect is as necessary as breathing
*people who are the most disrespectful have the least amount of self-respect
*"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations...I am the soul that lives within" (thanks IndiArie)
*I know when things are going to happen but not always why
*when I am meditating or in a deeply relaxed state someone holds my hand and puts their hands on my shoulders (this used to freak me out but now I understand it is meant to be comforting)
*alternative healing methods (Reiki, acupuncture, energy work, colors, Chakras, guided imagery, toning, meditation, and animal totems) work
*we always know the answers but sometimes just can't ask the questions
*learning to allow myself to make mistakes and failing has been my salvation
*I was always beautiful no matter what size my clothes were
*my spirit burns bright enough for everyone to see
*the only opinion that matters is mine
*I like people who are like me but there there is some of me in everyone
*I am a mirror
*I have lived before and will come back again maybe as a horse
*I expect the worst from my family so I won't be disappointed somtimes I am pleasantly surprised
*one of my assets is that I have been equipped with mental toughness and it pulls me thru
*If I screw up or regret something it is usually because I made a decision based on fear

We live what we believe

At the end of my work week last week I began to vent to my work colleagues about how I believed that my spouse "works too much" and as I vented about it I realized I was getting angrier and angrier about it. I worked myself up into a lather about my perceived neglect or lack of attention. Somehow deriving from his absence that there was a lack of validation or attention or dare I say it....love. Looking back on it NOW I ask myself "how did I get myself so worked up?" I know that my reaction had to do with the story that I was telling myself.

The story I was telling myself is that ...."if he loved me he would pay more attention to me." "If he loved me I would see him more often and wouldn't feel so neglected. " If he paid more attention to me then I wouldn't be seeking attention so desperately." Seems reasonable?

We have been together for 15 years and he is definitely inconsistent with his attention but I know he loves me. There is no question of this. We are committed with or without the piece of paper that makes it official. I feel and I know it. He confirms this for me as well. So why, did I get myself worked up about how much attention I needed to feel loved and whether he is around to bestow this attention on me? What was I telling myself? I think I was telling myself I needed this validation. Now I am asking myself why did I need it? What else was going on? What part of me really needed this validation? Was it wrong or insecure of me to want it?

I am pretty independent and self sufficient. I don't generally feel needy or worry about how much attention I receive on any given day. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was more consistent with his treatment of me but in no way do I wish that he was attached at my hip or calling me numerous times a day.

I work with clients and advise friends and truly belief myself what I need on any given day is what I am able to give myself. So, why was I left last Friday believing I was lacking something?

To help me investigate what was going on I turned to my intuition cards. Dr. Christiane Northrup has this beautiful series of Intuition cards that I used to divine what else was going on within me. In a simplistic way they are like tarot but in a much deeper way they are used to tap into your own intuition. There are no wrong answers. Using these cards helped me to clear away the mental clutter. When I was using these cards what kept coming up for me is the issue of self-care and self-nuturance. These are old and very familiar issues that I continue to struggle with. Most days I am vigilant but others I get subtle messages from my body and my mind that I am in need of more attention. How and what messages I feed myself are as important as what I feed my body. The two things are very connected. I am getting better at listening.

Although I have been vigilant about my physical self-care I was beginning to be too attached to things outside myself and spending too much time in my own head thinking about my own value (as attached to the size of my jeans, the color of my hair, how old I look on any given day). Of course, this all started to make sense to me this week when I was reading Chapter 2 in Echkart Tolle's book the New Earth. He was writing bout how the ego attaches itself to outside objects which create pain and loss. There is no judgement in this. Not good or bad. It is what the ego does. It all clicked for me. Brick in the forehead yet again. So I will enjoy my new size 10 jeans and my new big green purse but not let them define me. Their value is external and does not and cannot reflect my own internal worth. Actually there is nothing outside myself that can reflect my own worth. It is infinite.

I started to ask myself what others stories am I telling myself. A lot of my stories have to do with attention these days. Am I worthy of the attention that I seek? Will it will come without me asking for it? Why am I worrying about these things? I realized I needed to step back into myself and figure this out a bit. Release the expectations and find my inner core of peace. That meant for me getting back to meditation and journaling and calling my coach for coaching (thanks Ginny for sorting out my head stuff with me).

Just like any good Monday morning quarterback I fully recognize that I am most attractive when I am fully present and myself. Not when I am trying to be someone.....not quite someone else but something other than truly me. Not defined by the jeans, or the hair or the outward stuff. That is just pretty window dressing. Sometimes after yoga class I can look at myself in the mirror and my hair is a mess and I have stinky grubby yoga clothes on...I can actually see myself. Those ruddy checks, clear eyes, and a slight smile on my face and think...."yeah, that's me." I look like me. I feel like me. That is me in the zone. If I close my eyes and see myself in my mind's eye is that what I really look like? Is that really who I am? Maybe who I am has nothing to do with what I look like?

