Me, myself and them

Intrepid Entrepreneur

2011-11-15T13:06:00.008-05:00

I took one of those self-exam tests in a magazine recently that helped you determine what you value in terms of personal stock and how that relates to your true calling. Basically, I know my true calling is to be a Life Coach how I manifest that calling into a life mission/career I am not sure. I know want to write and speak publicly about my experiences in weight loss, self care, career transition, and personal relationships. I want to share my stories and insights. I want to share my struggles and failures. I think I have things to learn and could be a valuable teacher for others.

I like listening and I am really good at giving tailor-made advice based on who I am talking to. I find people's behaviour and their stories fascinating. I like flipping long held beliefs on their heads and finding new angles to approach issues and problems. I know people really listen to me and value my perspective and insights. They seek my advice and counsel.

This self questionnaire pinned me as valuing most above all else . . . security. I prefer a pre-established organized or system with structure and resources to flourish and be creative. That is sooooo me. It makes sense. I now say proudly and without reservation I AM A VERY INTREPID ENTREPRENEUR. I am working through my procrastination (which is fear of the unknown and a little insecurity to charge forward without a fully formed plan).

I had been thinking of this am my failing. Why can't I get my own business off the ground? Why does it feel like I am wearing cement shoes and a hat made out of an anvil? Why do I thwart myself and not complete or follow through on my great ideas with some effort?

I realize my path up to this point have been custom built for me and fully personalized. I took a little of this philosophy and some of this advice and some yoga and some meditation and peanut butter and it took me to this moment. No one scripted it out for me. I didn't have a map or a guide or a handbook.

Every time I think about needing to create my own website or putting together marketing materials I want to vomit. Projectile vomit. I feel like I am traveling down the roller-coaster not properly belted into the ride and it is not just fear. It is way off path for me. Side note - I spent 15 years in marketing and communications I know full well how to create website content that would knock your socks off and how to lock into a market niche with compelling copy. I used to think it was just a block that I couldn't do this for myself. I can but some parts of me just doesn't want to. It feels yucky. There are parts of it I can do myself and the rest I need to hand off to some other type of guru. They can make it pretty and graphically interesting. I am off to hire a talented friend/graphic designer.

I am relieved and proud to publicly say I AM AN INTREPID ENTREPRENEUR. I feel like I just unloaded a huge backpack of shame and dirty underwear.

Where I go from here is up to me to decide. Some of it will be taking a deep breath and just moving in a direction and figuring it out as a move along.

Group Hug

2011-07-25T12:28:00.006-04:00

Been a while since I thought about my collective self. The Me, myself and them that plan my day, keep my secrets, do my thinking, hopefully manage my life for the better. Loud and soft voices. Patient and kind souls. Resistant children. Scared and bitter phantoms. Feisty and warrior girls. Everyone is important but not everyone can speak at the same time.

I think in the process of figuring out my idea of a balanced life I was looking for stability and a much broader sense of freedom. The ability to see a wide range of choices and allow myself a course that depended on the need, desire circumstance and will of where I wanted to go. I get to use all my guides and persona as an integrated force rather than in respond to a fear or hurt.

Sometimes I can make a decision not always having the final destination set in stone but at least have a sense of the direction I want to go in. Balance and calm ensure. When we all pull together I do not feel dragged or disjointed. I feel settled and sure.

I feel like all the aspects have shifting and flexible roles with varying degrees of importance depending on the mood or situation.

Moving Day

2011-05-24T09:21:00.015-04:00

My home is definitely a metaphor for my life. I have lived in the same apartment for a very long time (almost 20 years). I am in the process of moving. And yes the emphasis is on process.

I had 1 relationship the majority of the time I lived there. With Roger. Roger is someone that I describe as solid, loyal, funny, outgoing and the one of the best men (in every sense of the word) that I have ever met. He is tough on the outside and (here his secret is revealed) a big softy on the inside. He is generous to a fault and has a laser beam focus on his goals (to the exclusion of almost anything else including sometimes other people as well as sleeping and eating).

As I clean out and pack up my apartment where I lived with him for so long I am finding all sort of bits and pieces. Tons of old shirts that he kept under the sink as rags. Pictures of us. Pictures he took. Little bunny tokens and things I saved that were memories of places we had been together.

A lot of the furniture we had together is still there. A bureau from his Grandmother. Her kitchen table. An humongous old TV from his Mom. Crazy little things. 12 different kinds of colored light bulbs. Every owner's manual from every single appliance we ever had (even those ones long since gone). Maps. Things related to flying. Flying videos (yes, VHS) and books. A whole drawer full of screws, nuts, bolts and Velcro. Lots of Velcro. 6 or 7 different kinds of flashlights. Lots of squirrel related memorabilia.

The moving process is hard. The stuff is not just stuff. It is memories. It is feelings. I feel sad all over again processing all this stuff and once again realizing how important our relationship was. I don't think I ever forget that. I just don't live in it daily. I realize how much room we took up in each other's lives and recognizing the loss. I feel sad thinking about when he moved out and knowing how hard it must have been for him to leave our "space". I feel sad and regretful thinking about when I was unkind or thoughtless during that time and the hurt and pain I caused to him. I feel sad about something that was special and will never be again. It makes me recognize it's value and proper place in my life. It made me who I am today. For many years it was my safe and loving space from the outside world.

So I am moving and realizing I can't hang onto this stuff anymore. I am cleaning out old stuff. Donating things. Shaking my head at the stuff I have held onto that is no longer of use or value to me. I am keeping only the important stuff. The things I love and honor. Only the underwear that fits! Only the socks with no holes! The special crotchet thingy that Mrs. Nichols made for me. The beautiful Christmas ornaments we picked out together. The great pictures Roger took. The sad very very fat pictures of me where I look unhappy. Of course all my favorite shoes and purses.

I realize the things that are the most important to me are not tangible things but memories and feelings. I hold those deep in my heart and I am lucky that I can take those lovingly where ever I go.

Gains & Losses

2011-03-25T12:31:00.006-04:00

On the GPS journey we tend to think of scorecards in gains and losses. I lost 5lbs, I gained 20 years on my life, I lost some hair, or I gained some perspective.

As I reflect over the past 4 years, I was profoundly struck by things I had gained and lost on my journey. Mostly without numbers.

I started out by gaining a lot of weight and loosing a sense of myself.

Gravity held me down but I was the only one holding myself back.

The weight of my own pain, struggles, fears, overwhelming expectations packed into the excess pounds on my body.

Slowly I started to work on my issues and I lost a sense of fear and paralyzing perfectionism.

I opted for GPS as a tool. As I lost weight I was also letting go of the years of stored pain and anger. I was lightening my own expectations and pressure on myself.

I lost 155lbs and I lost a relationship.

I lost a relationship that was unproductive and destructive with food. I lost food as my comfort.

I lost the need for my anchor. I no longer needed something to weight me down.

I feel lighter and have more freedom without my veil of fat.

The one I hid behind. The one I grieved behind. The veil I raged behind.

No more hiding.

I finally gained my freedom. I gained a better relationship with myself and my body. I gained choices and a deep abiding sense of self-respect. I gained acceptance, happiness, and a range of emotions. I gained a bigger, larger, stronger voice. I gained a better and more beautiful connection to my world.

Sometimes I feel so untethered , so light, like I could float away like a butterfly.

Anniversary Time!

2011-01-28T15:55:00.010-05:00

February 2011 is a big month for me.

I am 4 years post gastric bypass surgery on 2/13/11 and my stats are:
*lost 101% of goal - from 300 to 145lb
*size 22 to size 4
*blood work and vitamin levels excellent
*good-bye to several medications and c-pap machine
*healthy BMI
*taken up karate and I do not worrying about sinking a kayak if i get into it
*total mind/body change where all my parts (head and stomach) work together not against each other

I know my changes are much more than physical. I worked hard before, during and after surgery to ensure my maintained success. I made huge investments of time to address the emotional issues that had me linked in a death spiral with food. Ultimately, I learned it is not about the chips or cookies it is about the behavior and the underlying issues. I had multiple years of individual as well as group therapy. I wrote in my journal, talked to friends, listened to meditation CD's, read books, and figured out what my issues were.

In complete disclosure I am a somewhat reformed "Type A" perfectionist who struggles with unrealistic goals and the OCD desire to do everything perfectly the first time. I knew going into this journey more than 5 years ago I would need to challenge, tackle, drag and pin to the floor screaming my notion of success and redefine it so I could achieve and sustain it rather than procrastinate and finally end up depressed and abandon it.

I also addressed physical issues so that by the time I was ready to commit to a surgery date I lost 12lbs in the few months prior to surgery without a lot of mental anguish. I worked out with a personal trainer for about 2 years. Didn't loose a pound but I think it helped me build a leaner muscle mass. I cut back on soda and coffee and ate small sensible meals. I think because I was ready to make the changes it seemed sort of effortless.

My world of obesity was very black and white. Good days and bad days depending on the food I ate or what the scale said. Food was my comfort and zoning out method. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and physically. I went to massage therapists, acupuncturists, therapists, group therapists, chiropractors, allergists, physical therapy, and nutritionists. I wrote out food records (which I really, really, really, hated). I learn things very s-l-o-w-l-y and need a brick in the forehead before I truly get and incorporate the lesson.

Since I have been a "model patient" and had such a sustained success my Gastric Bypass Surgeon asked me to speak to our collective support group run through her practice. Moderated by a psychologist it is a chance for open discussion.

It is amazing and nerve racking getting up in front of 70 or 80 people and tell my story. It keeps me honest to share my fear, flaws, failures, and triumphs. I remind myself how hard but worthwhile the journey was for me.

A really good question that someone asked when I spoke in front of this group was "How did I know I was going to be successful?"

Before surgery it would be 100% or nothing. Black or white. Good food or bad me. I was so afraid of failing at something I just wouldn't try unless I knew I could do it perfectly. When I shared this with my therapist she suggested hypnosis. She lead me through a visualization exercise while I was hypnotized. I had to visualize overwhelming physical obstacles and find my way around them. Obstacle: A tall chain link fence. Solution: I climbed over it. Obstacle: On the other side of the fence there was a big mean dog chasing me. Solution: I threw him a bone. Obstacle: I came to a ravine. Solution: I chopped down a tree and climbed over the ravine. When I came out of hypnosis I had this overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I knew could tackle and overcome any obstacle.

For over a year my therapist would have me write down goals and evaluate them. Could I live with meeting a goal at 75% what about at 50%? Could I tolerate the feelings that I hadn't done enough and eventually get to the point that "good enough" is just that.

I think I was successful on my weight loss journey because I was able to ask for help and re-define my success as less than 100%. I allowed myself to be OK where ever I landed. That is how I achieve 101%. Do I do everything perfectly? NO WAY! And now I can honestly say -- what a relief. Now I get to be human like everyone else and learn from my mistakes. Yeah me!

"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

How we talk about each other

2011-01-12T14:50:00.008-05:00

I have been thinking about how we talk about each other in this world. How do we describe our families, jobs, our mates and what words do we choose for our world.

Is it happy rhetoric? Negative? Do we "back-bite" or bitch and moan? Are some of us even conscience of the words we use? Why does word choice matter?

I have come to the realization that the word choice and adjectives I use to describe my world can put me in the passenger seat or describe me as the driver. Do I have control over objects and people in my world? No, not always. But I do have control over how I describe them. Address them. Treat or treasure them. Or even dislike them.

The political discourse of this time right now is examining this question right now in the light of the recent shooting in AZ. Blame is cast on all sides. Some question whether words really do matter. I know in a very personal way they do.

In my struggle to overcome the narrowing and paralyzing fears that accompanied my perfectionism I learned through visualization that I can overcome any obstacle put in my way. The fear of obstacles was previously so overwhelmingly paralyzing for me that I would give up trying or procrastinate my way into depression for not having achieved some lofty goal like work-out every day, give up candy, and find a new job.

How do you describe the person you dislike the most in your life? I believe we are all mirrors of each other. That person you dislike probably reflects some quality or qualities you can't stand in yourself. I try and sometimes achieve a level of compassion for the person I dislike the most. I see them as a small child trying to make their way in the world with simple yet ineffectual tools. My sympathy is created in recognizing that their tool box is not quite full and they are floundering. It doesn't mean I dismiss their wanton cruelty or neglect or active malice. It means I try to meet their flaws with some level of understand and allow my sense of irritation with them to subside. I find it frees me from being engaged in a conflict with them. I use less of my precious energy on them.

