Conversation with my MOTHER

I am just starting to realize conversations with my MOTHER are really just another opportunity for her to talk about herself. She is a strange almost Quixotic creature. All those conspiracy fantasies, plus all that aniexty and primordial goop mixed in with a little Yenta-guilt and you got my MOTHER.

Here is a transcript of a typical conversation...one oh, say we had just the other day....

Me: "Hi Momma."

M: "Hi, Dear, oh you sound better."

Me: "Yes, I am getting over my chest cold. The doctor thinks I have asthma which is wierd but..."

M: "Did you tell them that you have allergies and that I had you tested as a baby?"

Me: "Yes, and the Doctor asked me if I smoked or my parent's did growing up?"

M: "Oh, I didn't smoke heavily. Only off and on."

Me: "Yes, well my chest is less wheezy and now I have 2 different kinds of inhalers. The only thing that bothers me is the tight raspy feeling in the upper chest. Like heartburn."

M: "Oh, I know. Whenever I got a chest cold. I always got pneumonia. Then I would need to sleep on an incline because I felt like I couldn't breathe and that I was suffocating. Then I would panic and ..."

Me: "That would make it worse. .."

M: "and I would wake myself up because I would think I hear someone humming. Because the wheezing in the chest would make that humming noise. So then I couldn't sleep because I was panicked and thought someone else was in the room."

Me: "Perhaps next time that happens you could sleep upright in a chair...with a pitch fork in one hand to ward off potential attackers and a tin can alarm string rigged to the door for security alarm...."

M: "Very funny. Well, I have to get going I just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that I returned your call."

Me: "Yah, I know you get credit for the call. I marked it on the sheet. [to myself] thanks for sharing."

Now you must think, "Wow is she a bitch to her mom?" But the Connie chronicles are long and vast with huge amounts of self piety, martydom, and aniexty ridden projected fantasies. So I have 38 years worth of angst pent up......to unlease. It comes out in small, crooked, sacastic ways when she brings up absurd things like sleeping upright. She reminds me of a child with an overactive imagination.

I know I am not alone with my "MOTHER issues". It reminds me of one of my favorite movie lines from Albert Brooks in MOTHER with Debbie Reynolds. They are talking on the phone and in the middle of a conversation in a light, airy tone Debbie Reynolds says, "Last time I saw you dear, I just thought you could look. . . better." AB says, "Thanks Mom. I am going to go now." DB says, "I love you dear."AB says in that same light airy tone, "Well, I know you think you do. Okay, bye-bye."

....now we know why Norman Bates went crazy!