So why did I feed myself this "I am neglected story?" I am not sure. Perhaps I wasn't asserting my needs clearly enough. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention to my inner self. What I realized this week is that I need to continually ask myself who the real me is and take my stand and step into the light and realize my power. Not judge but observe and reconnect to me without all the window dressing.

How old are you?

I have been thinking a lot about age lately. The lovely women I work with in my life coaching practice sometimes seem older than they are because of the pressure and burdens they place upon themselves. The guilt they carry is as deep and wide as the number of "should's" on their lists of things to do. I know that their exhaustion is much more than a physically demanding schedule.

On the other end of the spectrum I have beautiful, wise-beyond their years, nieces who seem much older than their tender ages. They are thoughtful and funny and very wise. They can be reflective and have insights that are so unexpected from someone so young. I marvel at them.I myself feel much younger than forty and know I look at least 30 on my good days. I bought my first real expensive pair of Lucky jeans this weekend and I know I felt maybe 20 if not a "totally psyched" 16 year old. As I started at my butt, in the 3 way mirror I was thinking -- how old am I really? Is it physical or just mental or a combination of both?

If age is in part a mental state what keeps you young? I think in part it is extreme self care. Not just vigilance but healthy eating, exercise, love, companionship, and mental exercise. Clearing out the clutter and doing a brain dump of all the crap we so easily carrying around and accumulate over the years. It is noise and confusion and worry. Yoga, meditation, and exercise are activities that lend themselves to moving mental clutter. Also talking to supportive and loving friends, spouses, and colleagues can help. Therapy and life coaching can also help. Sometimes we forget we also have ourselves to rely on. I frequently have conversations with myself to try to sort things out.

How do you measure your age? I am glad not to be 20 again in terms of experience and a much improved self image. I wish however, sometimes I could go backwards in time with the same knowledge and experience I have as a 40 year old. But, that would be cheating wouldn't it? The only yearning would be to have some of that perceived sense of freedom. Somehow the world was yet undiscovered. I suppose the only limitations are the ones inside my own 40 year old head but don't tell my 20+ body it can't surf just yet.

I am NOT my thoughts

I have been reading Tolle's book "A New Earth." I love the statement "I am not my thoughts". It helps me confirm that if I am having a "limited thinking" or "black and white" kind of a day I can step outside that negative thought, observe it and let it be just a thought and NOT what defines me. I feel free and liberated when I remember this even if it is only momentarily.

I went to a book signing and lecture by my mentor, Martha Beck the other night. She is just so good at what she does. She is a like a laser beam. She focuses so sharply and eloquently on negative thinking in her new book "Steering by Starlight." I love her to death and I am an admitted and unabashed Martha Beck groupie (kind of like a dead-head but no drugs -- we get blissed out on life man!) She was talking about how it is our thoughts about our story that cause us pain. As humans we are the only animals that can create and anticipate a fear response that is actually worse that the pain we might actually encounter. Meaning what we think about a future painful event is actually worse than the pain itself.

The Dalai Lama wrote about it in his book, "Healing Anger" that we actually spend more time and energy holding onto pain than dealing with it and actually feeling it. Like we can control our fear? Who are we kidding? More like our fears are controlling us.

I understand being consumed with protecting oneself from pain. In part, I believe the weight I dragged around for so many years was a way of being insulated from pain I expected to come my way as well as holding onto hurt from my past. I thought it was a way of "protecting" myself. My pain (past and future) seemed very real and very scary. When I started to confront it -- where it came from, why I was holding onto it -- it actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was very difficult but the process of dealing with the pain for me was like immersing myself in a very hot bath tub. Easily and slowly I slid my toe in and would see how long I could stand it. Then I would put a whole foot, then my legs, then my torso and then finally the rest of my upper body -- head obviously last (ironic, yes!). For me, feeling and processing the pain of past hurts had a lot to do with negative thoughts I inherited from my family like "bad things are going to happen" and "you can't trust anyone" as well as not ever seeing anger expressed in a healthy way. So wrapped up in my tight bundle of pain was my anger protecting my fear. I was like a huge psychic hairball. I had to cough it up and expel it from my system.

I have realized that MYSELF is always changing and evolving. I am not constant from one moment to the next. This is not to stay that I am unstable or inconsistent. But instead I am fluid and responsive to my environs both inside and out. At my core, I am peaceful and flexible. I am floating in a sea of dreamy, exquisite golden light. At my core, I am all light -- no holes, no gaps. At my core, I am part of everything as much as it is me.

I am able to find this core when I meditate and when I do karate. My mind is quiet and I can see, hear, and observe in a much larger scope of vision. I am connected to myself and everything around me. And the most unusual thing happens. My mind goes quiet. My mental ticker tape stops and I am completely unaware of rapid fire thoughts or feelings. It is like a lake without any ripples. Now don't I sound zen? It doesn't happen if I think about it or force it. If I relax into it is comes to me or I drift towards it. It is definitely and easing into it sensation.