"I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul."

My Last Desk Job

2010-11-10T18:30:00.004-05:00

I have this job to "pay the bills" which I am thankful for. It is close to home and provides health insurance and allows me to basically pay my rent.

I know deep with the depths of my soul and mind and heart and any other body parts you want to claim intuition to that this will be the last desk job I ever sit in.

I like my colleagues and don't mind the work and know there is a lesson to learn or a purpose or challenge or reason I do this job.

Today, even though I make valuable contributions to my team and do good work I couldn't help feeling like I got a big professional slap in the face by my job. They hired someone over me with less experience, qualifications, and professional skills. I have been trying to reason this and rationalize my own feelings of being slighted or not respected.

I come back to this idea. It is not about me or my failure or that I lack something. It is about poor decision making on the part of the "management". Poor communication skills, poor management, and lack of vision. Lack of respect. Lack of foresight.

What is my take away lesson here? What is the universe telling me?

It is my wake up call that this is not my destiny. This is not my job. This is not where I find my fulfillment. Speak up and use my voice. Put my energies and vision into my book and my life coaching role. I have a bigger role to fill than this little desk job and always did. This is my kick in the butt. This is my exit. I am ready for the next adventure. Head up and full tilt forward. This is my brick in the forehead.

I like me....

2010-10-15T11:06:00.017-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about relationships. Why kind do I want? Who am I when I am at my best in a relationship? I come back to my most important relationship. The one I have with myself. The one that is living in an integrated mind and body. What some call authenticity.

It took me a looooong time, lots of therapy, and a fair amount of practice to value and cherish the relationship I have with my body and mind. GO TEAM! It was some of the hardest work I ever had to do. The work is not done and I continue to find ways to work better and smarter with myself and allow myself some breaks, problems, slip-ups, and errors along the way.

I can't say that I have always been completely self-loathing but I think I could only focus on feeling good about myself if I felt someone else felt that way too. I defined a lot my success in the "doing" and definitely on looks. I was always looking for outside reinforcements since my own self-esteem and confidence wavered.

Early on in therapy, I was asked to make a list of things I liked about myself. It was hard to come up with a list. Especially physical things since I was really hating my obese and bloated body. I think I came up with I like my hair and I know I am smart. Wow, way to pat yourself on the back there kid!?

On a very regular basis, I used to push myself beyond any reasonable limits (worked too much, ate too much, didn't sleep enough or slept too much). I was completely out of balance. Not in touch with my feelings (what are those?) I was walking around appearing "zen" on the outside and drowning on the inside in a big pile of sad stories, worries, fears, anger, rejection and resentment about my life. I worked for horrible people who fed those negative feelings. I think now I picked them because they were familiar to me. They were outside manifestations of

my own self-loathing. They helped to teach me an important lesson about speaking up for myself and not believing someone in authority when they tell you you have no value. I had to find and re-calibrate my own internal stress sensor. I understood what the "red zone" felt like but had no idea what the build up before that looked like. I was totally tuned out.

Letting others define me was and is such a dangerous and unfulfilling game. Even those friends or family members with the best intentions still mostly see the outside or the qualities they value most. Only you have the complete picture. People remember how you make them feel about themselves (happy, sad, intimidated, angry, peaceful, loved). Those impressions are only pieces of your soul and sometimes they are only pieces you choose to reveal in that moment. It is like trying to put a puzzle together doing only the corners of the puzzle but leaving the middle not filled in.

There is no one who knows me better than myself. If I can't see my own value how can anyone else? I used to get caught up in this "which comes first the chicken or the egg" kind of rationale with my self-esteem and it was a slippery slope. I used the same excuses around this as I did about whether I would exercise. "I'll start on Monday." Seemed to be a good response. "I'll feel good about myself when someone else confirms it." That didn't work because a lot of the times I wouldn't believe the compliment?!

Borrow it from someone else while you build it for yourself.

I borrowed the strength and vision I admired in my long term partner while I built it for myself. His confidence in himself helped me recognize my own. I modeled his behaviour and kinda "faked it" until it became real and ingrained for me. To me this process felt like turning a dimmer switch to the full on position rather than flipping a switch. Go towards the light!

Love notes to yourself.

Who doesn't like mail? In relationship advice columns and books they always seem to talk about leaving love notes for each other. Why not do it for yourself? It worked for me. I like getting mail. How much better is it when it is something nice about yourself. "Hope you have a great day! Remember you are the best! Love, Me" I was a good student (see Lisa Simpson). I lived for school. I was a flashcard queen. I made myself "happy thoughts" flashcards on index cards and carried them around like I was studying for an important test. Sometimes I was just reading them. Sometimes I really felt them. Sometimes I resisted them. The ones I like the best now are the ones that I am still somewhat resistant to. I set those aside for special attention.

Dive right in to sending love to the most unlovable parts.

When I think about how hard I was on myself (and still am from time to time) now what I do is focus immediately on the body part or thought that is crying the loudest. The cranky one calling for my attention. It works for kids why not your own body parts? I start with a recognition that something is bothering me and sit quietly even for a few seconds or a minute and focus my attention on that part. Usually for me it is my back (my foundation). I close my eyes and breath in and out fully for a few breaths. Then I send the healing breath to my back. I let all the tension and soreness get released on the exhale. I notice the physical sensations and any emotions that come up for me. Acknowledging and breathing for me usually does the trick. Ignoring and pushing past the feelings does not work. My back screams louder. In the past I would have walked around like an angry pirate in search of a parrot rather than acknowledge that my body needed rest or treatment. Or I would go to a Dr. or other practitioner so they could "fix me".

Resistance is futile.

No matter how hard I pushed forward and tried to ignore problems or pain there I still was. And that is a good thing. The less I resisted feeling pain or frustration or any difficult or upsetting emotion the less time I spent bathing in it. The less I ignored my own fear of failure or rejection the more I realized I could tolerate those feelings and pretty much any situation that comes my way because I am capable, know when to ask for help, understand my own strengths and quirks, and value myself for the being and not always the doing. I more important to the world just in this moment for being who I am not because of my dress-size, wallet, or IQ.

I do like me. I believe you do too.

Doing the laundry

2010-09-13T12:18:00.004-04:00

Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Sadness.

I still have work to do. I am still sorting stuff out for myself. There is still emotional clean up and sorting and folding left.

I guess I am trying to skip steps to find the place where I am ok emotionally.
Where I can say "this task is done."

I have to be brave enough to allow myself to be confused. Have feelings that change moment to moment.

What do I want? How do I feel? Important questions. Confusing questions.

Just not done doing the laundry....cuz there is always more....

Yelling for quiet

2010-08-08T09:51:00.008-04:00

Love my dreams! It is my unconscious brain at work processing the days and week's events in some sort of theatrical journey.

In this dream I was sorting through my laundry with my long-term ex Roger. We were deciding which car I should put the laundry in. I was worried about how to get it home I knew he was looking out for me. It was an equal exchange of information. I felt cared for and loved and knew things would work out alright.

Then I was touring a house with lots of people in it. Trying to find the right space for me. There was a woman there saying very loudly "it's my quiet time keep it down." I turned around in my dream and said "the time and loudness with which you said that is stupid - if it's quiet time then shut up." It got a laugh from everyone around me. It seemed absurd to be yelling for quiet. I was compelled to point it out.

Then I opened up a door and I was in a boutique and decided to go bra shopping for myself. I saw a bunch of very pretty bras and grabbed a bunch. I was looking at a rack of clothes when Adam and his brother Matt came through the door with shopping bags. I said to Adam "I knew I would find you here." He laughed and nodded. Then he directed me to the fitting room where they wanted you to take off your clothes and change into these royal blue "Ashtanga" robes. I was curious as to what the purpose was but it seemed like a relaxing thing to do. Like in a spa when you put on a comfy robe.

So what does my dream tell me? What are the key elements that jump out at me? What jumps out at you?

*Sorting laundry with Rog - sorting is deciding what's mine and what is his. Probably emotionally. What I get from this is the journey of our relationship and how now even though we aren't a couple we still care and support each other. We have a long-term foundation of mixed "laundry" but it doesn't keep us from our current mutual admiration of each other. That is what works in my life. It teaches me that even though we are different people we learned from each other. It is a sustaining gift in my life.

*House with lot of people - finding my place and purpose in the world is my ongoing journey. I am still sorting that out. I still have work to do. I still have things I want to accomplish. Sometimes I feel insecure and want to know where my "place" is. I am still searching for that space.

*Yelling for quiet - the absurdity of trying to find quiet by yelling. This has a lot to do with Adam. I push and point out things that don't make sense to me. I feel compelled to do so. But it has the opposite affect on him. It pushes him away and all he hears is noise and criticism. Some "life coach" I turned out to be? That is me being hard on myself. It is also a history I inherited from my Mother who tends to ignore the obvious and my role (which I fulfill with great pride) is the anatagonist. But sometimes maybe it is not productive to point things out to people when they are not in a place to accept them.

*Bra shopping and finding Adam - this is all about our chemistry and connection physically. I think it is also about trying to be nurturing and perhaps smothering with him. When I can't connect with him emotionally I have always turned to the sexual relationship since that is the thing that works best between us.

*Royal Blue Ashtanga robes - very interesting element. Blue chakra is related to the throat and voice or intuition. It is about speaking your mind and knowing your heart. It was interesting that Adam was the one who suggested we put the robes on (of course taking my clothes off was part of that package). Ashtanga yoga is about using the breadth to pass through each pose. It is about the mind/body connection. It tells me "just relax" and detach from the outcome and be in the moment and I will find peace.

Broken Ear

2010-08-03T17:08:00.004-04:00

I had a dream last night that my right ear fell off. It was broken and as I tried to examine the pieces of it I realized there was a bolt or some sort of other hardware that I needed to put it back together.

I was frightened by it. I was saddened by it. I was confused by it. I thought "if I could just figure it out and put it back together again it will be OK."

Wow, the last statement can apply to so many things in my life right now. Especially my broken relationship.

What does my right ear tell me that is important?
I am right.
I am not broken.
Listen to myself.
I can't fix it.

What do my feelings of fear, sadness and confusion tell me?
I fear what I do not know because I am compelled to be prepared for the worst. Fear is my friend. It is my instinctual warning signal from my DNA. Fight or flight. Fear tells me "get out now while the getting is good."

Sadness comes from my mind and heart. I am sad. I feel hurt. I feel unappreciated. Rejected. I feel let down. My sadness reminds me to be kind to myself. Take time for myself. Be gentle with myself. Allow myself space and time to let out the sadness.

Confusion tells me that I don't have all the answers. There is no one right answer or path. I cannot guide or control someone else's path. I cannot advise them into good mental health or support them into making changes. Confusion is knowing what those changes meant to me and not understanding why someone else wouldn't want to make them too. Confusion is about loosing control. Allusions. I can't know everything. I don't know everything. Let it go.

My ear tells me to also listen carefully to what is being said and what is not being said. Word choice although seemingly random is quite thoughtful and revealing.

Thank you right ear...i hear you my friend. I am listening.

What is your story?

2010-03-12T15:45:00.005-05:00

I have always been interested in people's stories. Reading stories. Writing stories. Hearing the details of people's lives. Perhaps that is why I became a Life Coach.

I have been thinking about how we "frame" the stories we tell about our own lives. You can hear it in other people whether they think of themselves as a "victim" or "villain". Do they think that their lives are in their own control or that stuff just happens to them? How many people can say they are the "hero" in their story? Do their lives go according to their plans or do things just happen to them? How do I tell the story about my life?

I have noticed a shift within me over the past several years about how I tell my stories. I am finally my hero. There is no one else coming to save or fix me (not that I ever needed fixing but that is a whole other story).....

Dreaming and Scheming

2010-01-08T11:00:00.006-05:00

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions.....I do like the idea of "dreaming and scheming" to produce a thoughtful collection of goals to aim for during the new year.

