The Brayden Family Plan

Summary: A complex family drama with 4 main characters. Each identity is unique but some resemble others. There is a subtext to all conversations and hidden meanings to what is said. There is generally a sense to all observers that the denial is so thick that there could be a dead pink elephant carcass rotting in the middle of the room and the family would ignore it and continue talking about the weather. Although these characters may resemble real people names have been altered to protect the author.

The players:

Mother = Patricia
Father = Bruce
Brother = Patrick
Sister = Me (Katie)

Character's backstory:

Name: Mother or Momma
Nickname: The Director, Friend
Zodiac sign: Taurus the bull (yes as stubborn)

Life Philosophy: Conspiracy theories in general are true. Every obstacle in her life can be attributed to "My father" aka - Bruce. She is late for something if she is less than 15minutes early. Her world view should be shared by all. Sees the world thru rose or "shit" colored glasses. There is no in between. She runs the show.

Likes: conspiracy theories, natural disasters and gadgets. The Ocean. Buying clothes and spending money. Obessive and irrational love of anything Boston College including Doug Flutie and the campus. Keeping up appearances.

Dislikes: The Church, The Red Sox owners, Men, George Clooney, The political LEFT (aka LIBERALS), Mayor Menino, Bill "Bastard" Clinton, speaking directly about an issue or subject.

Fears: bugs (flying or crawling), tunnels, elevators, sleeping flat, airplanes, heights, and
seeing people in the store that might recognize her, driving (doesn't have a licsence and doesn't know how to), also drowning and suffocating.

In a past life was: a Jewish Yenta

In the next life: Wants to come back as "stupid but beautiful"

Occupation: a kindergarden teacher for over 25 years even though she hated it. Still talks to adults and grownups like a teacher.

Secret ability: to turn anything positive into a negative also to turn a conversation about anything into a story about herself. Despite all these flaws has a good sense of humor. Beautiful singing voice.

In the movie version would be played by: Vicki from One Life to Live or Laura Linney

***

Name: Father or Daddy
Nickname: The Sleeper, Mister, Speedy
Zodiac sign: Pisces the Fish

Life Philosophy:Believes most if not all service people are "crooks" out to swindle you and take your money. This list would include but is not limited to gas station service people, plumbers, carpenters, landscapers, electricians, house painters, contrators, oil burner service men, etc. Is the opposite of "handy". Does not recognize he has no ability to "fix" any thing. Has a large tool and machinery collection which is improperly stored and used. When he does go to "fix" something usually makes it worse and ends up breaking it and needing to call one of the "crooks" mentioned above. He is a passenger.

Likes: any kind of sweet or dessert that is store-bought, cash, playing poker, gambling, getting a good deal on something, reading books, crossword puzzles, napping

Dislikes: throwing things away, new people, places or things, surprises, credit cards and banks. Does not have any credit cards and used to hide money under the mattress and in the radiator in the bathroom.

Fears: speaking up, spending money, doctors, surgery and the hospital.

In a past life was: mad scientist

In the next life wants to be: the captain of a his own boat

Occupation: manual laborer

Secret Ability: Passive - Aggressive. Very muddy communicator who cannot give proper directions and will answer simple questions with a pause and some strange combination of words that don't make sense put together. Although when no one can think of the name of someone who wrote a jazz song or what kind of exoitic dog we encounter at the park he will be the one to pull the answer from mid-air....Drave Brubeck....and Rhondeisan Ridgeback. Has the ability to love those who don't deserve it.

In the movie version would be played by: Cary Grant or Gregory Peck

***

Name: Patrick or Brother
Nickname: The baby or The Thing that lived in the basement
Zodiac Sign: Taurus the Bull (yes just as stubborn)

Life Philosophy: But what about me?

Likes: Very expensive clothing, trendy music and movies, going on vacation, exercising, animals

Dislikes: anything culturally relevant, anyone smarter, prettier or has a better job than himself
Fears: being alone or upsetting his girlfriend, eating too much, and being fat

In a past life was: a Prince

In the next life wants to be: Martin Scorcesse

Occupation: graphic designer

Secret Ability: scarey bright but so extremely disorganized it makes you think otherwise. A funny dark sense of humor.

In the movie version would be played by: Christian Bale or Noah Wyle

***

Name: Katie or Sister
Nickname: Buttons, Friend, Stinky
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn the goat

Life Philosophy: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, growing up in my family I always thought I was adopted.

Likes: Sci-fi, good books, films that make you think, crying while watching Oprah or that Extreme Home Makeover show, animals, working in the garden, observing people

Dislikes: ignoring the obvious, going along with the crowd, lying, rude or hurtful behavior, not having it all figured out, exercising, people who think they're funny when they're not

In a past life: was a freedom fighter or Xena Warrior Princess

In the next life: would be a doctor and never "play stupid" so boys would like me in school

Occupation: working on that

Secret Ability: to see and smell the rotting pink elephant carcass in the middle of the room, loving her family but sometimes still not understanding or liking them, rapid fire thoughts

In the movie version would be played by: Angelina Jolie or Elizabeth Taylor

***

Conversation with my MOTHER

I am just starting to realize conversations with my MOTHER are really just another opportunity for her to talk about herself. She is a strange almost Quixotic creature. All those conspiracy fantasies, plus all that aniexty and primordial goop mixed in with a little Yenta-guilt and you got my MOTHER.

Here is a transcript of a typical conversation...one oh, say we had just the other day....

Me: "Hi Momma."

M: "Hi, Dear, oh you sound better."

Me: "Yes, I am getting over my chest cold. The doctor thinks I have asthma which is wierd but..."

M: "Did you tell them that you have allergies and that I had you tested as a baby?"

Me: "Yes, and the Doctor asked me if I smoked or my parent's did growing up?"

M: "Oh, I didn't smoke heavily. Only off and on."

Me: "Yes, well my chest is less wheezy and now I have 2 different kinds of inhalers. The only thing that bothers me is the tight raspy feeling in the upper chest. Like heartburn."

M: "Oh, I know. Whenever I got a chest cold. I always got pneumonia. Then I would need to sleep on an incline because I felt like I couldn't breathe and that I was suffocating. Then I would panic and ..."

Me: "That would make it worse. .."

M: "and I would wake myself up because I would think I hear someone humming. Because the wheezing in the chest would make that humming noise. So then I couldn't sleep because I was panicked and thought someone else was in the room."

Me: "Perhaps next time that happens you could sleep upright in a chair...with a pitch fork in one hand to ward off potential attackers and a tin can alarm string rigged to the door for security alarm...."

M: "Very funny. Well, I have to get going I just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that I returned your call."

Me: "Yah, I know you get credit for the call. I marked it on the sheet. [to myself] thanks for sharing."

Now you must think, "Wow is she a bitch to her mom?" But the Connie chronicles are long and vast with huge amounts of self piety, martydom, and aniexty ridden projected fantasies. So I have 38 years worth of angst pent up......to unlease. It comes out in small, crooked, sacastic ways when she brings up absurd things like sleeping upright. She reminds me of a child with an overactive imagination.

I know I am not alone with my "MOTHER issues". It reminds me of one of my favorite movie lines from Albert Brooks in MOTHER with Debbie Reynolds. They are talking on the phone and in the middle of a conversation in a light, airy tone Debbie Reynolds says, "Last time I saw you dear, I just thought you could look. . . better." AB says, "Thanks Mom. I am going to go now." DB says, "I love you dear."AB says in that same light airy tone, "Well, I know you think you do. Okay, bye-bye."

....now we know why Norman Bates went crazy!