Listening to and being in touch with what my body needs or what my heart truly desires is different from being consumed with what my thoughts are at the time. Sometimes my thoughts and what I actually need at the time are at odds. My body is tired and needs sleep but my thoughts tell me "I am hungry". When I am frustrated with myself and trying to learn a new move in karate class sometimes my monkey mind jumps up and tells me "you are so stupid and too old to be in a karate class" and then "skip class and go shopping instead." I have been artfully observing these negative thoughts. I hear them, notice them and acknowledge them with a "pat on the head" and say "that's nice. I consciously begin and end my karate class thanking myself for peacefully and blissfully not listening to these thoughts about how old I am or that I should be spending money instead of trying new things. Some of these thoughts are instinctively designed to protect me from my fear of failure. This thought is my Achilles heal. For me it always comes back to this - I am not good enough and will fail.

I can't tell you how liberating it is NOT to think for any period of time. When my mind stops I feel connected to my peaceful core and I feel like I can accomplish anything. It is like floating or flying for me.

Here are just some of my internal thoughts right this second (in no order of importance):

*my blog sucks and who would want to read my own internal dialogue

*I fear judgement that I am not creative or intellect or eloquent

*does my butt look big in these pants?

*I am awesome and I kick ass!

*I am so psyched to be the age I am now and not a smoker and can climb 3 flights of stairs without being out of breath.

*where did my butt go?

*how great is my job that while I am at work I can write in my blog?

*I will get fired for writing on my blog while at work.

*The guy who sits behind me has a good phone voice.

*Probably because he smokes too many cigarettes.

*I am so glad I am not 20-something years old again.

*I can be 40 and still be cool.

*why do I care about being cool?

Thankfully, I can laugh and observe these random thoughts. Notice anything? Any trends? I think a lot about what other people think of me. When I get to observe and step outside of my thoughts, I begin to question this. Do I really care what other people think? Should I really care what other people think? I care what I think. Then I think I am NOT my thoughts.

Not everyone gets a seat at the table

I have observed and want to comment on what seems like a lovely and altruistic idea that I have seen with both family and friends. They hold this notion out like a great candle and invite all to see. The idea is this "there is always room for one more at the table." I find this is greatly flawed because you do not actively and selectively screen who you allow at the table with you. If everyone holds equal weight in your life how do you determine who gets your time? If everyone holds equal weight then someone you just met (and may not have your best intentions at heart) can get as close to you as your best friend? Does that seem right to you? It definately doesn't work for me.

Friends and boyfriends cannot be created like sea-monkeys -- just add a little water and bingo insta-buddy. It takes time to know and grow any kind of relationship. I think some of these folks have broken filters. They let in too many and too much -- without discriminating.

People -- family, friends, especially boyfriends, -- either bring light,laughter, and love into your life or they DRAIN YOU OF YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY.

When you allow everyone to have equal weight in your life you give away a precious commodity (your time and energy and your specialness). That may sound cheesy but it is a lesson I have learned and know to be true.

It is not selfish to think of your time and your life as being precious and look only to associate, befriend or date people who lift you up and who work hard to love you the way you need it.

Anyone (even in jest) who would speak to in a degrading way is not someone worth your time. As my spouse says, "Dump their ass! Kick them to the curb!"

I try really hard to find and allow people in my life who have qualities I admire or aspire to. My spouse is one of them. He is honest, forthright, and always the first one to apologize when he is wrong (even more so than me). He thinks of me first and I always like and admire the qualities he has. He has never told me to "shut up" or called me a 'bitch" or ever, ever spoke to me in any other way other than respectful. I can't always say that I have done the same. It doesn't mean he is perfect but instead we have a equal partnership.

I wish the same for you, my family, my friends, my lovely sweet intelligent nieces and nephews. If you were in front of me I would say this, "You are so smart and have so much to offer. I know you are young and on a journey and haven't quite worked everything out. That is to be expected. I just wanted to let you know that I am not judging you but trying to offer you advice. I want to see you have people in your life that offer you as much as you offer them."

Ultimately, it is about creating healthy boundaries in your life so can protect yourself and expend your energy on yourself first then selectively on others you care about and return the favor.

I see so many friends and family literally "spinning their wheels" drained of all their energies trying to get others to love them the way they need to be loved. It is pointless and fruitless and makes them so very unhappy. A good friend of my likes everyone equally. She will arrive present in hand at the birthday party of some acquaintance and wonder why she has no time for herself and is stressed out at her job. I once asked her why she assumes she likes everyone when she doesn't screen them. How can she have something in common with everyone she meets? That is just not possible.

I have 2 images that come to mind. One is so very simple from aviation. When you are flying and the cabin depressurises, you are instructed to fit your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else (including your own children). Why?Because if you are oxygen deprived you cannot ever help anyone -- including yourself! Secondly, if you strapped a bag of sand on your back and it slowly leaked out where would your trail lead? Would you be leaving great heapfuls of sand with people you barely know? Now imagine the sand is gold (or in this economy gasoline). Would you make different choices with your time?