Right now I am dreaming and scheming these goals for myself:

*leading & producing vibrant women's "idea groups" that create momentum for women to steer their paths into personal/professional satisfaction

*finding more ways to express creativity...music and art most appeal to me

*traveling....going somewhere new and experiencing a different culture

*horses, riding, and more horses

*finding a new "$ metaphor" that supports generosity and returns kindness

*my story....my book....finding a way that is right for me to share this with the world

*appreciate my partner for his kindness and love and not push too hard to see him move forward in his life (his path, timing and way are different then mine)....balance between providing my support and being attached to producing results

*continue my love affair with my self (expanding energy in my body, my mind, my spirit)

*revisiting and setting forth on a path that renews my love of life coaching

It is all about the "path less traveled" for me. My footprints are the only ones that make sense. I know I cannot follow along anyone else's stream. It can be difficult but this is one that is most satisfying to me.

Thanksgiving Wishes

2009-11-26T12:12:00.007-05:00

I am reflecting and grateful for all the moments in my life that have brought me to this place now.

I am grateful for my friends who I can laugh with and who support me with their love and kindness. They remind me of my gifts and talents and see my inner light.

I am grateful for my brother whose wisdom about our crazy little family makes me feel like I am not alone in this world. I admire your strength and capacity for insight. I love you!

I am grateful for my sister-in-law. You are the most amazing social buffer without even trying. I love your humor and seeing how happy you and my brother are together. Your partnership gives me hope.

I am grateful for my parents. My Dad is a philosopher with perspective. He is kind and gentle. My Mom is brave and intelligent.

I am grateful to have my cousin Katherine back in my life. She is a friend-big sister-cousin who I admire and love to be around. Her inner light sparkles like light upon the water.

I am grateful for my ex. His loving foundation and partnership for many years allowed me to find myself once again. He will always occupy a special place in my heart. I love your ability to be self reflective and your honesty.

I am grateful for all of my teachers, clients, coaches, doctors, therapists, and practitioners who support my ongoing journey for health, stability, and warrior strength. Thank you for your expertise and caring.

I am grateful to pain, fear, doubt, anger, and uncertainty. Without allowing myself to feel and acknowledge these things I would not be human.

I am grateful to my best friend for all her humor, crazy laughter, and loving kindness. You loved me not matter what size I was or what condition my life was in. I know I can tell you anything and you will still be my friend.

I am grateful to all the members of the women's group I attended. Your stories were always inspiring. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be part of your group and supporting my journey. You gave me courage and allowed me to grow & blossom in a safe place. I was privileged to be part of your lives.

I am grateful for my job and all the people I work with. I enjoy coming to work everyday knowing I am valued for my contributions and being part of a team.

I am grateful for having reconnected with old friends. Some from elementary school and some from college. It is so wonderful to have you share your memories of me and know that I impacted your life. I appreciate those memories as gifts.

I am grateful for the very small things and gestures from everyday people.

I am grateful for the little man at Dunkin Donuts who remembers me and makes my coffee exactly the way I like it.

I am grateful for the stranger on the bus who offers me a seat.

I am grateful for the random gentleman who holds the door open for me to walk through.

I am grateful to all my special animals (wild and domestic). I love your curiosity and your antics. I am grateful that you feel safe enough to visit me on a daily basis and share your beauty with me.

I am grateful for the wisdom and lesson from past events of my life who made me who I am.

I am grateful for the present. In this very moment in time and all its imperfection. Being given choices and opportunities to create my own path as hard as that is at times.

I am grateful for the future. Where ever I go, who ever I met, what ever I do - it will have special meaning and purpose.

I am grateful to my body. I have not always treated you well at times (yes, sometimes I even hated you). I think we have come along way together. I appreciate all you do without me thinking about it. I am grateful from the very top of my head to the tips of my toes for your strength, adaptability, movement, flexibility, and softness.

I am grateful for my mind. Spinner of crazy wildly confusing dreams, remarkable insights, and rapid fire intelligence. I am in awe of what comes out of you sometimes. I will say or write something and think "wow did I say or think that?" What a great feeling to surprise yourself. Thank you.

The Journey of Moving On

2009-08-07T13:42:00.021-04:00

Change can be scary to me. But I am proud of myself and have learned not to put wasted energy into the urge to dig my heels in and brace for the worst. I am learning to accept (and sometimes welcome) change as a part of life. I learn this lesson over and over. I get that feeling in my gut like am on a thrill ride but I ride it out. Part of my resistance is my perfectionism. I want to do everything right the first time. Impossible!

I have a new position at work (the job to pay my bills) and I am taking the time to appreciate what brought me to this place. The many friends I have made along the way so very different from me as well as the gracious amounts of support I have received. I look forward to learning new things and expanding my horizons and meeting even more friends in this new position.

I have a new relationship with a wonderful man who is kind and giving who really sees and values me (inside and out). As our relationship grows and develops I resist the urge to swallow my feelings for the sake of "keeping the peace" even when the conversation could be difficult or upsetting. I am inpatient but I am continually taught the value of patience since he moves differently (or perhaps very familiarly) through the world.

I am turning back as well as forging ahead while reconnecting with old friends and family. People from my past which I had lost touch with but have now re-emerged in my life. I am not the same person as I was many years ago. I am more settled and self-assured. I can appreciate and recognize where I am now, my gifts, my talents, and how I touch other people's lives. I feel a deeper and more satisfying connection in these new relationships with old friends.

Again, I reflect on my past long-term relationship and realize we were right for each other at another point in our lives but not anymore. I was reminded of this recently when he told me that he had married his current girlfriend. I felt strange and sad. I felt replaced. I questioned what was wrong with me. I was reminded by both my current partner and my ex that his current marriage was not related to me or what I lack. We were not replaceable in each other's lives. We fulfilled a special place and purpose. We meant something to each other. I was loved. We moved on.

All of these lessons are part of my journey of moving on. I am am thankful.

The Highest Compliment

2009-06-20T11:41:00.006-04:00

I am so grateful and humble to receive what I think of as the highest compliment I have received in a long time. I know people in my life appreciate my insight, my humor, my intelligence and my instincts with people. I am adept at human negotiations. I navigate relationships and people with thoughtful vision and honesty. I try to maintain, connect and understand the people I care most about. I am a supportive partner, friend, and ally. I can observe, listen and respond in careful loving ways with strangers and friends. I am gifted in this area and I value my skills.

I ended a long term relationship with one of the best men I have ever known (honest, true to his word, hard working, thoughtful). It was difficult to say the least and there were times I thought I was making a horrible mistake and ruining my life. As we worked through the process of "breaking up" we talked a lot about our feelings. We processed a lot of our relationship history and our mutual failings and successes (there had to be many of those since we were together 16 years).

Saying goodbye and coping with the loss of this person and the ending of our relationship was very difficult. There were/are many times I miss him. I miss his company. Sharing every day occurrences with him. But, I don't miss the relationship. Which to me is telling and informs and confirms for me that I made the right decision.

We both have new relationships now with good people. People who are likely more similar to ourselves then to our previous partners. We both carry through to our new relationships what we learned being with each other. Roger taught me how to be brave, to speak my mind, to not be afraid of conflict, and to show people that I am a leader. I am sure that my new partner Adam appreciates having this newer, braver, wiser Felicia (that is why I picked him). Roger told me today how his new "lady friend" was thanking him for being compassionate with her. She asked him simply, "why are you the way you are?" He reflected and said, "it was something that Felicia taught me."

The gift I was given by him today was hearing him tell me that I taught him to be kinder to people. He thought I made him a better person and more compassionate. It fills me with such love and joy to hear this. It makes my heart swell. I am proud and humbled to know that I affected him this way.

Neither one of us created things in each other that weren't already there. We just encouraged them to come up to the surface and manifest in a real way. Now our current partners get the benefit of our previously forged relationship wisdom. As it should be. We do better when we learn and grow and apply our experience to present circumstances. We give more when we don't fear. We receive more when we don't expect. Not that we shouldn't have clear goals and standards in mind. But we are allowing all of our good stuff to come through without complicated filters or defensive postures. We are moving forward with ourselves for ourselves in a new life not forgetting or ignoring the past but embracing it.

Fly away...be free

2009-04-14T15:09:00.014-04:00

I am thinking about butterflies and transformation. I am in the beginnings of a new phase of my life. It is exciting and scary and sometimes I wonder if I deserve all this attention and happiness. Then I find the answer. It comes loud and strong from within like my own heartbeat. I hear and feel the words.

Now in my life, I feel re-awakened after my long-fat-sleep. I am in love with the "newness" of things. There is excitement and chemistry and comfort and pleasure.

I think about how the people in my life have changed. What I need and want in my relationships is always evolving. I think that now I can appreciate who i am and where i am going I hope that the I have drawn and welcomed people in my life who can the see the light that shines through as the essence of me.

I wonder why now, what purpose, what lesson is here for me...I am happy to discover these in the days to come...

To A Monarch Butterfly (Homero Aridjis)

You who go through the day
like a winged tiger
burning as you fly
tell me what supernatural life
is painted on your wings
so that after this life
I may see you in my night

Open Doors, Closed Doors

2009-02-26T12:25:00.018-05:00

2/26/09

When one door opens another one closes. I am reminded of this as I reflect on my history, my present and my future these days.

I have gone through tremendous physical and emotional changes over the past 6 years. Every experience I have had in my life (good and bad) has made me who I am today. I am grateful for all of those lessons and people who have helped me and cared for me along the way.

With all my heart, I am grateful and proud to have been in a loving and caring relationship (although not perfect but none is) for the past 16 years with one of the most decent men I have ever met. We came together under different circumstances (he was my roommate), we stayed together under difficult circumstances (my severe weight gain and his 9 years of struggling through college) and tried to forge our own path. We are very different people but I think I learned a lot about myself from him and when I needed it I used his strength and rational insight to cope with difficult situations around me. I think he learned from me perhaps how to be kinder to people and not be so hard on himself. Even though our paths are no longer pointing in the same direction I will always love and appreciate the time we spent together.

He helped me along my journey to get where I am today. Sometimes it was not the support I expected or wanted but I understand now how hard he tried. We both made mistakes and sometimes our communication styles worked against us. Even in the dissolution of our relationship I can still appreciate his support and love and admire his strength. I see his efforts to love me when I felt unlovable as pure. I can understand why we stayed together as long as we did because we needed to. We both derived comfort and found a home in the stability of our union or at least the need to keep that connection. At times we were both unhappy but tried to connect to the foundation of what kept us together. Our humor, common interests, ability to admire and sometimes even appreciate our differences, and our genuine care and concern for each other.

In our separation I can see him struggle now through his pain, anger, and hurt to try to be supportive of me and my new path. It is difficult as I struggle to balance my sense of freedom and find my own happiness. I realize how much I value and love all the positive contributions (even if I didn't see them or appreciate them at the time because they didn't look or feel like I needed them to) he gave to me and the relationship. We may never be a couple again but I feel so very lucky to have shared my life with him for so many years. I struggle now to envision a new life that he may or may not be a part of. Our relationship and connection brought me to this place and I am a different, changed, and humbled person because of it. For this I will always be grateful.

Dreams Bouliabasse

2009-01-08T12:21:00.012-05:00

1/8/09

Whenever, I am struggling with things I look to my dreams to inform me. I have had some really vivid ones recently. Here is my Hodge-podge of some of my dreams.

UBER-SPORTS
I was staying at this crowed resort type place. There were hills and mountains all around. It was very green and verdant. There was mountain biking and the housing was pretty split level dark wooden condos. I was in the midst of a crowd of people filled with some familiar faces and some unfamiliar. My group was waiting to join one of the color-clad, fully decked out super jacked sports teams playing on the field. One team in particular was wearing this deep blue color. Like the color of water. There was a human pyramid and one team of 10 or more was pelting a single player with a water cannon.

There were large screens that projected the activity for people to watch on the outskirts of the game.

I remember thinking that this was a much younger crowd than I am used to and that all this "sports stuff" seemed overly steroidal and sort of militant. I was not looking forward to joining the super-soaker team.

Green Cigarettes and the White Haired-Lady
I while ago, I had a dream I was wandering through a friend's apartment and this little white haired lady was following me and putting out these little green cigarettes I was leaving behind. She didn't say anything to me. Just would pick up my cigarettes and unwrap them. I felt like she was looking for something inside the green sticks.

