My friend and I were talking the other day about needing and wanting approval from our mentor and also dreading having our "need" exposed to our colleagues. As we chatted back forth we both admitted that being exposed in our families growing up had bad consequences. We know and acknowledged that this has shaped our viewpoints. We talked about judging our colleagues who put their "neediness" out there on display for all to see. Several members in our group are obvious in their desire for attention and very honestly put it out there for all to see. I feel like I am witnessing the human equivalent of the wolf pack greeting the alpha wolf by licking her face.I can't decide whether I admire my colleagues in displaying their honest desires and judge them for exposing their needs or if I judge them because I am jealous of their ability to put it out there. I also wonder if I judge them because I feel exposing themselves in such a raw manner is somehow "weak" or "needy". I know I find it disquieting and want to look the other way (in the same way I can't watch "American Idol" I hate seeing people embarrass themselves. It makes me cringe inside.)
Our mentor is someone who has the ability to inspire you not from "on high" but from sitting next to you and being your colleague. She always makes me feel that my opinion or viewpoint is as valid as hers. I respect and admire her greatly. I also love it when she pats me on the back and tells me I have done well. I think I have the same needs that everyone else has. I want attention, I want to be noticed for my achievements, I want approval. The part that I struggle with is how much am I will to expose myself and admit my need in public or amongst my group of colleagues. I think as a child I was confused by needing and wanting the attention and being told explicitly to avoid this attention.
I come from a family where standing out and being noticed was discouraged. So I found ways to circumvent this principle. I played softball and somehow ending up being the star pitcher on the team and pitched a perfect game but I didn't break any family rules because not one member of my family was watching. I was a gymnast for many years and learned to master the round off flip off the end of the balance beam (again no family members witnessed it so it didn't count). As a young student I was a good actor and got lead parts in all the plays. But, I still had a mandate to blend in. This was hard because I was talented, bright, and attractive. So I easily got attention without looking for it.
Sometimes I achieved this "blending-in" in school by hanging out grade-wise around the middle of the class -- in my own way underachieving or achieving enough so I had good grades and sometimes "A's" but was never at the top of the class. I hovered comfortably around the middle of the pack. Actually I found out my class ranking in high school was exactly 105 out of a class of 200. I was exactly the middle.
So the way I try to keep my honest and open and in the moment is admit that I want and like the attention. Allow myself to want it and seek it in a way that is true to me and yet doesn't make me feel like I am inflating my accomlishments to seek that approval helps me be true to myself. I also allow myself to be honest about needing help and wanting attention. But, when I stop and think about why I want that validation I realize that it feels good to be noticed. It feels good to be able look inside myself and acknowledge that the approval that is most important is not that of my mentor (don't get me wrong I still like a pat on the back and to hear her say "good job - I am so impressed") but the most important thing is my own approval. The most self-satisfying thing for me is being impressed with my own accomplishments and giving myself a pat on the back for a job well done. I try not to judge my colleagues harshly who need more attention or validation.
It is good that they seek what they need and satisfy their needs for acknowledgement and approval. Sometimes it also feels good not to need it but to be able to give it to yourself. That is the kind of self-reliance I would love to be able to give to my clients as a coach. I would love them to feel "full enough" emotional, psychically, mentally, and physically not need or want my approval but to be concerned about satisfying their own sense of ego and giving themselves that pat on the back.