As I explored the apartment I went out a back door and down a staircase that lead to a really elaborate water park with slides and overhangs and lots of families and people. I was standing on this bridge in the water up to my ankles talking to my friend. There was a huge crowd of people behind him that were his family.

Tigers
I had a dream about a post-apocalyptic world. I was driving around in the mess and there were wild animals loose all over the place. Trash everywhere and hundreds of dirty people wandering. I ended up in a school/shelter with other people and there were a pair of tigers that had escaped from the zoo. People were standing around dumb staring at them. I told them to back up and give the animals room.

I ripped open a box of meat and starting hurling it down the hall at the tigers. One male and one female. They took the meat and dragged it to the corner and began eating. Then the room cleared and it was just me and the tigers. There was no fear. Just me feeding them. I was calm. They were calm. They just watched me and I watched them. The world got quiet. It was shared control and calm. I was at peace.

A Car Ride
The last dream I had before I awoke was a really vivid one. It was so disturbing and visceral that my stomach and heart still ache thinking about it.

In my dream I was riding in the back seat of the car and beside me was my friend Karen. Her door opened as the car was moving and she fell out backwards and smacked her head on the pavement and ended up on the curb. I remember the look of pain and surprise that was on her face as her head hit the road. I watched the back of her head come off in one bloody piece.

I jumped out of the car and instructed whoever I was with to call 911 and ran towards her. As I was running towards her I kept saying to myself, "I can't handle this. I am going to be sick. This is too much. I don't want to see it."

But, I didn't turn away. I reacted and didn't hesitate and went to her even though I wanted to be sick. I dragged her from the pavement to the grass on the side of the road. As I cradled her body and her half bloody head I kept telling her she would be alright. I looked down at her and realized I was holding myself.

Who do I want to be?

2008-10-30T00:38:00.012-04:00

Who am I now in this moment? Who do I want to be? What will make me happy?

I am at a crossroads in my life. I ask myself these questions. These are good questions. I don't necessarily have all the answers. The answers I do have seem so simple. They give me focus and purpose. I find comfort from them.

*I want to be proud of myself and do good work that matters in the world.
*I want the people who matter most to me to know how much I love them.
*I want to be valued and loved.
*I want to be strong and make hard decisions in my life.
*I want to finish my book. To share my story with the world and inspire others.
*I want to stop judging myself soooo harshly.
*I want to get my next belt in karate. To continue my warrior journey and deepen my understanding of living a mindful life.
*I want to be unafraid in my next adventure.
*I want to travel more.
*I want to be a good sister, daughter, and friend.
*I want to survive the holidays intact and find time to celebrate my 41st birthday.

Some the things I recognize I have already accomplished. I give myself the credit that is due. I can feel the expansion of my soul and the light and breadth that encompasses this vision. I have doubts and fears just like everyone does. But I make a promise to myself to continue to move forward even though I might feel unsure.

My favorite symbol of transformation is the butterfly. First the caterpillar must create a cocoon and turn to mush. I dissolve my expectations. I dissolve parts of myself. The process is hard and painful. Then the mush becomes a Chrysalis. Thoughts and plans are incubated. There is more pain and struggle during this process. In the end the butterfly emerges from her cocoon a completely different creature from where she began. The butterfly is more beautiful because of her hard and painful process. It is the nature of life. It is the cycle of death and re-birth. It is transformation. Transformation can only come from the hard fought journey. I am waiting for my brightly colored wings to grow so I can emerge a different person.

What now?

2008-09-28T23:18:00.010-04:00

Getting back on track after loss or having life throw you curve balls is hard. I have been reminded of this recently. I lost a mother figure in my life. I have a brand new niece. I stood up with my brother as his "best man" at his wedding - grateful witness as he starts a new life with his wife and partner of the last 8 years. I experienced all of this as if standing still in the midst of swirling storm. I was quiet. My heart breaks. Sadness wells inside of me. Pride and happiness crash at my feet. I feel myself twisting and bending but never breaking.

Sad and happy go hand and hand. Life and death are as one. Beginnings and ending are never far apart. Life is such a strange mixture of all these things at once. I suffer. I struggle to care for myself. I resist the urge to crawl into a deep, dark hole and hide.

I take my own inventory. You are too thin. I've lost too much weight. I need to stop smoking. My hair is crazy and I need a haircut. I make lists. I return to my goals. I talk to friends. I even console myself. Eat more. Get back to exercise. Find a way to return to the things that make me happy. Clean out my closet. Organize my bills. Sleep in. Cry while watching Casablanca.

So I get up in the morning and start a new day. Some will be happy. Some will be sad. In the end the thing that matters is that I am still standing. Making it better for myself. No one is coming to rescue me. I am the captain of my own ship and I am not afraid to weather the storms ahead.

Risk, love and loss

2008-09-09T01:59:00.006-04:00

I was talking to a friend of mine about taking risks today. I truly believe that our lives are about taking risks. We are never guaranteed an outcome that we want or desire. It is still worth taking them. Loving the people in your life and possibly loosing them is also part of life. It totally sucks and I don't know if I am strong enough to say I do this willingly. But never the less it happens whether I want it to or not.

I think as much as I hate the idea of loss or failure I am proud that I am still willing to take the risk. No one knows how much time they have or can predict who they will love. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am an open book. I throw myself headlong and look with out leaping when it comes to love. Perhaps, it is careless and reckless but I do it anyway.

I remember that when I think about loosing Mary Connolly. She was a very beautiful person. She gave her love to those around her freely and fiercely. She had a warrior soul in a tiny little Mrs. Santa Claus looking body. She shared her home and her heart with her family, their friends, and strangers so willingly and fearlessly (who weren't strangers for very long after they met her). Even though she had many reasons to be shut down to the experience of love she always carried it with her. She had the greatest love of her life in her husband. They accepted each other (flaws, faults, shortcomings) and inspired each other to be the best they could be together and apart. She also continued even after he died though a huge part of her went with him. She continued to share and give to those around her.

Even when she knew she was dying she just wanted to reach out and tell the ones around her that she loved them. I sat with her on the porch not long before she died and she told me how much she loved me. It was pure and beautiful. It filled my heart like a great swell. It touched me and I will always be grateful for it. I admire that. I aspire to be that brave. To be that graceful and at peace with life that even in the end I can give to those I love. To not have any regrets. To not be afraid or hold onto your ego. Just to love. She taught me this and I will never forget it.

What I am Wrestling with Right Now

2008-06-25T23:52:00.010-04:00

As a coach and as a human being I am so imperfect. I know my teachers would say "you are always a student" and I am uniquely perfect in my imperfection. Somehow right now in this moment it only mildly comforts me. I struggle with my rush to have everything all figured out and at the same time I know that it is the process and the ruminating and the questions that make life worth the living.

As a student and a woman I am struggling with feeling "good enough." I worry sometimes that I am not good enough coach to coach my clients because I am still working on my food and image issues. As a student I know this is the nature of learning. I am also working and in my process of "becoming." But, I think "when do I get to be the fully developed butterfly?"

Over the past year and a half, I have changed a tremendous amount physically and mentally. I know intellectually that I look and feel fantastic. In the best shape of my life. Strong and centered. I feel on solid ground within myself. I live more in the center of my being than I have at any other time in my life. I have a sense of peace but still a sense of longing.

I continue to struggle with issues of image. I know I look and feel amazing. Some how I keep wanting and looking for outside validation of my current condition. I feel vulnerable even admitting that I want to be complimented, ogled, gossiped about, pursued, wooed, etc. For men to fall at my feet in adoration. (I know keep dreaming). That over the top sort of thing that happens in movies when the beautiful woman walks down the street. There is a conscious part of my mind that is looking at this immature 13 yr old inside saying "What the hell are you thinking? That is so superficial and not necessary." At the same time I wonder why I judge these feelings? All these questions swirl around my head. Why now? Where do these feelings come from? I have constant conversations with myself and sometimes arguments.

Everyone wants to feel loved and adored. Why as women do we place such a high value on what others can give us. Do they validate our sense of importance? Somehow a slight look or glance from our spouse or a stranger can depress us or elate us. Why do I place more value on how others see me than what I think of myself? I know this is a trap and a hole that never gets filled from the outside. So I dig even deeper within myself and look for that validation.

My friend/life coach always reminds me that people come into our lives to teach us lessons about ourselves. My clients teach me those lessons. They remind me to take time to honor where I am right now in this moment (even if it is unsure and in need of validation). My clients are my teachers. They teach me we are always in process. My teachers remind me that to be the butterfly is not the end/goal. After the butterfly emerges from the pod it only lives a short lifetime before dying. So, I must concentrate on the process of becoming. Transformation is long and hard and painful. Beauty is fleeting. Validation can only come from within.

What I Believe In

2008-06-22T01:54:00.008-04:00

6/22/08
I reread my last blog entry about gratitude and it reminded me how much I enjoy lists. So much of what motivates me throughout the day is what I believe about the world, myself, and my life. We hold so much power over our lives. My beliefs are strong but flexible. I am not easily swayed but easily rationed with. I like to think that I update myself with new knowledge and take in what works for me and discard the rest.

I want to do a short list of things I believe in:
*very simply I believe in myself
*that my intuition never steers me wrong
*my body knows half of the equation and my mind the rest
*my thoughts lie to me sometimes
*crossing stuff off a "to do list" is most satisfying
*I am young at heart and an old soul
*I connect with people for a reason so I can work stuff out
*everyone I meet throughout the day and in my life right now has a lesson to teach me
*every negative experience is a gift (maybe unwanted but a gift the same)
*every religion has it completely wrong and completely right and cancels each other out
*anyone who tells me what I should think or feel is WRONG
*coaches, teachers, leaders and friends help me open doors and discover things about myself
*eyes are the windows to the soul (i see this in animals as well)
*love doesn't fix a relationship but helps to give you a foundation on which to build
*self-respect is as necessary as breathing
*people who are the most disrespectful have the least amount of self-respect
*"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations...I am the soul that lives within" (thanks IndiArie)
*I know when things are going to happen but not always why
*when I am meditating or in a deeply relaxed state someone holds my hand and puts their hands on my shoulders (this used to freak me out but now I understand it is meant to be comforting)
*alternative healing methods (Reiki, acupuncture, energy work, colors, Chakras, guided imagery, toning, meditation, and animal totems) work
*we always know the answers but sometimes just can't ask the questions
*learning to allow myself to make mistakes and failing has been my salvation
*I was always beautiful no matter what size my clothes were
*my spirit burns bright enough for everyone to see
*the only opinion that matters is mine
*I like people who are like me but there there is some of me in everyone
*I am a mirror
*I have lived before and will come back again maybe as a horse
*I expect the worst from my family so I won't be disappointed somtimes I am pleasantly surprised
*one of my assets is that I have been equipped with mental toughness and it pulls me thru
*If I screw up or regret something it is usually because I made a decision based on fear

We live what we believe

2008-05-06T15:39:00.014-04:00

At the end of my work week last week I began to vent to my work colleagues about how I believed that my spouse "works too much" and as I vented about it I realized I was getting angrier and angrier about it. I worked myself up into a lather about my perceived neglect or lack of attention. Somehow deriving from his absence that there was a lack of validation or attention or dare I say it....love. Looking back on it NOW I ask myself "how did I get myself so worked up?" I know that my reaction had to do with the story that I was telling myself.

The story I was telling myself is that ...."if he loved me he would pay more attention to me." "If he loved me I would see him more often and wouldn't feel so neglected. " If he paid more attention to me then I wouldn't be seeking attention so desperately." Seems reasonable?

We have been together for 15 years and he is definitely inconsistent with his attention but I know he loves me. There is no question of this. We are committed with or without the piece of paper that makes it official. I feel and I know it. He confirms this for me as well. So why, did I get myself worked up about how much attention I needed to feel loved and whether he is around to bestow this attention on me? What was I telling myself? I think I was telling myself I needed this validation. Now I am asking myself why did I need it? What else was going on? What part of me really needed this validation? Was it wrong or insecure of me to want it?

I am pretty independent and self sufficient. I don't generally feel needy or worry about how much attention I receive on any given day. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was more consistent with his treatment of me but in no way do I wish that he was attached at my hip or calling me numerous times a day.

I work with clients and advise friends and truly belief myself what I need on any given day is what I am able to give myself. So, why was I left last Friday believing I was lacking something?

To help me investigate what was going on I turned to my intuition cards. Dr. Christiane Northrup has this beautiful series of Intuition cards that I used to divine what else was going on within me. In a simplistic way they are like tarot but in a much deeper way they are used to tap into your own intuition. There are no wrong answers. Using these cards helped me to clear away the mental clutter. When I was using these cards what kept coming up for me is the issue of self-care and self-nuturance. These are old and very familiar issues that I continue to struggle with. Most days I am vigilant but others I get subtle messages from my body and my mind that I am in need of more attention. How and what messages I feed myself are as important as what I feed my body. The two things are very connected. I am getting better at listening.

Although I have been vigilant about my physical self-care I was beginning to be too attached to things outside myself and spending too much time in my own head thinking about my own value (as attached to the size of my jeans, the color of my hair, how old I look on any given day). Of course, this all started to make sense to me this week when I was reading Chapter 2 in Echkart Tolle's book the New Earth. He was writing bout how the ego attaches itself to outside objects which create pain and loss. There is no judgement in this. Not good or bad. It is what the ego does. It all clicked for me. Brick in the forehead yet again. So I will enjoy my new size 10 jeans and my new big green purse but not let them define me. Their value is external and does not and cannot reflect my own internal worth. Actually there is nothing outside myself that can reflect my own worth. It is infinite.

I started to ask myself what others stories am I telling myself. A lot of my stories have to do with attention these days. Am I worthy of the attention that I seek? Will it will come without me asking for it? Why am I worrying about these things? I realized I needed to step back into myself and figure this out a bit. Release the expectations and find my inner core of peace. That meant for me getting back to meditation and journaling and calling my coach for coaching (thanks Ginny for sorting out my head stuff with me).

Just like any good Monday morning quarterback I fully recognize that I am most attractive when I am fully present and myself. Not when I am trying to be someone.....not quite someone else but something other than truly me. Not defined by the jeans, or the hair or the outward stuff. That is just pretty window dressing. Sometimes after yoga class I can look at myself in the mirror and my hair is a mess and I have stinky grubby yoga clothes on...I can actually see myself. Those ruddy checks, clear eyes, and a slight smile on my face and think...."yeah, that's me." I look like me. I feel like me. That is me in the zone. If I close my eyes and see myself in my mind's eye is that what I really look like? Is that really who I am? Maybe who I am has nothing to do with what I look like?

So why did I feed myself this "I am neglected story?" I am not sure. Perhaps I wasn't asserting my needs clearly enough. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention to my inner self. What I realized this week is that I need to continually ask myself who the real me is and take my stand and step into the light and realize my power. Not judge but observe and reconnect to me without all the window dressing.

How old are you?

2008-04-27T19:48:00.010-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about age lately. The lovely women I work with in my life coaching practice sometimes seem older than they are because of the pressure and burdens they place upon themselves. The guilt they carry is as deep and wide as the number of "should's" on their lists of things to do. I know that their exhaustion is much more than a physically demanding schedule.

On the other end of the spectrum I have beautiful, wise-beyond their years, nieces who seem much older than their tender ages. They are thoughtful and funny and very wise. They can be reflective and have insights that are so unexpected from someone so young. I marvel at them.I myself feel much younger than forty and know I look at least 30 on my good days. I bought my first real expensive pair of Lucky jeans this weekend and I know I felt maybe 20 if not a "totally psyched" 16 year old. As I started at my butt, in the 3 way mirror I was thinking -- how old am I really? Is it physical or just mental or a combination of both?

If age is in part a mental state what keeps you young? I think in part it is extreme self care. Not just vigilance but healthy eating, exercise, love, companionship, and mental exercise. Clearing out the clutter and doing a brain dump of all the crap we so easily carrying around and accumulate over the years. It is noise and confusion and worry. Yoga, meditation, and exercise are activities that lend themselves to moving mental clutter. Also talking to supportive and loving friends, spouses, and colleagues can help. Therapy and life coaching can also help. Sometimes we forget we also have ourselves to rely on. I frequently have conversations with myself to try to sort things out.

How do you measure your age? I am glad not to be 20 again in terms of experience and a much improved self image. I wish however, sometimes I could go backwards in time with the same knowledge and experience I have as a 40 year old. But, that would be cheating wouldn't it? The only yearning would be to have some of that perceived sense of freedom. Somehow the world was yet undiscovered. I suppose the only limitations are the ones inside my own 40 year old head but don't tell my 20+ body it can't surf just yet.

I am NOT my thoughts

2008-04-16T13:52:00.023-04:00

I have been reading Tolle's book "A New Earth." I love the statement "I am not my thoughts". It helps me confirm that if I am having a "limited thinking" or "black and white" kind of a day I can step outside that negative thought, observe it and let it be just a thought and NOT what defines me. I feel free and liberated when I remember this even if it is only momentarily.

I went to a book signing and lecture by my mentor, Martha Beck the other night. She is just so good at what she does. She is a like a laser beam. She focuses so sharply and eloquently on negative thinking in her new book "Steering by Starlight." I love her to death and I am an admitted and unabashed Martha Beck groupie (kind of like a dead-head but no drugs -- we get blissed out on life man!) She was talking about how it is our thoughts about our story that cause us pain. As humans we are the only animals that can create and anticipate a fear response that is actually worse that the pain we might actually encounter. Meaning what we think about a future painful event is actually worse than the pain itself.

The Dalai Lama wrote about it in his book, "Healing Anger" that we actually spend more time and energy holding onto pain than dealing with it and actually feeling it. Like we can control our fear? Who are we kidding? More like our fears are controlling us.

I understand being consumed with protecting oneself from pain. In part, I believe the weight I dragged around for so many years was a way of being insulated from pain I expected to come my way as well as holding onto hurt from my past. I thought it was a way of "protecting" myself. My pain (past and future) seemed very real and very scary. When I started to confront it -- where it came from, why I was holding onto it -- it actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was very difficult but the process of dealing with the pain for me was like immersing myself in a very hot bath tub. Easily and slowly I slid my toe in and would see how long I could stand it. Then I would put a whole foot, then my legs, then my torso and then finally the rest of my upper body -- head obviously last (ironic, yes!). For me, feeling and processing the pain of past hurts had a lot to do with negative thoughts I inherited from my family like "bad things are going to happen" and "you can't trust anyone" as well as not ever seeing anger expressed in a healthy way. So wrapped up in my tight bundle of pain was my anger protecting my fear. I was like a huge psychic hairball. I had to cough it up and expel it from my system.

I have realized that MYSELF is always changing and evolving. I am not constant from one moment to the next. This is not to stay that I am unstable or inconsistent. But instead I am fluid and responsive to my environs both inside and out. At my core, I am peaceful and flexible. I am floating in a sea of dreamy, exquisite golden light. At my core, I am all light -- no holes, no gaps. At my core, I am part of everything as much as it is me.

I am able to find this core when I meditate and when I do karate. My mind is quiet and I can see, hear, and observe in a much larger scope of vision. I am connected to myself and everything around me. And the most unusual thing happens. My mind goes quiet. My mental ticker tape stops and I am completely unaware of rapid fire thoughts or feelings. It is like a lake without any ripples. Now don't I sound zen? It doesn't happen if I think about it or force it. If I relax into it is comes to me or I drift towards it. It is definitely and easing into it sensation.

Listening to and being in touch with what my body needs or what my heart truly desires is different from being consumed with what my thoughts are at the time. Sometimes my thoughts and what I actually need at the time are at odds. My body is tired and needs sleep but my thoughts tell me "I am hungry". When I am frustrated with myself and trying to learn a new move in karate class sometimes my monkey mind jumps up and tells me "you are so stupid and too old to be in a karate class" and then "skip class and go shopping instead." I have been artfully observing these negative thoughts. I hear them, notice them and acknowledge them with a "pat on the head" and say "that's nice. I consciously begin and end my karate class thanking myself for peacefully and blissfully not listening to these thoughts about how old I am or that I should be spending money instead of trying new things. Some of these thoughts are instinctively designed to protect me from my fear of failure. This thought is my Achilles heal. For me it always comes back to this - I am not good enough and will fail.

I can't tell you how liberating it is NOT to think for any period of time. When my mind stops I feel connected to my peaceful core and I feel like I can accomplish anything. It is like floating or flying for me.

Here are just some of my internal thoughts right this second (in no order of importance):

*my blog sucks and who would want to read my own internal dialogue

*I fear judgement that I am not creative or intellect or eloquent

*does my butt look big in these pants?

*I am awesome and I kick ass!

*I am so psyched to be the age I am now and not a smoker and can climb 3 flights of stairs without being out of breath.

*where did my butt go?

*how great is my job that while I am at work I can write in my blog?

*I will get fired for writing on my blog while at work.

*The guy who sits behind me has a good phone voice.

*Probably because he smokes too many cigarettes.

*I am so glad I am not 20-something years old again.

*I can be 40 and still be cool.

*why do I care about being cool?

Thankfully, I can laugh and observe these random thoughts. Notice anything? Any trends? I think a lot about what other people think of me. When I get to observe and step outside of my thoughts, I begin to question this. Do I really care what other people think? Should I really care what other people think? I care what I think. Then I think I am NOT my thoughts.

Not everyone gets a seat at the table

2008-03-27T13:44:00.007-04:00

I have observed and want to comment on what seems like a lovely and altruistic idea that I have seen with both family and friends. They hold this notion out like a great candle and invite all to see. The idea is this "there is always room for one more at the table." I find this is greatly flawed because you do not actively and selectively screen who you allow at the table with you. If everyone holds equal weight in your life how do you determine who gets your time? If everyone holds equal weight then someone you just met (and may not have your best intentions at heart) can get as close to you as your best friend? Does that seem right to you? It definately doesn't work for me.

Friends and boyfriends cannot be created like sea-monkeys -- just add a little water and bingo insta-buddy. It takes time to know and grow any kind of relationship. I think some of these folks have broken filters. They let in too many and too much -- without discriminating.

People -- family, friends, especially boyfriends, -- either bring light,laughter, and love into your life or they DRAIN YOU OF YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY.

When you allow everyone to have equal weight in your life you give away a precious commodity (your time and energy and your specialness). That may sound cheesy but it is a lesson I have learned and know to be true.

It is not selfish to think of your time and your life as being precious and look only to associate, befriend or date people who lift you up and who work hard to love you the way you need it.

Anyone (even in jest) who would speak to in a degrading way is not someone worth your time. As my spouse says, "Dump their ass! Kick them to the curb!"

I try really hard to find and allow people in my life who have qualities I admire or aspire to. My spouse is one of them. He is honest, forthright, and always the first one to apologize when he is wrong (even more so than me). He thinks of me first and I always like and admire the qualities he has. He has never told me to "shut up" or called me a 'bitch" or ever, ever spoke to me in any other way other than respectful. I can't always say that I have done the same. It doesn't mean he is perfect but instead we have a equal partnership.

I wish the same for you, my family, my friends, my lovely sweet intelligent nieces and nephews. If you were in front of me I would say this, "You are so smart and have so much to offer. I know you are young and on a journey and haven't quite worked everything out. That is to be expected. I just wanted to let you know that I am not judging you but trying to offer you advice. I want to see you have people in your life that offer you as much as you offer them."

Ultimately, it is about creating healthy boundaries in your life so can protect yourself and expend your energy on yourself first then selectively on others you care about and return the favor.

I see so many friends and family literally "spinning their wheels" drained of all their energies trying to get others to love them the way they need to be loved. It is pointless and fruitless and makes them so very unhappy. A good friend of my likes everyone equally. She will arrive present in hand at the birthday party of some acquaintance and wonder why she has no time for herself and is stressed out at her job. I once asked her why she assumes she likes everyone when she doesn't screen them. How can she have something in common with everyone she meets? That is just not possible.

I have 2 images that come to mind. One is so very simple from aviation. When you are flying and the cabin depressurises, you are instructed to fit your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else (including your own children). Why?Because if you are oxygen deprived you cannot ever help anyone -- including yourself! Secondly, if you strapped a bag of sand on your back and it slowly leaked out where would your trail lead? Would you be leaving great heapfuls of sand with people you barely know? Now imagine the sand is gold (or in this economy gasoline). Would you make different choices with your time?

In My Dreams

2008-03-06T14:58:00.022-05:00

I am the Good horse -- This was a very happy and peaceful dream. I was cross-country skiing at night in Iceland with Viggio Mortensen. Sounds like one of those crazy improv skits? Also in between destinations we were looking at hand thrown ceramics and artwork in different galleries. Now why Viggio in Iceland? I connect him with Iceland because of his book "The Horse is Good" he has a photograph of an Icelandic horse (which are my favorite horses). Also Iceland was one of the considered locales for "Lord of the Rings". Having been there on vacation a couple of years ago it does remind me in terms of atmosphere of middle earth like in scenes from the "Rings" movies. Viggio is one of my favorite actors and I consider him my "secret boyfriend." I love this phrase -- it comes from a funny game my nieces used to play called "Who is your secret boyfriend?" I used to like to play it with them and have the boys be boyfriends with each other. They would laugh and thought this was a riot. But, I digress. Why Iceland? Why pottery? Why were we exercising and shopping? Weird huh? Back up a second, I know you may ask me (I asked myself this question) you were in Iceland with "The King", Mr. "I speak a zillion different languages and have eyes that would burn through your soul" and you were cross-country skiing and shopping for pottery? I know, it just wasn't that kind of dream.

In my real trip to Iceland it was Fall and there was not a lot of snow but a lot of rain. I did ride an Icelandic horse but did not buy any pottery. I did see the Northern lights and it was amazing. They were these electric greenish purple hues dancing in the dark liquid sky. It was very dream like.

My dreamland-Iceland was similar to Vermont in winter except darker and with beautiful dreamy green shimmering Northern Lights streaking across the sky. There were no roads and everything was covered in snow. So, peaceful and quiet.

At some point I was riding a beautiful red Icelandic horse with a blond mane and tail. The most exciting part of the dream was when I became the horse. I remember hearing my hooves patter in the snow and feeling comforted in the sound of the bells on my bridal. Icelandic horses have this wonderful special trot called a "troit". It is unique to the breed of horse and it makes them look like they are gliding. Exactly what I was doing in my dream. Gliding. Feeling that freedom of movement. Almost floating. I was strong and sure footed. I knew what my purpose was -- in the most basic sense -- was to move through the snow.

What do I learn from this? Why did I have this dream? What is it telling me?
One of the most interesting exercises in life coaching is using dream analysis to inform you of your own inner dialogue. I ask myself these questions in relationship to my horse dream and realize that I am sure-footed emotionally and now am beginning again to enjoy movement again after having lost 120 lbs. Since, I have literally dumped a lot of baggage I was dragging around I realized that I enjoy movement again. Since my weight-loss there is a freedom that I haven't had in a long time. I was curious as to what Viggio was up to these days and when I looked him up on the web I discovered he is having a photography exhibit at the Reykjavik Photography Museum. So very interesting...

The green Northern lights featured prominently in my dream and to me relates to the green chakra. When green is activated, the person has reached an emotionally deeper understanding of oneself and of others. The green chakra lets the person understand that there is a living, fragile person inside who needs and deserves love. Hello -- this is me! I need this reminder. Sometimes I feel like a tootsie pop -- tough outer shell covering a soft gooey inside.

I believe strongly in animals as signs and symbols in our lives. The Horse totem conveys freedom and the power that comes with being free. Those with this totem are teachers to their partners, friends and family showing them how to stand solid within themselves. Individuals who choose to be involved with a horse person do so because the need for self empowerment is strong. Because horse medicine people hold the energy of power their leadership and teaching skills are usually in demand. Intuitive and wise they make excellent therapists. They enjoy helping others but often feel as if there is no one to lead or teach them. Horses give their riders the safety of speed and the promise of adventure. If horse has come to you, you are being offered a gift of safe movement. Is there somewhere that you want or need to go? A Horse can help you get there, whether the place is physical or spiritual. Is their a new venture you want to undertake? Call on horse to help you create it. Are there challenges in front of you that you dot want to deal with? If so, the horse asks you to awaken your inner power and move forward with courage. During my new venture as a life coach I feel secure in my abilities to help others but sometimes doubt myself and stop from moving forward. I work on curing my doubt by believing in myself.

The other elements were a sense of peace in my life and the ability to access art and creativity. I look forward to find more ways to invite art into my life.

Autistic Artist -- This dream was more anxiety producing and had to do with my struggle to express myself adequately. I was an autistic artist who speaks French, Spanish, Chinese and sign language. In English I struggle to get the words out and they choke in my throat. I was wearing a head set (like a telemarketer) and a bright yellow outfit that I looked smashing in and I was told to sing a song for the audience. I felt confident that I knew the words but the music started and I realized it was the wrong song playing. I realized I didn't know the words so I just tried to fake them. It didn't go over well. As I walked around the room I realized sprinkled throughout my audience was every evil, awful, boss I ever worked for. Sitting there, mumbling to themselves and just shaking their crazy heads and criticizing me for my "shortcomings". I was torn between feeling proud and and being embarrassed that I tried to fake my way through something and not asking for help. Wow, I just realized that last part as I was writing it. Trying to fake my way through and not asking for help has been a recurring theme in my life. I have worked very hard to realize it is NOT a shortcoming to recognize and ask for help. In fact, I have been quite proud that I learned this lesson this year and put it into action.

In my dream each language I spoke expressed a different mood or feelings. I think French was for passion and play, Chinese was something about connecting to the exotic or completely other than me. Spanish was second nature since I used to speak and write it fluently. Sign language was interesting because it was deeply personal and a way to connect on a different level with another person.

Signing or performing in front of an audience is something I haven't done in a very long time. But, always fully enjoyed and was good at. The color yellow was interesting, in terms of chakras it relates to Chakra Three: Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition. The yellow chakra is known as the power chakra, located in the solar plexus. It rules our personal power, will, and autonomy, as well as our metabolism. When healthy, this chakra brings us energy, effectiveness, spontaneity, and non-dominating power. So, in essence my dream was about my own personal power and how I let in the criticism of others to diminish my own strength. Again, reaffirming for me to listen to my own intuition and not take in others critique above and beyond my own. ~

Have you had any good dreams lately? Tell me about them and we can do a dream analysis!

Hello and Goodbye

2008-02-15T14:51:00.016-05:00

These past few months, hell even this past year (2007) and into this new year (2008), I have had a lot of different beginnings and endings. Some exciting and some sad. Some puzzling and some frustrating. I feel like singing the jingle from the Target ads...."when I say goodbye you say hello ....hello, hello, I don't know why you say goodbye when I say hello..." Knowing me, I probably got those lyrics wrong. So, my apologies for any misquoted lyrics.

I think of things sometimes in categories and all the changes this past year makes me think in terms of a system that my 6th grade English teacher taught us as a way to categorize literature. She taught us to categorize stories in this way, "Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, and Man vs. Self." For my purposes, I am adjusting the "man" to "person" (yes, I know --- so gender neutral and PC of me -- just deal with it). I loved this system. At the same time it seems neat and tidy as well as being somewhat confining. It works for my purposes as I process my comings and goings.

Person vs. Nature
In November of 2007 my sweet little 14 year old bunny went to happy hunting ground (which is what my family growing up called pet heaven). For rabbits I imagine that as "electrical cord heaven". In "electrical cord heaven" they get to chew things they are not suppose to and every so often someone comes out to chase them away from chewing those cords with an added bonus nothing tries to eat them. I miss her but I relish the choice of how and where to put furniture and not having to "rabbit proof" things. I finally feel I have a fully adult apartment. Hello IKEA goodbye Scooter.

Person vs. Self
In December of 2007, I said "hello" again to an angry, ugly friend named "back pain". This was a friend I was not happy to see again. It tends to rear its ugly face when I am not paying close attention to my own needs. I said "see you later" to my physical mobility for a while with crippling sciatica and suspended feeling in my right big toe (my body's choice not mine.) Both mobility and feeling have slowly returned to me and I am glad that we are on speaking terms these days. I spend a good portion of each day catching up with my body and continuing the dialogue so that the feeling in my toe returns and my mobility continues to improve. My body is my emotional compass. I continue to learn that lesson and realize that this is the first thing that falls off my radar when I press on forward without thinking. Hello yoga and goodbye mindlessly eating cookies (a favoured past-time).

Person vs. Person
In January 2008 I had a long awaited and much anticipated final therapy session with a long-term therapist, whom I had been seeing for the past 4 years. I am very proud of the work I have done with her on my weight, body image, improving my self-esteem and learning to express my needs in an honest forthright manner. In my goodbye note to her, I thanked her for assisting me in "returning me to myself". She helped me tap into my own inner resources in a way that is sustainable. I am very proud of being able to feel good about saying goodbye to her. At the same time I feel sad about the loss of her as my confidante I feel confident that I have internalized the things she has taught me. I can be the advocate I need in my life and I am able to navigate the storm and steer my own ship with confidence. Goodbye Aliki -- hello Felicia.

Person vs. Self
Last year, I said goodbye to a career field (marketing and fundraising) in which I had many successes but I also really started to resent and felt burned out about. I know in my heart that my unhappiness in this career field contributed to my weight gain and allow me to ignore my physical needs and throw myself head long into a work environment that required long hours (more excuses to not exercise or eat right or take care of myself). I said hello with great anticipation as well as trepidation to my new career field as a life coach. I began my training last year and this month I officially became a certified life coach. I feel excited and a little nervous but also very confident that with my skills and training that I deserve to be paid for my services. I still struggle with feeling worthy of being paid but know that it was time to start charging for my services. I was beginning to feel a little resentful of my coaching time. So, I say hello to professional coaching and goodbye to self sacrifice and putting others first.

Person vs. Self
On February 13th 2008 I had my had the one year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. I said hello to my new body and goodbye to the old. It was also so much more than that. It was a transformation from old thinking to new. It was also releasing and letting go of pain and frustration that kept me in my "fat cocoon" for a long time. I said goodbye to a closet full of clothes and shoes and hello to a new wardrobe with lots of amazing different choices. Hello to more and different exercise. Hello to stairs goodbye to elevators. Hello to better eating habits and goodbye to waiting to eat until the end of the day and eating not stop for 4 hours at night. Hello to eating in the open in the daylight and goodbye to hungrily sneaking food. My struggle with good eating habits and daily exercise are ongoing. Emphasis is on DAILY. I would to maintain my investment in me and also to look at my mistakes in terms of relapse prevention. I am not perfect and I WILL make mistakes. However, I say goodbye to beating myself up about those mistakes and instead hello to learning from them.

Person vs. Person
Another thing that I realized, is that even when you change sometimes the people around you don't. I have found some around me also try to resist me changing. I experienced this with different people in my life with their reactions to my weight loss (good, bad, and indifferent). I found some jealous, some trying to sabotage me, some curious, and some completely indifferent. I great many were very supportive. I also experienced this when recently I decided to take my life coaching practice to the next level. People see what they want. Clients take in what they want and tend to categorize information as it suits them. I am lucky that some close to me are unconditionally supportive of me. It is a mixed bag. I have conscientiously decided to conveniently pick and choose which attitudes suit me and write the rest off as "their business". I realize some attitudes I can't change and frankly are not worth trying to change. My energy can best be directed towards me. Goodbye attachments to outcome and hello to allowing change and listening to my needs.

I am Body-Wise?

2007-12-23T22:04:00.001-05:00

How do I listen to my body when it needs rest? Do I listen? What clues does it give me?

Recently, I have been dealing with debilitating back pain and sciatica with shooting, burning pain and numbness down my leg and into my foot. It took this as a serious message from my body for me to stop, take a rest, slow down, and take care of myself.

So many of us ignore our bodies. The physical therapist that I have been seeing put it so aptly. "The louder and angrier the nerve is -- the greater and further the pain is felt." The nerve that was compressed in my back was doing a fantastic job of communicating! I was angry and tired of taking care of other people and putting myself last. I was sad about my rabbit dying and still trying to put my grief aside to coach my clients and take care of their needs.

So much a part of my coaching is coaching myself through the same issues that I will be tackling with my clients. I know this makes me sympathetic and a better coach. Plus it also gives me another tool to practice on myself first and then help others with. So, I have the capacity to be body-wise and need to tune-in to myself to listen.

During this holiday season I will practice this tuning-in as much as I can. I will meditate with a great CD by Belleruth Naparstek called "Relaxation and Wellness" which uses both creative visualization and positive statements that allow me to reinforce this goodwill and "feed my mind" with positive messages. I will continue to feed myself well. Not denying myself tastes of cookies or sweets but also making sure I take my vitamins and supplements and drink my protein shakes, and eat beautiful, colorful, tasty well balanced meals. As my pain subsides and my back improves, I will resist the urge to push and do more than feels good. I will allow my body to continue to heal and rest and enjoy the respite from taking care of others.

I will listen to the anger, feel it, express it, and honor the message. I will not ignore the pain of the loss of my furry friend. I will ask for help when I need it and not expect others to read my mind. I will be grateful that my back improves and that I can continue my friendship with my body, my trusted friend and ally.

I think being Body-wise is being body aware. Not having all the answers but allowing the conversation to continue and keeping the communication open like in any ongoing relationship. Ignoring pain makes it fester.

Rest for the Angry Pirate

2007-12-07T21:49:00.002-05:00

I will share my story more as a cautionary tale so we can all remember to give ourselves a break. Plus you may also get a laugh over it.

The week of thanksgiving I had to put my sweet little 14 year old bunny rabbit to sleep and then I had my long-time therapist call me to cancel our very last appt together (our final - say goodbye and finish therapy appt) and then I had to cook a turkey for my parents (adult children of alcoholics) who both "white knuckle it" through the holidays with "company grins".

Amongst all this I have been coaching my certification client who I dread and every time I talk to I get a stomach ache. She is like visiting a black hole for a little over an hour every week. I spend my days smiling (just got the reference point on that one), trying to ignore my right foot (which was numb), taking pain killers that make me fuzzy, and sitting on an ice pack so I could function, eat dinner, and work everyday.

That holiday weekend I was in the ER because the pain was so bad my whole leg was numb and I had searing hot pain down my leg and back. I was walking around like a pirate w/ a very bad attitude because I also was not sleeping at night from the pain. ARE THERE ENOUGH BODY COMPASS SIGNS TO TELL WHAT IS GOING ON YET?

I had a coaching session w/ my buddy Ginny last week whilst lying on the floor of my living room on my stomach (because I can't sit, stand or walk properly) and balled my eyes out like a baby. She said very simply, "Why don't you take a break?"

It was like the heavens opened up and I heard the harps. I emailed all my clients said I was unavail until January 7th and took an afternoon off from work and bought some books I have been meaning to read and finally felt relief.

I can honestly admit that I feel okay that I don't have a website, or a seminar, or a book, or lots of clients. I don't have a column or blog that anyone reads. But I do have 2 free clients who care about the work we do together. Now I have to stop trying to make the relationship with my certification client work, end it and allow coaching to happen and stop the trying.

I only hobble mildly now, my big toe is still numb but I feel much clearer and loose about the future of my coaching and all things seem easier.

I am the type of person that wants to push, push, push, must go and do and be doing all the time. If I can give myself a break then so can all of you.

I say we all deserve it! I wish you all naps, not thinking too much, not being hard on yourselves, and giving yourself a much needed break. Much love, and light and peace to you all!

Changes

2007-11-23T15:26:00.001-05:00

Last week I celebrated a milestone moment in my weight-loss life. To date I have lost 101 lbs and gone under 200 lbs. I felt really great about this and proud of the hardwork I put into this goal. I also thought wouldn't it be nice to feel this great about myself for having done absolutely nothing at all. Instead just wake up in the morning feeling this way and realize it was a beautiful day. Perhaps something to aspire to in the future.

This week I mourned the loss of my very special little furry friend. My sweet little Scooter Pie rabbit. At the ripe old age of 14 we finally had to put her down because her hips gave out on her. She was a beauty. Very fiesty and full of personality. She was a great communicator and would flip her food plate when she was hungry. When she was thirsty she would put a single poo in her water bowl to remind us to change it. She communicated so very clearly without saying a word.

I realize there is always a mixture of sadness and celebration. No matter where we are in our lives. The only choice we have is how to deal with it.

Light and Dark

2007-09-05T15:05:00.001-04:00

I am really interested in the stories we tell ourselves and each other about our lives. My stories are sharply contrasted with black and white, opposing forces, good and bad. In my logical head I believe in and can acknowledge my life, situations, people, and episodes are filled with shades of gray. Actually, those are the stories I am drawn to most.

As a self-professed "movie junkie" the stories I find most compelling are the ones where the characters are conflicted and the stories have more gray then well defined "good" guys or "bad" guys. I wonder why then I cling to this notion that somehow if I divide my world up into black and white that it makes me safer? Do I think I have more control over things if they fit into neat little cubes?

I always find it amazing when I have dreams in black and white. Has my mind lost the color? I wonder sometimes why this happens and what it means. I know I struggle with myself about my "black and white" thinking. When I am trying to exert control over my world I tend to want things, situations or people to fall into one category or another. Friend vs. Foe. Good vs. Bad. Fun vs. boring. I am especially vulnerable of labeling food in this way. If I eat 'bad" food does it make me bad? I find thinking this way is constraining me. It limits my world and my choices.

So I search furtively for the gray and invite the color into my choices and to illuminate my life. I am learning to live comfortably with unanswered questions and allow for more of a range of possibilities with myself, other people, money, circumstances, and food. I realize "control" is an illusion that doesn't allow for me to live fully but keeps me boxed up and separate from my life. I wonder now how I can consciously allow things into my life or is that me trying to control again?

Blame the messenger - ignore the message?

2007-09-01T13:44:00.001-04:00

I am the messenger. The instigator and the bearer of unglad tidings. I say things that are hard and need to be said. I am standing up for myself and trying to change my situation. I try not to point fingers or blame others for my actions. I take responsibility for my words. I own my own feelings. I ask how I can change my own situation.

I feel burdened and tired and heavy. Like walking through sand. My brain is tired and I don't feel like I can explain myself yet once again to someone else. Do I really need to?

If someone else doesn't understand how I feel does it make what I say less valid? Isn't it valid if only one person feels it?

Ride the wave!

2007-08-21T21:52:00.001-04:00

Yuck! Argh! Woah! Cowabunga dude!

I am riding the wave that has anger, fear, uncertainty and frustration in it. With so many changes in my life in the last 6 months, let alone the last year my head is sometimes spinning from it. At times (most times) I am not even sure how I feel. I am in the wave, on top of the wave, being propelled forward by the wave. And sometimes under the wave waiting to break the surface and re-emerge. Thank god, Buddha and the goddess that I am a good swimmer! I can body surf but I always wanted to learn how to surf with a surf-board. This is emotional surfing.

In the past 6 months I left my long-term group therapy group, had gastric bypass surgery, left a job and a whole career field (marketing and fundraising) for a new one (life coaching). I started a new job (to pay the bills) and now at my 6 month post surgery mark I have hit a weight plateau. oh, yeah and I am also going through the termination process with my therapist/counselor of the past 3 years. I have been to 3 different states in the past 3 months. It is a lot of change. And I can tell myself that change is good. Now I am suppose to be responsible for coaching people through their changes? I feel ready and capable at once then in the next moment I feel totally unprepared and lost. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I ready for this?

My head is swimming from all these changes and sometimes I get frustrated, upset and angry. Sometimes this happens and I get frustrated, upset and angry with myself for getting frustrated, upset, and angry.

When I am riding on top of the wave I have all the confidence in the world. I feel elated and soaring -- like I can do anything. I keep telling myself calmly from my centered "inner SELF" that I know I have developed the tools and skills I need to cope with the changes and I can "ride the wave." I think I am operating at the limits of my comfort zone and there is no safety net.

I went to my gastric bypass support group for support and a BIG reality check -- it was good. I felt much better about the weight plateau. I also calmed down my own internal expectations and realized that I still have a huge attachment to the weight loss, succeeding and being "ahead of the projected goals".....all along i have been putting up big weight loss #s. At my 6 month check in and weight in I was at 55% of goal. So of course, I gave myself a big pat on the back. Because I am ahead. So, even though every morning I repeat to myself a little mantra of "If I never loose anymore weight, I am fine as I am." There is a little rebel inside saying, "Fuck no, I want the weight loss. You can do better." I need to make friends with my little rebel and let her know there is a better way to define success than weight loss numbers.

There was a guy at the support group who gave me a good perspective. He said he lost like .6 lbs during the 6 month and then at the 7 month mark lost 11 lbs. He adjusted the intensity of his workout. There was a speaker at the group who was an Exercise expert who talked about changing your exercise. "Do more yoga" has been on my dream board and I checked out the yoga class schedule at work and found one that is going to work for my schedule so that is good. I know I can take steps to work through it physically. Now the hard work is psychically or meta-physically. The belief that keeps biting me on the ass is "I can always do better." I need to remember and re-believe that "There is no bettering me. I am as I am."

I started to get depressed when I think about all the stuff I need to do to get my coaching business up and running. What comes up for me is "there is always just one more thing that I haven't done." I worry that my "everyone" will judge me and I will come up short. I feel very overwhelmed by it. ARRRRGGGGGHH! I need to remember and re-believe that "there will always be one more thing to do, but I won't come undone if it doesn't get done."

I do have a business name that i like. I am not sure if it is my "tag line" or "catch phrase" or business name. . . "Body-wise" Coaching. I really like it. I want to remain friends or at least on "speaking terms" with my body since it is my longest trusted ally and friend. I want to help and support others to do the same. It is such an important thing and yet I don't think I am "done" with my journey yet either.

On my website (yet to be built) I see the Buddha and a swirling panel of chakra colored lights coming out of the Buddha on the flash intro to my website. Who doesn't like a flashing Buddha?

Okay, for now I am riding the wave. Sometimes I will be in the wave, sometimes under waiting to resurface. I just have to remember that I am a strong swimmer and I can deal with a little sand in my bathing suit.

Feast or Famine

2007-08-01T12:27:00.001-04:00

Frequently I have see the world in "black and/or white" or as my Irish-Catholic upbringing reminds me so eloquently "feast or famine." When the potato famine happened in Ireland and all those ships brought the starving hordes to America Jonathan Swift wrote a famous article about how the Irish could solve this crisis by "eating their own children". Of course, ironic but not entirely wrong.

Martha Beck calls this "all or nothing" thinking the "Inner Lizard". We are all hard-wired with animal instincts that "there is not enough" which is driven by the "flight or fight" response. Like me, when you have struggled with eating issues it presents itself as the "feast or famine." I will eat everything in front of me for there will never be enough to fill the hole....or I will deny myself and eat nothing for the next 24 hours.

Of course, denial is also related to guilt and repentance (another lovely vestige left over when you are a retired Catholic such as myself). Denial increases the urge in me and turns up the fear so it washes up and envelopes me like a huge hungry tidal wave. In these moments, picture me in my kitchen literally shaking from hunger or fear or what have you and trying to eat un-thawed frozen food -- like I will never see another food morsel in my life.

I have been learning that so much of the "feast or famine" is in my head and my heart. Just like Swift was trying to remind his people (my people) there was NO famine in Ireland at this time only a failure of one particular crop -- the potato. Irish people came to America in droves with hungry eyes. It wasn't until they claimed their power in the American society did they squelch their own hunger.

The famine for me was the loneliness and disconnection that I had within myself and thus with other people. The famine for me was both physical and mental. I never needed to look outside myself or to food for comfort. I already had it with in me. I have learned to see the famine as temporary and try to focus on the feast as the best my life has to offer....only sometimes does that include food.

Mostly, I have learned to feast on the love and connections I feel to life around me. I feast on my connections to nature through my garden or through my special little backyard friends. I am learning to find the richness that my own body can offer me. I revel in my ability to feel strong riding my bike or up high on horseback going down a dusty trail.

I am my own companion. My own well-spring of love and life. It was always there. It just took me to find it. Sláinte!

A tribute to my women's group

2007-07-02T19:48:00.001-04:00

List of Tunes for the Group

All of these songs mean something to me, sometimes reminding me of myself or of someone in the group. They are sad, inspiration, hopeful, brave, personal, take risks, and express deep longing for something better. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. -Felicia

For Beth & Donna
“Me” – Paula Cole
The album that this song comes from is called “This Fire” which is all about that fire that burns deep within us and that keeps us driving forward for more. More fun, more love, more personal fulfillment, and even sometimes more work. Sometimes I think I was so anxious to move forward and “fix” a problem that I was unwilling to let myself just reflect or think. For us “high achievers” we cherish the thing that propels us forwards and keeps us productive. It is also sometimes the thing that breaks us down and doesn’t let us take care of ourselves. I am constantly reminded to cherish my “down time” and respect myself enough to allow myself a break or a much needed pat on the back. I wish for you the ability to fail and not feel like a failure. Thank you both for your strength and for the beautiful example you both show me of determination. I wish for you more self compassion and kindness so you can take your lives where you want them to be, claim your fear and expose the joy.

“Nothing is Good Enough” – Aimee Mann
Aimee Mann has one of those not so perfect voices that is both soulful and lovely. This song reminds me of my own inner “critic”. Sometimes she is a little too loud (usually because I am trying to ignore her). I think the song illustrates how we all suffer under the weight of our own criticism (which is usually worse than someone else’s). Ultimately the answer to this question is YES sometimes it is good enough.

“Al Otro Lado del Rio” – From the Motorcycle Diaries Soundtrack
So, this is a song from the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies. It is about Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (who was a central American revolutionary that believed that communism would save his country) and his journey from a medical student to ultimately the leader of a revolution. He takes a motorcycle trip with a friend to see the country (I think Argentina). He is relatively middle class and for the first time in his life experiences how other people live. He goes to work in a leper colony and is deeply moved by the people. One night on his birthday he swims across a river (even though he has asthma) because he wants to spend his time with the lepers. The song is called “The Other side of the River” and it is obviously a metaphor for how we close ourselves off to each other and ourselves. In the song he sings “I see a light on the other side of the river” and it is that epiphany we all have when it occurs to us to step outside our comfort areas. Each and every one of you does that to various degrees every time you come to group. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

For Alison
“All You Need is Love” – The Beatles
Okay, sounds corny I know but having lost a large source of the greatest love, warmth, compassion and your compass in the world (in your Mom) I feel like you need more love. You, my friend give it out to others (especially in the group) ten fold. You have such warmth and compassion for everyone including me in the group. You are the official cheerleader. You are the first one to step up and offer support or try to relate to someone else. I wish for you more self love. For me the answer was love – self love. Perhaps that will help you as well. I wish for you an ease in your burden of grief, that you share that pain and loss with the group and in the process receive what you so willingly give to others.

For Anne
“Pavement Cracks” – Annie Lennox
Annie Lennox created this fantastic album called “Bare”. On the cover she has little or no makeup and is naked. The songs on this album are personal and I think she bares her soul. I love how personal they are. It reminds me of how honest and true you are Anne. I looked to you in group a lot to lead me the way and take the chances with your emotions. I have learned so much from the chances you have taken in group. “Love don’t show up in the pavement cracks. All my watercolors fade to black. I am going nowhere and I’m ten steps back. All my dreams are falling fast.” Okay, that sounds depressing but believe me it is not.

For Kristina
“Blackbird” – The Beatles
Beautiful. Hopeful. Seize the moment and fly. I love this song. It is a little bitter sweet and that is how I will think of you. My wish for you is internal peace.

For Patty
“I will not be broken” – Bonnie Raitt
I play this song everyday. At least once a day. I think of it as my anthem. It gives me strength. Bonnie Raitt is so cool. I like to picture myself onstage with her signing this song. I don’t have a great signing voice but I love to sing this song. I don’t really care how bad I sound. Patty, sing it loud and proud – think of me. “Take me down, you can hold me but you can’t hold what’s within. Maybe I may bend. But, I know where I am not going. I will not be broken. I will not be someone other than who I am.” You said it Bonnie. Patty you one of the strongest people I know. You are flexible and strong and may bend but NOT break. I can’t wait to see you “kick asses and take names” and fully step into your own, famous artist and all.

“I am not my hair” – India.Arie
Okay, so it’s about black girl's hair but I relate to the idea that we are way more that our hair, our clothes, or what’s on the outside. “We are the soul that lives inside.” Who doesn’t have a picture of that doomed “Dorothy Hammill” gone wrong (oh, yeah I had that). Martha Beck believes that when you are going through some sort of life change you get your haircut. Change your hair – change your life. ‘Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?”

SONGS YOU SHOULD BUY JUST BECAUSE...

“Beautiful Flower” – India.Arie
Great song! “We are moving from the darkness into the light. This is the defining moment of our lives. Cuz you’re beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, powerful like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind, there is nothing in this world that you cannot do when you believe in you.” Go to ITUNES and buy it NOW. It costs .99 cents and the money goes to Oprah’s Leadership Academy for girls in South Africa. You are all beautiful flowers.

For Aliki
“What do you hear in these sounds?” – Dar Williams
Have you ever heard a song dedicated to a therapist? This is the first one I ever heard. I love the lyrics if you can get past Dar William’s voice which borders on annoying. “I don’t go to therapy to find out if I’m a freak” Now, I know my relationship with Aliki isn’t that neurotic. “Oh, how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk about myself”. As I said the other night, I thank you for being a “talented gardener” that tends to each of us (being a flower in different stages of blossoming). I feel the surge of love when I feel your warm rays of praise focused in my direction. Here are the lyrics….

Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent.
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent.
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something, But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...And she saysOooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?

And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????
I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your pastIts all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?

"and.......Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaahWhat do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............
And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworksAnd I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...andOooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these......that's what I hear in these SOUU OUUUN NNNDS!

I will miss Tuesday nights! Love to you all!

New Year, New Life, New You

2007-03-20T12:09:00.001-04:00

I had Gastric Bypass Surgery on February 13th of this year. I told only a small group of family and friends. I did not tell my parents or my brother. I made this decision because I didn't feel I would get the support I needed or deserved from them. Sometimes I feel guilty about this but mostly I feel that it was the right decision.

It's a new year and I am starting to learn to eat all over again. Everything is baby steps and in the beginging it was sometimes baby food literally. I had to learn how to be kind and forgiving to myself. Hold my own hand.

The surgery was the "easy" part. All the stuff afterwards was the hard part (and still is). Some days I feel completely on top of things....others I feel completely plowed under by them. Food is omnipresent. Sometimes I feel afraid of it. Like introducing new people into my life. I am distrusting of it. Will it make me sick? Will my new stomach like it? It is a forced process of mindfulness. I appreciate all the things that surgery has taught me about myself.

I feel like I can do anything. Before I might have known I was capable but didn't necessarily believe it. Now I believe it and feel it. Right down to my toes.

My body has changed so drastically. I knew I was in there under all that flesh or fat or cushion or what-have-you. I look back at that other Felicia and I want to give her a hug. She doesn't repulse me or disappoint me. I feel nothing but love and sympathy for her. She worked soooo hard. She was sooo sad sometimes. She thought she had to do it all herself. She was afraid to ask for help. Afraid to be weak.

Circular Logic

2007-01-01T16:44:00.001-05:00

Who is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. What is it? If I don't believe in myself then no one else will. Don't talk myself out of doing it. Talk to myself and work it out. Outside of my own head -- inside it is too noisy. I need to please myself and fulfill my aspirations. What are my aspirations? I am not sure. If I am not sure how can I fulfill then? If I don't know what they are then how can I find them? How can I find me?

My Life Purpose?

2006-12-30T15:33:00.001-05:00

I think about my life purpose often. Meditate on it. Practice mindful observation. I earnestly stretch my palms out to the world and ask the universe for guidance. The response I get back, over, and over -- continuously in every shape and form -- is that my life's purpose is not written out. It is mine to create. It is mine to own. It is uniquely mine. I sigh.

I would love it to be all mapped out like a nicely written wanted ad. "Your life purpose is as a highly sucessful blabba-blah. You will be paid handsomely. You will be rewarded for your hard work and interpersonal skills. People will adore you. You will love what you do."

I am not sure if my life's work and my next job are the same thing. I think that there are probably levels into between to get there. Another big sigh.

Why can't someone pay me just to be me? Insightful, seeing things other people don't, making connections between people and concepts. Those firecracker kind of insights that come to me in a blink of an eye. Usually with the kind of humor you can't manufacture but that just comes and is funny just because you are not trying to be funny. Okay, so I can't be the "white Oprah."

I have done the visualization of what my "future workplace" looks like. I have this great office with lots of windows. Mostly glass and transparent. Lots of natural wood, calming soothing colors and tones. There were multi-generational employees. Young kids and mature adults all in the same place. Lots of natural light and plants. A central courtyard with a pond of coi fish and a beautiful japanese garden with life-size zen sand and rake area. Lots of calm but good energy. I was in charge of this place. Is it a school? A multi-generational residence community? It seems like it is a modern building. Maybe somewhere like California?

So, I admire the universe's choice for me....but also feel the burden of having to come up with something unique, that reflects me, and is multi-generational. I resist my own gifts.

Why couldn't I just be a doctor or a lawyer or something already written down? I don't feel like being an explorer today. I need a nap or to kick my own butt.

Why do bullies get promoted?

2006-11-13T15:13:00.001-05:00

I ponder this in the workplace world often. Why do bullies get promoted?

These are the people in the workplace usually no one likes and don't play well with the other kids. They are mean, loud, cruel, and generally ill-behaved. If they were kids they would be the ones on the playground with a humpy-little-beast of a side kick and some sort of hulking persona.

Other kids stay clear and fear but not exactly respect them.

In the work place they get promoted. The "higher ups" see them as "go getters" and employees who get the job done. But, at what cost?

Another example that proves to me that workplace is just an adult version (a sometimes only mildly adult) of the playground. There is a tattle tale, a geek, a jock, a gossip, a shy kid, the popular kid, and yes of course the Bully.

Wounded Bird

2006-06-28T10:25:00.001-04:00

Flapping around on the ground with your wing held out
Swaking and crying and making a fuss
Are you wounded or faking?

Wounded bird, wounded bird, wounded bird

Scoop you up and hold you in the palm of my hand
Mend your wing so you can fly again

Wounded bird, wounded bird, wounded bird

I feel your delicate little heart beat as fast as your wings
Did I heal you or did you heal yourself?

I open my hands to the world and you fly away
No longer a wounded bird

Just me (words borrowed from Paula Cole)

2006-05-24T19:19:00.001-04:00

Me (Lyric by Paula Cole, from her album This Fire)

I am not the person who is speaking
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my job
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

CHORUS:
And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

Chorus

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love (6 times)

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know
That I love (5 times overlapping chorus)
But it's me And it's me But it's me (4 times)

Daily Squirrel Report

2006-03-31T19:07:00.001-05:00

Tippee, our resident female has been with us for over a year now. She is smart and engaging. She has a beautiful white streak down the end of her tail so she is clearly identified. She has had at least 3 nests of babies and still comes round to get nuts from us. We admire her paretning skills as she shows her newest juvenile the "ropes". Nell is clearly Tippee's offspring. She has the same tall ears and sweet ways that her momma has. Nell likes to copy her momma and lie on the railing of the porch and retrieve peanuts from us. She is just a bit nervous that momma-Tippee will discover her on the porch and reproach her with a chase. Nell is a bit of drama queen and when Tippee gets too close she squeaks as if Tippee has bitten her. Tippee is gentle but firm with Nell. She lets her get her share of nuts but Tippee always wants first dibs.

Met a small grey friend in the park today. He had a stubby black tail. So, I named him Stubby. He was shy at first but then he decided that we wouldn't try to eat him. He chattered his teeth nervously but in the end didn't completely run away. He spied on me from a branch above my head.

Also met a beautiful Malamute that was 10 years old. He was so fluffy and soft like a big teddy bear. I pet his ears and they were so soft. He barked at his owners because he wanted to move on and chase birds.

I love our furry friends.

Oprah and the plastic bag dream

2006-03-31T18:59:00.001-05:00

I had a dream the other night that I was chasing a plastic bag in the air. As the wind carried it so I was also lifted in the air. As I grabbed for it I was pulled along by it.

I was in the Chicago O'Hare Airport running through the airport chasing my plastic bag when it zig-zagged and gently tapped someone on the back. It was Oprah. She was sitting in a cafe with Gayle and they were having some coffee. I had a choice do I stop and talk to Oprah or chase the plastic bag.

I chose the plastic bag and out of no where starting floating and flying again. Oprah turned around and said "This coffee is very good." Gayle said, "un huh."